HG WELLS the time Machine 

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

  • What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

    • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.

TIME DOES NOT HEAL

There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:

From a tv show but on this day it fits

Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.

tumblr_ hurt less

The Roads we travel. . .

the-roads-we-walk

My brother never changes.   His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not.  He does not talk after a death he carries on.  He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly.  After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep.  To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform.  He in a senses is my Mycroft.  The older Brother that has all the answers.  The one that guides.  I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else.  A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone.  It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more.  He is him, I am me.  Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.

Its ok we are different in many ways we are the same in many also.  We are always there when the other needs something.  He hugged me once in this life was the Strange but familiar feeling.  He is one thing to the world another in privet.  But I know that he just wants one thing.  Peace. He fights for peace.  With family and with in himself.  I know only the fight and he tries to temper my rage for even when I fall apart I do it with a violence of pend up emotion.  He just got home and I asked my 2 questions I get before he closes down.  Then its shower and the darkness of sleep.  We all have demons he keeps his beneath him as a learned man will.  I dance with my demons and fight with them.  Love two women.  Both hold my heart. One is the one I want and need, while one is the one I protect and save.  Both love me. One understands.  One never will.  I can’t live my life like my brother does.
I can pick things that work for me but I cant live someone else’s life.  Life is out there. I have hid long enough.  I know that both women love me. They always will one for who I am, one for what I do.  Its taken me life times to understand this and now I’m at peace. I  can go home to the woman I miss greatly.
My brother will be home soon also and he will camp on the front lawn and annoy my Wife.  She knows he is my Brother and like all families there are many colors to it.  from Red to gray/blue to mercury to black even greens.  We all are parts to the whole.  Family is not always who your born or hatched with.  It’s people that will always be there. what is a family? It is not always sharing blood.
Its sometimes. Just being there when there is a need or a call.  No matter how many times you burn down a tavern or forget to pay back the gold.  Use his shield to cook with. Its knowing that the other person will not ignore your call for help even if you don’t know your making the call.

When You Snap……

That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.

Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.

I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.

That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.

I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.

Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined

  • :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
  • :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
  • :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
  • :to practice fraud or trickery
  • :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
  • :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife

Emotional Cheating is Different:

  • What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.

The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.

I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……

The bill came due…

 

the-roads-we-walk

Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776.  Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician.   Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice.  It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up….  Will this push equal rights back words? Yes.  Will Racism rise up? yes…..  The issues is change was needed limping on  the way it was just did not work.   As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears.  The ruling class take notices.  The underclass will not be swept away.  It will not go quietly in to the good night.  Welcome to the brave new world.  A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice.  CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed.  dow futures down 600 points.   And 4 years to see what will happen.  Good night and good luck.  Good night chesty where ever you are….

 

THE DREAM REMAINS THE SAME……

So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.

dance-with-the-devil-moon

Many times and she is Stunning

TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

THE WINDOWS TO THE SOUL…

Her eyes are haunted they do not sparkle.  Life has been ruff for her.  she says ” I’m happier than I have ever been.”  The eyes are the windows to the soul.  that’s why poker players wear sunglasses.
Why should I care? Why should I wonder about it? I have seen the eyes sparkle.  Why should it bother me?  I guess you have never given a homeless person a meal.  helped an older person with getting any thing from a high shelf.  helped a child find mom or a policeman.
We are human and we are suppose to look out for each other.  She looks out for me as best she can.  Her heart is with an other.  She tries.  People are people.  IF you loved them and it was real. Then there will always be feelings there. UNLESS the end was horrid and was all your fault, then you wont have those feelings.
Some are in relationships that it is of convenience and little else.   Some are perfect Illusions to point to a pop hit.  Some are so intense they leave scars.  Will I ever find someone?  The world thinks I will.  I’m not looking, I have friends but like the captain of the Dutchman.  Its in a box on a shelf being watched over.  I can have it any time I want it.  I don’t want it at this point in my life.  I want to play poker and see things.
I know the person watching it has forgotten they have it.  Its covered in webs and dust.  Which is fine.  When its discovered years from now.  It will have the scars of a life partly lived.  The note in side will say “the plan did not work. It was flawed but its all we had so we ran with it.”  Some loves last eons.  Some they write stories over, some are horror movies.
When I go home and I awaken an I look around from this dream.  I will see new scars and a face looking back at me.  She will say welcome home.  The heart will start to beat again.  Atrophied muscles starting to work and pump blood again.  She will look at me and place a hand on my chest.  With a sad look she will know it was a bad dream with a love that did not last.  She will kiss my cheek and say there is work to do.  She will smile and say and “I have needs also.”
That awakening is years away.  There are tables to play.  hands to win.  A friend I miss with sad haunted eyes.  they will say I’m wrong and I’m seeing zebras in a horse stable.  But I know her eyes I saw love, hate, and sadness in them all caused by me. I lived in those eyes.  Now I live on a couch and play cards.
As I finish this post up.  a song makes me smile.  On one hand I hear Archer saying “DANGER ZONE. Lana”.  On the other I feel the feeling when I have ace high and I push with two kings showing and win.
Yes all this from seeing a friends sad eyes…

” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.
I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.
 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.
I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.
I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.
Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.
When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.
People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.
I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?
People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,
i cant be me.
I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.
Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.
The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.
I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.
At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.
I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.
I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 
49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

WORTHY

thors hammer
wor·thy
ˈwərT͟Hē/
adjective
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
I have heard this many time over the past few months.  You need to feel worthy…  They need to be worthy for a 2nd chance…  You need to know you’re worthy.   The definition of the word is above.  As many know my former is now a friends  and there are many adjustments that need to happen.  I hate change, shocking I know.  It is what it is.  We are special to each other we saved each other.  Then we hurt each other.  We forgot each other.  The word complacent could be used.  From both sides the lines have been drawn but except for her and I no one will ever truly understand what happened.  I love her she loves me.  That love has changed and evolved into something new and over time it will again.  It’s  how it works.  She is getting marred part of me is happy that I saved her so she can find happiness.  There is a part of me that says it should be me.  There is also a part of me that says it was not the right time.  As I sit here at type this out I know I will never fully figure out at which point it went from the love of the ages to you get the dogs.  I want my clothes,  we can talk once a month.  She was worthy of my love and understand.  I was worthy of heart.  Worthy and love both evolve and sometimes they fade and vanish altogether.  I’m no longer worthy of her heart.  She says she trust me with her life just not her heart.  She is worthy of being happy and having a place in my heart.  I will never feel worthy in my eyes, that is for others to deem unto me.  Not something I can grant my self.  I may think I’m worthy of a job but its the person that will hire me to think it not me.  Its my former to say if I’m worthy of a 2nd chance.  Yes, yes I know and on the flip side I have to deem she is also worthy.  That’s kinda my point its not something you can feel its something someone feels about you.  At the end of the day you can feel worthy of anything, the issues is are you in their eyes.  What does it take to be worthy to them?  Is it a car, a new job, or is it a different disposition.  We worked hard to air out the issues and in the end I think it helped.  Ok it helped me.  As for her I think it did,  she has a different view of a few things.  She felt I was worthy to save her.  And I was.  She was worthy to save me in my eyes.  Does not mean I feel worthy.