Lets make it Buddy check any day

Buddy check

October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.

I LONG FOR A PLACE AND A WOMAN I HAVE NOT SEEN………

Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.

Breaking even the Scripts

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no

So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….

******

Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.

When You Snap……

That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.

Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.

I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.

That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.

I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.

Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined

  • :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
  • :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
  • :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
  • :to practice fraud or trickery
  • :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
  • :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife

Emotional Cheating is Different:

  • What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.

The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.

I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……

The bill came due…

 

the-roads-we-walk

Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776.  Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician.   Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice.  It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up….  Will this push equal rights back words? Yes.  Will Racism rise up? yes…..  The issues is change was needed limping on  the way it was just did not work.   As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears.  The ruling class take notices.  The underclass will not be swept away.  It will not go quietly in to the good night.  Welcome to the brave new world.  A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice.  CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed.  dow futures down 600 points.   And 4 years to see what will happen.  Good night and good luck.  Good night chesty where ever you are….

 

The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi
It’s time to find my armor again.  I lost my old armor.  It no longer fit.  It was full of holes, tattered, and mismatched.  I was coming out of a unhealthy marriage of 17 years.  I was running with a bad crowd and living on pain meds.  I had to make a choice to take a chance and live or stay and see how dark it would get.
A friend found me and had me live in their attic.  I found someone and fell in love and moved in.  The cost was my armor.  The armor covers open wounds.  Cuts that would not heal, that oozed icker that had a truly foul smell.  Scars and marks from where I had out grown the armor.
It’s now time to find my new armor.  To enter the war that is life you need an armor.  Some can get through it with a jerkin and a light vest.  Some need gothic plate armor that is more a show of opulence and protection.  Protects them from life.  So these people feel nothing and say it’s a deities will, or fate.
Karma is a fickle Mistress she does not forgive or forget.  I have paid for my crimes against Her.  Others are having her move in and settle down for a while.
None of this is for me to bare and or take upon my self.  I need some type of armor.  My choice of armor is leather and chain.  This is lightweight but still offers protection.  We all need protection from the acid, slings, arrows and blows that life will deliver.
A fool thinks they need no armor.  We all need some type of protection.  There is one that will forever be able to fine the weak spots in the armor.  I know theirs.  I can not be slowed by the passing glances that life throws my way.  The forget to reply.  The missed phone calls.  Life is not for the weak and no one gets out alive.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  It all boils down to the same thing.  To live is to fight.  To fight does not always mean to hit someone.  It means get up in the morning 15 minutes early if you have to, To finish up making lunch.  To finish that load of dishes.  When you cant fight, your armor will protect you for the time you need.
Life is a contact sport.  I tried to hide in a hole.  It still found me.  If you decide not to partake, you still are. You just let it making the choices not you.  So yes it’s time for me to once more go into the breach.  Yes life will kill me it does it to every one but its better to go down swinging than to die scared under the bed.
The road we walk has Demon’s under them. Mine have waited along time for me to come out and walk the road.  Who am I to deny them. Or myself of the fight.  So yes its time for me to find new armor.  Not to live on Caffeine, Animosity, and Anger. But to use what I have learned and start again.  Its not the destination its the journey.  The sights along the way. This is what you regale your friends with at home or the bar.  Life is meant to be experienced not hidden from. 

TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.
I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.
 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.
I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.
I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.
Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.
When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.
People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.
I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?
People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,
i cant be me.
I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.
Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.
The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.
I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.
At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.
I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.
I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 
49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

WHY

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

  • Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.

Fiction : What issues may come.

Chapter 3:What issues may come.

 

A city has a subtle din as  it comes to life.  Carts rattle down the street. Criers start telling the days events.  Draius falls in the wrong window after a night of city viewing.
A scream is heard from down the hall.   An older woman screams yelling get out why are you in my room again. Guards, guards  where are you, get this man out of my room.  A voice can be heard over the womans.  It’s a voice well known to Airister, its Rodman trying to calm the woman down.  Ma’am , Ma’am… MADAM please hush for a moment.  My ward here drinks far to much and often finds his way in to the wrong room.  Draius doing his best to act the drunk. Issue was he was not acting he was so drunk he could not stand, He lay in the room mumble something about fires and large women.
Kas hops out of bed and grabs her robe, knowing full well her father would be there soon.  Airister laid in bed not moving.  Kas, If your father tosses him in jail at least we would know where to find him till he sobers up.  The Gray could be heard also trying to calm the woman.  Dem yelling about how could he do something like this.
Kas looks at her bed mate, Get up and go save your lost dog.  Why do I have to do it, the others are doing a great job at it.
Out side Airister hears Kas’s father approach. It just got real.  He was in no mood.  Something about a break in at the tower, some missing maps and why was the duchess’s carriage out at this hour.
Gabbing 5 pills and the mug of mead from the child he started his day.  Funny no hangover, he slept, Was in a good mood and was humming.
Oh Master Stuberman, You look put out. Kas hung her head it was going to be a ruff day.  She tried to get back to the room before her father, to late.  KASIDAY what in the nine hells are you doing here at this hour.
Airister finishes his mead, and with the might of a frost giant smashes it against the far wall. The smashes echoes in the empty grand hall.  A quiet is heard. Morning Gray, Dem, Paladin(looking down at Draius) and just shrugs. Ok how much,  How much to make every one to shut up.  Madam, I’m sorry. You see the young lad, Is confused you remind him of his lost mother.  That’s why he has wondered it to your room.  Gray would you help the lad into the Water closet and gently help him to recover. The Gray smiles, I would love to, let  me help the poor lad.  Dem will you grab his bag and we will take him to the Water tub.  Dem not at all amused, Moving close to his ear she mumbles, This better be good.  Draius waves his hand unseen by all but the 4 others.
Paladin, Can you take the guards down to the 5th room on this floor. There is a guard posted there.  You will find I’m guessing the Duchess in there.   With a nod he takes the City guard to the room.  The Paladin moving the sleeping guard out of the way, gently tossing him to the floor and stepping on him.
Now Madam allow me to pay for your morning meal, for the lads transgressions.  The older woman with a tear in her eye looks up.  No no.  Its alright, I lost my son in the last war.  Its quite all right.  please see that the boy stops back to my room later.
Saberman is fuming at this point.  he Steps close to Airister,  Kas fearing that Airister looking for a fight dresses fast.
Airister leaning close to Saberman.  Whispers in his ear your daughter is a very interesting young lady.  Now I don’t think the master of the City watch would like the family secret out in the open.  The color washes from Saberman’s face, YOU WOULD NOT DARE.   He says through tight jaw in  hush tones.
Saberman, all is quiet, every person is accounted for.  Your daughter is safer with me than under your watch. I proved this 6 years ago.  Go and protect the peace I will protect your prized treasure.
With a Sigh of resignation he nods.  Kas, walking up to the two man.  My dearest daughter I will send over some clothes for you.  With a kiss on her cheek he starts off.
Airister catches the man on the shoulder, and turns him around.  His hand extended. Saberman looking at the hand, shakes it. With a nod of his head, takes off to his day ahead.
Screams can be heard, coming from a male voice.  Gray Mumble mumble gasp stop, Mumble mumble , I’m mumble mumble  not  Mumble mumble Drunk any more.  laughing Jamend seams not to care and continues dunking his head in and out of a bucket of water.
Dem looking through the sack Draius has come back with.  She seams shocked at what she is reading.  Seams the King of Kitrn’a was not really in need of help. He was in need of  fighters.  His City was soon to be under siege and wanted fighters there to help.
The Gray and Draius looking on as she reads. water dripping from the thief’s hair. Jamend’s hand still on his neck.  The Paladin enters with a story of his own.  The Duchess was looking for an escort back to Kitrn’a.  Three sets of eyes look at Draius, What was the Duchess doing in your room.  Well you see, Draius proceeds to regale the three of them about last nights events. How Airister’s hiring the Duchess as a bed mate for him.  Three loud sighs could be heard.
The Gray says ok, lets all dress for morning meal.  I will go tell Airister what has happened and meet you at morning meal.
A knock at the door, The child opens the door looking up sees the Gray Ranger.  Ruffing the boys hair, Gray asks, horses done? Yes M’lord.  Did you Shine and check the Armor.  No Sir.  And why not young man.  Well Sir you and Dem where sleeping.  The man of god was mad I was there as he was doing words with the statue.  And well I was told not to enter Airisters room, EVER.  With a nod The Gray under stood.  Drops a silver piece in the child’s hand.  Can you do me a favor for a 2nd silver piece.  yes Sir.  Good boy,  go see if any other sell swords are in the town.  OH that’s easy sir.  there are about 50 or so.  The little boy holding out his hand.
A laugh can be heard, it was a laugh the Gray had not heard in many a year.  Pushing his way in, he looks at the Hunter.  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM KASIDAY! In a booming voice.
Easy Gray I’m well, the child is a fast learner.  A look crosses the Grays face.  Shadowhawk? (Its what the Gray called Airister in privet moments.) You are in a good mood. Yes, Yes I seam to be.
At that moment the image crystal glows, a Good Morning Dragon Is heard, the mirth leaves Airister.  The mood thickens, a rage starts to grow in the assassin.  The Gray hands the child  5 gold coins. Go child, pay for the seven meals. also change your clothes, you will eat with us.  With fear in his eyes as he see’s the change take over Airister. He leaves the room.
Why do you keep that thing if it angers you so much.  The Gray reaches for the crystal, a short sword appears between him and the crystal.  leave it Gray, lets not start the day with a fight please. The Gray nods and backs away.  In truth the two had never come to blows before.  The Gray knowing Airister’s killing skills and Airister never wanting to test his brothers metal to see the answer.
Kas, Tell the child to come back in the room.  She heads for the door.  He is long gone, says The Gray .   Kas opens the door, Draius and the child fall into the room.  A look of annoyance and amusement crosses the Grays face.  How did you know, Shadow.  It was easy, The child is a street urchin, Draius is a thief he forgot how to knock years ago.
Child what is your name?  The boy looks down and sways.  Child I asked you a question, tapping her foot.  Airister touches Kasidays arm.  The boy has no name, do you child.  Wards of the church don’t get names.  There just mouths to feed, free labor or worse. this was the way of the world they lived in.  Airister  looks down and thinks. What should we call him.  Draius starts to speak, he is quickly talked over. Do shut up, You have nothing to add, so just don’t speak. The Gray had little use for the sound of Draius’s voice.
Kasiday says Ray.  That is his name. Ray, For he is a Ray of hope.  The Gray was slightly put out, that she had named the child. Its Fine Gray.  All will be explained at meal, Shadow says with an even tone.  The Gray nods and lets it go.
Ray go to the Desk, Have the small dining room set for us please. Gray give him 10 more gold.  WHY? its your request.  I took care of the mess this morning. You pay for the meal. The Gray nods seeing the point and hands twelve more to the child.  Ray leaves the room.  Airister looks over to the Gray.  Jamend? Yes Shadow.  I know you can count, you gave him twelve.  Did I? oh I must be tired.  That was a lie. He never miss counted and was far to giving to the needy.
In the small dining room the table was set.  Dishes, cloth rags for the hands.  Airister tells the serving wench the cheap eating wear. knowing well Draius was eating with them.  Wench if you have wood eating tools that would be great was heard from a voice.
Rays eyes went wide with the food left on the table.  Chicken, duck, and turkey eggs cooked in many ways.  A hunk of meat and watered wine and mead.  A hot drink made with beans from the hill side of the forest Elves.  Ray Trying to hide a hunk of bread in his shirt.
Airister thunks him on the head with a eating tool.  Ray you need not steal food or hide it.  The boy looks sad and places it back on his plate.  Dem looks at the child. Ray do you have a pouch to carry items.  No Miss, was all Ray could say.  Well he needs one she says.  M’Lady Kasiday? Yes Man of God what is it.  Would you take me to the Finest Armor here in the city I need his work.  A look of fear crosses her face.
Airister,  looks over the table and nods to the Gray.  The Gray nods in understanding.  The Gray points to the door, with out a word Draius is at the main entrance.  Ray?  Yes Sir Gray.  Hanging his head with a sigh. Ray you can call me, Jamend , Ranger, Gray, NOT Sir or M’Lord under stand? yes Sir he answers.  A giggle can be heard. A thump on his head again. yes Si… Yes I under stand, the boy whispers.  See the Serving door. yes he says. Good lad.  lay on the floor and watch for people walking in on us ok. Yes Si…… I under stand.
Kas, could you give us some quiet please. She Looks at Airister, Confused.  Please my dear just do it.  With a sigh she stands and finds the middle of the room.  Lifts her hands, chants some words, her hands flash, with a clap of her hands.  A tomb again.  They all look up at Kasiday.  Shadow, stands.  My new traveling partner has a few tricks. Six eyes widen, never before had Airister ever done this before.
Paladin, Kasiday is a Demon.  Looking over at her lover.  Really like that is how you tell every one.  You will pay tonight in the room.  Witch hush please.  She shoots Shadow a glare.  The Paladin laughs out loud.  My Dark brother you may want to sleep in a different room.  Paladin, when I need advice of the heart I will ask Dem.  I need to drink I will look up Draius. I need to be healed I will see you, my Brother of Light, till then Shut up.  Kas, was still uneasy with the group knowing her secret.
Dem looks over. Kas.  Yes M’Lady Demaras. is heard with a squeaky voice.  Kas, I’m Of Elvin and Dragon kin. I keep the Elvin form because its how I am at ease.
Dem looks over to the Gray.  Kasiday? Yes Ranger of the Gray Mountains. all look at her. No one ever used the Gray’s full name.  Steal could be heard being drawn.  Worst of all It was her lovers blade in her ribs that bugged her the most.  How do you know his title Kas, Airister was starting to grow and change as the anger grew.  Looking down.  I knew you all where coming.  I have been watching you for years Shadow.  He reached for the chain on his neck. Her hand touches his.  I have always watched over you. The voice you hear when people are sneaking up on you is mine. Standing 8 feet tall and a tail  6 feet long stands the form of a Dragon kin. Airister had changed with out thinking from the anger he was feeling.  From the other Side of the room Jamen also has changed. Standing as tall as his brother in a blue that was so deep, little except for gems of rare value could match his color.
At the door a large Lycan, with a silver coat.  Canine teeth four inches long, claws, razor sharp, eyes like coal.
The Paladin stands, holding his robe in front of him.  Grows to so tall he has to stoop in the room.  Covering his male parts says I’m part Giant and berserker. I was raised by the church I know no parents, I have no family but them in this room.
Kasiday dropping her dress. changes. The silver strip in her hair the wings and the Black skin and fangs, talons, and a tail. With fear in her eyes she looks over to Shadow who still had his knife in her ribs. My lover, would you mind greatly removing your knife please.
The Paladin speaks, for it was always a vote if some one stayed or not.  Lady of the lower plains.  I will fight beside you for only one reason.  You take the dreams, the pain and the anger from my Brother.  I pledge to protect you as he would.  a nod comes from the others at the table. A whimper is heard from the corner of the room.  all eyes turn to see Ray in fear of the Monsters about the room.
Draius walks over, sniffs the child, returns to the door and Changes back. It was always pain full and with a hangover it was worse.  Reaching in to Airister’s pouch takes out some pill’s.  A snarl is heard from both sides. teeth shown, then both stop.  Draius looks up, Shadow nods.  Draius takes four, places the bottle back in the pouch.
Kas looks over at the two not understanding. the Gray speaks.  There father and son in a manor.  Airister’s First wife was a  lycan. She nods.  The Gray continues, Draius is the best at tracking, finding hidden things, and locating information.
Demaras, walks over to the child. Kisses his head don’t be afraid little one.  There is not a being in this room that will hurt you. The Assassin coughs.   The boy is scared his body seams to sparkle.  Little horns appear.  he try’s to hide them.  Airister laughs, deep and with out fear. the child is of Satyr kin. What a group are we.  Smiles crosses all there faces.
Man of god? Yes M’lady Of dark,  how can I help you.  I will take you to the Elvin-Dwarf later.  As in one voice they all say, what.  The Smithy is of Elvin and Dwarven dissent.  None in all the realm make weapons of his quality. Airister Looks over to the normal sized Paladin, maybe he can make you an armor that will change as you do.  Do you know the Cost of that, Dark Hunter.  With a Sigh, yes I do.   We will figure it out later.   Now tell me all the Dog has found out last night.  They all eat as if they had not just eaten moments before.  Changing had a way of working up a hunger.
Kas? yes Dragon.  We need to talk in the room. a slight pain in her heart.  He was not happy and the chat would not be a joyous one
With the Meal done, even Ray was full. The Gray speaks.  Ok  we need to get supplies.   Maybe we can also get some information about this new employer.  Shadow looks over at Draious.  The old woman would like you to stop in.  He hangs his head, I said I was sorry.  No, No. I said that she reminds you of your mother, that has passed on, She started to cry because you remind her of the son she lost in the war.  Draius nods and understands, he would go make the older woman smile and maybe even return some of the items he stole.
Gray, what’s the plan.   Airisters looking around as if trying to find something.  ShadowHawk, what are you looking for? The Gray asks worried that the spell of silence is breaking.  I need some air is all, Sorry please go on.  Jamend continues,  We will need four more days. two for information, One to supply.  Ok that’s three, what are we doing with the forth.  Today we Rest.  All eyes look at The Gray.  Look, Airister has laughed for the first time in a year, he slept last night, I think we all could use a day or so to remember how to enjoy life.  Kas, slides her hand into Airister’s. She smiles up at him he does not return the smile and removes his hand.
Gray we done? Yes you nasty bastard, why.  Grabbing a bottle of mead he storms out.  Kas hangs her head.  Kas? Yes Draius.  My Father is a nasty man, but he is fair. Talk to him, his last wife did not.  He is hurting and well he does have a kind side we all know it. Don’t give up hope.  She gets up to leave. She is stopped at the door. Kas? She turns around with a slight anger.  What, she snarls.
Why did you give him the scring charm.  Lowering her head, she inhales. I fell in love with him. I wanted to be with him. He would not have it, with me being only 18 winter’s.   So I gave him the charm, so I could feel like I was. I never looked in when he was at his home.  Never looked in on them and their home life. I just wanted to be with the man that saved me.  Is that so wrong.
The Paladin moves close to Kas and hugs her.  It was wrong yes but it was done with no malice and no ill intent.  It was a woman infatuated with her hero.  I will meet you after Mid-day meal and we will shop.  I’m going to pray and Sleep.  With shock they all look at the Man of God.  What? you said a day off and there is a soft bed.  I may be a man of god, but a soft bed and a free day I will enjoy both.
The Gray smiles. Yes time off is what is needed.  Dem looks over at Ray.  Ray come here please.  The child sadly looks at the floor.  Good you have hidden your horns, come we are shopping. She waves to the Gray I will be back.  There is a little boy in need of a horse, saddle and travel gear.  The little boy looks up.
You all are keeping me. Dem stops, with hands on hips speaks in a tone that of a Mother/sister/teacher all in one.  Ray you are not property,  you will travel with us yes, but only if you want to.  Now would you like to travel with us?  But be warned there are dangers and hardships.  We face death all the time and there will be swearing, drinking and brotherly fights.  Now again, would you like to travel with us?  The boy looking up nods, Yes Lady Dem I would like that.  A spark is seen as he claps his hands together.  The child has magic about him, he has quick hands, Maybe he could be of use thinks The Gray.

VENTING

I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives .  But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups.  So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. .  It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. .  your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine.  Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide  from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.