It hurts today

Hurt

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…

HG WELLS the time Machine 

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

  • What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

    • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.

TIME DOES NOT HEAL

There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:

From a tv show but on this day it fits

Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.

tumblr_ hurt less

Because That’s who I am

lost in this moment

My Brother and most of my friends are trying to get me to live in the moment.  I have never been able to do this.  Its great for the people that can, I envy them.  But I will always long for death.  To go home, I’m ok with that.  The world is not, but I’m not living for the world I’m being ME.  My heart belongs to one person.  A FRIEND is holding it in a box on a shelf for safe keeping.  I told her I wont want it back.  She said its here for when you do.  I love some one I wont see here.  I’m to blind with memories from her there.   So I will long to go home and see her there.  Now I will have many say that’s the wrong way to live.  WHO’S life is it.  I can’t live the way you do for one simple reason. I’M NOT YOU.  So yes I wear a hand grenade around my neck to pull the pin and see what’s next.  But does not mean I have to pull the pin. It means I have that option and that’s what life is about right options.  If you get board you find a new partner.  If you hate your job some one pushes you to get a new one.  So yes I want to die on a field of my choosing.  But one day death will give me a ride home. Then I will be over my wonder lust for home.  I write these for me and if you like them YeY.  IF you don’t or I have Offended you or insulted you.  That’s on you and what you did, not I.  So Gray, Red, Freya, Patti, Rebecca and Emma I thank you for getting me to this point and I will stumble a few times.  And you all will wonder what the fuck am I doing and sometimes I will wonder that my self.  But I will never get lost in this moment, oh but how I wish I could.  Its just not me.  I’m alive at the poker table, not sipping wine watching the world go pass.  I’m not a programmer, I’m a poker degenerate.  so as I look down the barrel of 50 years old half a century in this Mortal coil.  I’m starting to lose memories of why I hurt.  which is a good thing.  I know the damage I did. I know the damage they did. Neither can I fix.  Knowledge comes at a cost.  The scars you wear are the payment for what you learn.  and I have some great scars……

I LONG FOR A PLACE AND A WOMAN I HAVE NOT SEEN………

Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.

Breaking even the Scripts

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no

So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….

******

Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.

When You Snap……

That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.

Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.

I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.

That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.

I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.

Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined

  • :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
  • :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
  • :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
  • :to practice fraud or trickery
  • :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
  • :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife

Emotional Cheating is Different:

  • What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.

The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.

I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……

The bill came due…

 

the-roads-we-walk

Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776.  Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician.   Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice.  It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up….  Will this push equal rights back words? Yes.  Will Racism rise up? yes…..  The issues is change was needed limping on  the way it was just did not work.   As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears.  The ruling class take notices.  The underclass will not be swept away.  It will not go quietly in to the good night.  Welcome to the brave new world.  A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice.  CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed.  dow futures down 600 points.   And 4 years to see what will happen.  Good night and good luck.  Good night chesty where ever you are….

 

THE DREAM REMAINS THE SAME……

So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.

dance-with-the-devil-moon

Many times and she is Stunning

TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

LIFE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE….

no-one-gets-out

You can have the sound of a thousand voices calling your name.  You can have the light of the world blind you, bathe you in grace.  But I don’t see so easily what you hold in your hands.  Cause castles crumble, kingdoms fall and turn into sand.
You can be an angel of mercy or give into hate.  You can try to buy it just like it every other careless mistake.  How do you justify I’m mystified by the ways of your heart.  With a million lies the truth will rise to tear you apart.
No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.  The one thing you leave behind.  Is how did you love, how did you love?  It’s not what you believe; those prayers will make you bleed.  But while you’re on your knees.  How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?
Shinedown ” How do you love”
Life is not for the weak. No one gets out alive.  Very morbid and dark views.  As a friend tells me every day some truths are universal.  People do things with out thinking.  They do things that to them seams smart and a good choice.  If they step back and look at it from both sides its really kinda shitty.   Winter is setting in and I watch as some of my facebook friends lives are changing.  Some are getting a new home after working 20 hours a day.  The Pictures of Lexi on the top are of her changing her look because fuck it why not.
  • Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
Something happened to me earlier this week no I wont go into it but it was like really.  I have mental issues and something will cause my alter ego come out.  Its drastic changes and surprises.  Well a friend tossed a hand grenade at me I nicely sent it back.  Is what it is their life is going side ways.
So I spent a few days looking at it and what I cam up with is this.  People will act or react with out thinking.  we all do it.  I will make you pay for a long time for a non thinking comment.  A pound of flesh is it right? No. But ya I do it.  Broad brush  statement in 3. 2. 1.  Some women will say nothing is wrong for weeks till you drag it out of them.  Sorry I played that gave for 25 years with 2 different people, not doing it any more.  Tell me or let it go, you holding on to it and it festering only makes it worse.
Hurt feelings are an infection that will poison things.  Friendships, Lover, work, even family.   Talk about it or let it go.   DONT CALL AND SAY “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” If you think you see an anomaly.  ASK.  If your feelings are hurt say something.
Look people again, NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE.  Some think you get reincarnated. Some know they have lived other lives.  Science says that the universe expands and contracts and you do this over and over.
Life is lets say 80 years.  The first 40 we try so hard to get ahead.  Then the last 40 we have regrets of I should have.
I met some one coming off the escalators at Macy’s.  She changed my life for bad and for GOOD.  But I had to take the chance to meet her.  To take a ride to PA to meet dear friends.   Do I have regrets? HELL YES.  I lost 20 years in a bad marriage.  We both were not good for each other.  thank who ever are son was not fucked up for life.  Here is the rub.
IF you did not make the choices you made, you would not be here today with that special some one.   let that sink in.  All the fights, bad dates.  The shit jobs, bad days and yes wrong choices have lead you to this place.
The skein of your life may have been woven along time ago.  but the choices you make are all part of that tapestry.
The reds from the blood spilled.  The deep blues the sad times.  The greens from all your envious actions.  The black all your anger.  But the absences of color is black. All the colors make white.  So you need all the colors in your tapestry.  Die with few regrets.  you will have some.  The person you should have asked out.  The job you should have taken.  The right turn when you went left.
No one gets out alive.  So make your life.  I’m playing poker and I’m good at it.  Lexi is starting to model.  Others as I said have worked 20 hours to make a life for her kids.  Every day is do or die.  Even a day spent healing is a victory.
So what are you going to do.  Vikings want to die in battle.  Some want to die in their sleep.  Some want to live so safe that nothing happens.  Riddle me this and riddle me that…..  Is a life UN-lived a life well lived or missed?