The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi
It’s time to find my armor again.  I lost my old armor.  It no longer fit.  It was full of holes, tattered, and mismatched.  I was coming out of a unhealthy marriage of 17 years.  I was running with a bad crowd and living on pain meds.  I had to make a choice to take a chance and live or stay and see how dark it would get.
A friend found me and had me live in their attic.  I found someone and fell in love and moved in.  The cost was my armor.  The armor covers open wounds.  Cuts that would not heal, that oozed icker that had a truly foul smell.  Scars and marks from where I had out grown the armor.
It’s now time to find my new armor.  To enter the war that is life you need an armor.  Some can get through it with a jerkin and a light vest.  Some need gothic plate armor that is more a show of opulence and protection.  Protects them from life.  So these people feel nothing and say it’s a deities will, or fate.
Karma is a fickle Mistress she does not forgive or forget.  I have paid for my crimes against Her.  Others are having her move in and settle down for a while.
None of this is for me to bare and or take upon my self.  I need some type of armor.  My choice of armor is leather and chain.  This is lightweight but still offers protection.  We all need protection from the acid, slings, arrows and blows that life will deliver.
A fool thinks they need no armor.  We all need some type of protection.  There is one that will forever be able to fine the weak spots in the armor.  I know theirs.  I can not be slowed by the passing glances that life throws my way.  The forget to reply.  The missed phone calls.  Life is not for the weak and no one gets out alive.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  It all boils down to the same thing.  To live is to fight.  To fight does not always mean to hit someone.  It means get up in the morning 15 minutes early if you have to, To finish up making lunch.  To finish that load of dishes.  When you cant fight, your armor will protect you for the time you need.
Life is a contact sport.  I tried to hide in a hole.  It still found me.  If you decide not to partake, you still are. You just let it making the choices not you.  So yes it’s time for me to once more go into the breach.  Yes life will kill me it does it to every one but its better to go down swinging than to die scared under the bed.
The road we walk has Demon’s under them. Mine have waited along time for me to come out and walk the road.  Who am I to deny them. Or myself of the fight.  So yes its time for me to find new armor.  Not to live on Caffeine, Animosity, and Anger. But to use what I have learned and start again.  Its not the destination its the journey.  The sights along the way. This is what you regale your friends with at home or the bar.  Life is meant to be experienced not hidden from. 

” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.
I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.
 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.
I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.
I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.
Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.
When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.
People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.
I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?
People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,
i cant be me.
I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.
Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.
The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.
I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.
At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.
I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.
I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 
49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

WHY

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

  • Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.

A year and a Day

be_careful_what_you-76866

 

In a year your life can be blow up rebuild and crushed again. People will say yes when they have given up. People won’t tell you there ill’s because they don’t want to add to your issues and some will welling mean Still forget you and not help when what you really need is there help. In getting over issues. It’s gray raining and my migraine is a 12. I’m pining for  the past. I have a budding poker carrier knocking at my door and I won’t answer the door. Sometimes you hope for that friend help but they will just stand and watch. Learning to fly with a broken wing and the fear I should be careful of what I wish for I just may get it….

VENTING

I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives .  But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups.  So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. .  It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. .  your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine.  Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide  from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.

And from the Darkest places Kindness is found

Raina 4A DARK NIGHT MARESept1,2014 till Nov 3rd 2015

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Opening to the Radio show “the shadow”

I hate people not a person but people.  What is the different you ask.  Well people are heard animals, reactionary, with a mob mentality, a group think if you will.  A person has independent thought, Ideals, can feel and even has compassion.   The pictures above are of two woman I know. there is one is of me.  The women are all dark, gothic and breathtakingly beautiful.  Each have shown me kindness one I will never meet in person ( well one says never say never) one I dated.  They all have smiled at a stranger and lifted his hopes.  One was gliding down an escalator at Macy’s when My heart stopped.  As stated many time I’m a large ball of arrogant, harsh asshole, with a thin candy coating of charming. The last picture is of me from Sept. 1st 2014 till now Nov. 3rd 2015   I have lost 18 inches and 78 pounds. .   I would grow it all back if I could go back in time for 24 hours and tell MYSELF what the future holds for him.  That would be me being kind to my self.  I still call my self a Fat man,  I tell my self I’m stupid for what I have done. I’m a loser for losing Raina the best thing I ever had.  Hell I could bring my self up on charges for slander. If I was Married to my self I could get a divorce for verbal abuse.  The woman in the pictures have shown more kindness than I have shown my self. For full disclosure one will from time to time say ” that’s great But you still…. ” it’s a left-handed compliment that she is working on stopping.   Kali Noir Diamond a gothic model that have every right to just say “thank you” and never give it a second thought.  What she did, chatted, smiled and gave a kind word to a strange. The Beautiful woman at Macy’s did not have to have lunch with me but she did.  She did not have to invite me to make a life with her but she did.  All acts of kindness to a person that self-abuse.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Dragon knows!”,

I’m trying hard to stop but I fail. .  a lot . .  I keep trying. . I have started telling friends to stop with the negative help also. .  when I want to think about what if I had done this different….. LET ME for a  min it lessens the pain.. Don’t keep hammering home will did you ever think your meant to be here now so you can grow. .  Yes I think of that often.  So from the Darkest places of the Goth world Three Gothic woman bent over to make an wounded Dragon smile and stand back up.

In plain site for no one see’s the shadows

Waiting

Dragon where have been all my life?

The Dragon’s reply…In plain site for no one see’s the shadows…..

A Dragon of the shadows sits on a wall staring at the full moon. Mumbles “I wonder if she sees the same moon as I do from her distant land???” He still mourns the death a tiny cry echo’s against the stone of the castle walls.  A scream is heard from time to time.  A petulant rant form a scared little boy.   Raymond screams “The dreams scare me the ghost keep me awake.” Raymond’s rant is never-ending ” The Dragon GOD that thinks of no one but him self…”. The child’s words cut at him cut deeper than any sword ever could.  The touch that would quell the child is no longer here.  As the Dagon is lost with voices and echo’s he does not here the approach of second Dragon A indigo blue mountain dragon.   The mountain Dragon Speaks ” So will this be a long painful morning, you could just kill your self or better yet you could take what you learned and Live. You need to make a choice because you can’t do all three”  and silently wings away.   The Shadow Dragon whispers ” I truly hate you”.  The mountain Dragon circles and roars back ” I know’  that’s why we are always there for each other.   The Shadow Dragon taps a Claw thinking.  Looks at the moon again. A tear rolls down his cheek.  And off in the distance is a dark light messages are dropped and sent back.  maybe its time to see what’s out there.  A Shade of beauty and change.   They say they like the Dragon. Want to message the Dragon and maybe talk to the Dragon. .  and the winters chill seems to break a little.  A slight smile can be seen on the Dragon face.  Till the screams and voices and echo’s return but they seem not as loud………………..

A DARK NIGHT MARE

The Cure

The cure

I miss my friend.  Four small words. what do they  mean? What pain does it hide? How deep are the scars?  Why are they gone?  All really good question.  At the end of the day they all matter very little.  You miss them.  over done next.  STOP  just stop.  Don’t gloss over it.  It will fester and grow.  One day you will sit alone and scream I MISS TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How would I know?  I just did it, I just screamed I want to call her, text her.   I told her I can’t talk to her for a while..  So its my cure I guess. The cure is worse than the disease.  When did wanting someone in your life a disease.  Well any one? any one at all?

….. When the sound of their voice makes you angry.  When you ask and they give their word and they “forget”.  When you forget there is a world around you.  Bruce Lee  quote

“Its like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

That is what I was doing. Pavlov’s Dog.  A beep, ding or “rock show” goes off you have to stop what you’re doing and read.   I would stop eating, studying, or wake up at 3am to look and see what I missed.   So now its Monday 2 days from when I said  could not talk to her.  I have learned a few things.  One I like her in my life.  I like talking to her.  I like the way her voice can calm me when I’m ready to hurt things my self my growth.  I like the child like view she has of the world the wonder in her eyes.  That’s why I was with her.  She was my world and I forgot that.  There is a poker saying “Stupidity is Expensive”. Cost me my world the love of a great woman my home and my dogs.  Second poker saying “Learn form some one else mistakes it will save your bank roll”.  They can be looked at the same way but they should not.  both are learning.  One is watching one is doing.  My brother form a distant mother learned from my mistakes  he is further along mending fences than I am.  Good for him Mother will be proud of him. As for my self.  Oct  29th I will send an email early in the Week and ask for a chat at lunch.  Its one of our Holy times of year.  In some ways it’s the end of one year with the day of the dead to follow.  So it will be a good start.  We will see how it goes.  All forms of a cure for a disease.

OK

Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

two roads meet…….. and i….

2 roads

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away.  Standing at the intersection of life with two options.  Yes, yes I know he had 4 miss the point much its a medifor please keep up.   I know I’m (inhales deep) cold, distant, angry, mean, harsh, self-absorbed and not easy to get to know.  Few I have let in and some I let in to push away and to cast out because I love them.  I have one friend who packs a lunch and bivouacs down with me.  He wont leave till I can be self sufficient.  It’s not always easy for him but he is there.  I’m alone and the voices are strong, of self-doubt, self loathing self hate.  Hey look I told you I’m self-absorbed.  I had true love and pushed it away.  So I start again and again and yes yet again.  Friends pick me up dust me off and send me out.  He looks down says ok get up.  I set up small goals.  I get out of bed to see if 2 people have sent a good morning.  Now I’m up can’t go back to bed.  Then its caffeine.  Ok mind is working.  Food most mornings.  Then 20 mins. of sun and a pipe,  mediation music plays to calm the mind.  Ok its noon day is fully underway.  time for study and weight training.  Then shower shave maybe dye my beard.   3 pm time to prep dinner.  6pm eat and then reflection.  All along messages from people to see how I’m.  Yes in some cases to see if I’m alive.  My day.   Weekends I’m alone every one has a date but me alone in the dark.  Cue the voices and the cave looms.  Some people here like my writing they say I have a talent.  I guess I do.  I always hated writing in school but here I am quill to paper, ok type to lap top.  I have stories I want to get out I have ideas that need to see the light of day.    eloquentparadise and kandicelisa like my work and kandicelisa has said she would help with ideas.   I guess I do have a talent I need direction.  I’m happy that my best friend is safe with her new love, away from the encroaching darkness I need to defeat if I’m to be me.  So here we are why did I pen this.  This piece of thoughts and medifors.  Because that’s why.  For now that is my answer in time I will see why this needed to come out for now.  It will set along with 55 other pieces of writing for you to read and leave comments.  I lost 75 lbs the love of my life all in a year.  She said it was time to set me free after I set her free from a hell.  I’m proud I could do that.  I thank her for making me SEE what I had become and what I need to do to heal.  There it is 500+ words of fragmented thoughts.  But they needed to be let out like a Pandora’s box.  All the evil is out but sitting with me is hope.  hope a small word but huge potential……….