OK

Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

Sometimes you watch it burn

“CASSIUS
For ever, and for ever, farewell, Brutus!
5.1.120 If we do meet again, we’ll smile indeed;
If not, ’tis true this parting was well made.

BRUTUS
Why, then, lead on. O, that a man might know
The end of this day’s business ere it come! ere before
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
5.1.125 And then the end is known. Come, ho! away! “

We stand on the edge of a super blood moon.  Now if you’re not pagan or a lunatic you care little for this heavenly happening.  My life as I have painted in these panels is a little influx at the moment.  I have no home of my own.  My dog lives with my best friend (former girl friend).  I have no job and at this point in my life $40 bucks to my name.  I talk to my best friend every day yesterday was a very good day.  I have come to accept   where we both are at this time in life.  She is with the man she loves.  I’m in country looking to rescue a prisoner that is me.  I want to say I’m sorry for all the pain I caused my best friend and her sister from another country.  They both have taken a lot from a very angry hurt and poisoned Dragon.  As this super blood moon is about to happen, many things have gone on. Now if it happened over time would not seem like much. When it happens all in a month then its time to take a moment and reflect.  I now sleep on a friends couch as others in my lives sleep in beds some of which at one point where mine.

Stage

I under stand as a pagan many truths. Some of which are hard lines and some of which take time to be proven.

  1. Your Karma is how you treat people, Theirs is how they treat you.
  2. All circles must be closed to move on.  The Ranger and the Crown’s. The Vampire and The Viking. The Dragon and the dark Ranger ( a search for one’s self)
  3. There is a price for everything and you pay one way or another.
  4. Karma pays you back 3 fold with good or ill.
  5. In a relation ship you die a hero or become the villain IF you don’t take care of it.
  6. You regret what you don’t do why more than what you did wrong.
  7. Forgive your self like you want others to forgive you. You’re the biggest bully to your self. worse than any one can be on the outside.

I have done the Worst crime any one can do to another creature.  I have killed true love. I have made the dance and joy fade from the eyes of someone I love more than breathing, more than my own life.  For this there is no sentence that will atone for it. No hail Mary or our Fathers, candle lighting or 30 lashes with a cat-o-nine-tails.   So here we are.  the edge of an astrological change.  I’m at Number 7 kinda apropos 7 stages of grief.  On the 27th My best friend and I will burn letters we have written each other to release us form the pain we caused each other.  If I could have but a wish I would go back in time and change my ways to show her I love her.  But in truth I would wish for one thing and that wish would be for her not to hurt any more and to be Happy.

yes… But

Yes-but

I have PTSD, Depression, and survivors guilt.. So yes I’m a mental horror show that few have ever dared to view up-close and personal.  It’s not that I want to relive the past I just can’t stop reliving the past.  If you have these issues you understand. If you don’t it sound oh so stupid.  I get it, I really do.  I tend to be harsh and unyielding.  I sometimes try to build some people up most times its works. Sometimes you run head long in to someone you love but they’re the ” yes . . . But….” person.   I have known many over my life, some see it after awhile some don’t.  They say the greatest most uplifting things then add that extra little bit to kick you back down.  Do they mean to.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be a charter trait, It is sometimes a learned response do to life and people.  Here is the rub at what point does your love for the person and the need not to get punched back down become unbalanced.  Just typing that sounds so wrong.  It’s like a Christopher Titus line. “hey can you call my phone so I can record it and play it back to show you how stupid you sound…”.    We love who we love, J.Geils Says it best ” you love her she loves some one else…”.  There are many things that I could but here for examples. that’s not fair of me.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  I say that a lot.  It fits this.  Their truth is that they don’t think its wrong to do it. Your truth is that its hurts.  If I love you, I love you. If I don’t, I don’t. If I hate you I wont piss on you if you’re on fire.  I still take calls from people who have tossed me from their life and now after a stroke they don’t remember all.  I wont talk to an Aunt because I have no use for her.  I’m Pagan and I have a love for some that will never change.  There are two out there that know this in spades.  I guess I write this so that maybe just maybe the universe will hear this.  Maybe just maybe it will in some way sway the cycle.  The vail it thin in the fall.  We see and feel things we don’t at any other time of the year. The dead can speak to us if you listen.  They leave notes and reminders. They can help the most at this time of year.  My best friend and I need to stop the knife dance.  The palming a blade as we hug each other.  We need to lift the other up with the love that is still there its has changed yes.  She will always be the love of my life. Will always hold my heart save in the chest that is of our memories. The saying its better to Love and lost then never to have loved at all.  Its crap. In many ways. In one way. I’m a much better person for loving her and touching true love than I could ever be with out that.  My Vampire Queen of the Ice castle,  the year and a day lasted 6 years 5 more than any one could hope. So I say thank you.   This is not the time for a Thank you. But…..

A poetic view

help-wanted-marijuana-legalized-jobs

I have been told I paint people sometimes to be the worst people in the world.  I talk about what they have said or done. I take no poetic license.  None of my writings come with a warning “based on a true story” IE: a beautiful mind.  I have had the worst things said to me by people who love me.  So today I’m taking my blog and telling the world in a Poetic license about some of my friends:

The first is a British woman: She has the strength  not often seen.  She can be harsh, unyielding and out spoken. She is also kind and motherly she found me living in a garage and had me move in to her home and started my healing process.  She taught me a love of cooking, and how to bake cakes so she could put artwork on them.  Is never misses a morning sweetie.  She is always here with a hand up. She is now and will always Be…. Well that’s for me to call her not the world to know.

The Ranger : He speaks little and talks less.  He saw every thing has no open emotions and could stare down snake.  that’s what the world see’s what I see is a man in pain a man who misses his one true love.  He looks but done not find. He observes but does not see.  He has brains but uses them for his own means never to help out the unworthy.  I have seen him smile as the world crumbles and get misty over the a memory.  He will befriend someone who thinks they are the reason for someone’s misery. All he said was that is why pencils have  erasers.

Last but by no means least:  The Vampire Queen of the Ice castle.  She can walk by a person that is close to a deep depression and not say a word. Not offer a hand up or a hug.   That’s what is projected.  What is she like on the inside. She is a lost little girl. Soft and damaged. She has issues of trust and a heart that wants to love but she is a bad judge of people (my self included) She knelt down and lifted me up. She changed her life for the Dragon that is me. She change her life for me and in that moment she changed my life.  She taught me to be kind to be willing to talk to be open to the right person.  We are not together at this time but is many ways we are. We talk we text and that’s all one can ask for.  The path we had headed down was one of total carnage.  We both knew we had to end it was not the time for us. In the future who knows we are not there.  The kindest thing she ever said to me ” You gave me my life back, and now its time for me to give you back yours”  the Harshest thing was ” when we started  my world was you. then you Shattered my heart 3 times” She is now and always will be the love of my life. She can be harsh uncaring and can cut your heart out and watch you die.She can be the kindest and most giving woman. It’s because of me that the woman can be cold and calculating for that I’m sorry but she needed that side to survive with the heart that she has.  If I ever have the honor to be her world again I wont let her ever question what my motives are or if I love her.

Lets see if I remember how to do this

loss wheele

Lets see if I remember how to do this. Its been a long time I see the dust on the keys.  I see the new scares on people’s  hearts and on mine that are left behind in the new world order. There are two main ideas to grief/loss a 7 step view and a 5 step view

Seven steps

Shock

 Denial

Anger

Guilt

Bargaining

Depression / Loneliness

Acceptance / hope

The five step:

Denial

Anger

 Bargaining

Depression / Loneliness

Acceptance / hope

Guilt and Shock are left out of the 5 steps. In truth there are many sub stages and you will regress. I’m still friends with the love of my life. ” In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king” I need that one-eyed man.  I look at pictures form when we first met and there is a sparkle, a joy. As time went on that sparkle faded: ” There will come a time when gold losses  its luster and the gems cease to sparkle…” She is now  in loves with some one else. I know she loved me no mater how many time  my inner voice says differently.  I see it in two pictures both on my birthday one from the beginning and one from the end.  my last birthday she took a picture for me and for one fleeting moment the love was there one last time.  like a May Fly that lives for only 24 hours the look was there and gone in the blink of an eye.

I hurt, My arms miss hugging her curves. My eyes miss the vision that was her. I use to wake to the color of her soul.

Now I wake up to an empty heart and the loneliness of another day with out her.  We text and email but as they say no better way to miscommunicate than electronically.  I love you my Queen.  I will always long to be in your grace again.  I have one wish before i die and go home. i want to see the sparkle and dance in her eye she once had for me.  I want to kiss her and have her kiss me the way she use too.

Gothic Vampire / my Ice Queen

Raina 4

I may have an IQ of 180 ( tested by the state Of Mass). I can figure out TV shows and movies 1/3 of the way through them.  If I was really smart I would have set down with my former girlfriend on 4 separate occasions.  I would have talked to her about an issue that was bugging me.  When she was drowning in work and I was feeling forgotten I should have bought a rose and talked to her.  When my depression was bad and I was needing help I should have shown her long before what she needed to do to help me recover.  I miss the smile she use to give me. I miss the sparkle in her eyes when I called her ”   My Ice Queen”.  Her touch sent shivers down my arm still does.  I gave my self to her LATE but she has my soul ( little damaged and abused ) and she will protect my heart.  If Goddess Diana, Goddess Selena or Thor the God of thunder finds it in their grace to give me a 2nd opportunity I would be in their debt. With pride I would show the world that my Ice Queen has decided to grace my life with her grace once again. I will always strive to be worthy of that honor as for now… .. .. I will find a new path and hope the God’s / Goddess’s find it to there liking and will grace my life once more with the smile of my Gothic Vampire Raina aka Rebecca my Ice Queen

If a man were to know the end of this day’s

“If a man were to know the end of this day’s business ‘ere it come. But it suffices that the day will end and then the end be known. And if we meet again, well then we’ll smile. And if not, then this parting was well made.” Uncommon Valor – Col. Cal Rhodes

 
We all have done it, we miss something. . . We cant get it back. . . 2 hugs later does not make up for the hug missed in the morning..  a kiss and I’m sorry does not make up for a missed “good morning”.  If you miss your date you cant make it up to the person you stood up. .  IM the KING of next time I will make it up.  I cant and as the past 29 days have showed me that.  When the Quote from the top comes to pass on August 29th I will have missed 10,000 chances to do it right when the time was there.  I have rediscovered the best friend I had forgotten.  We drifted and no one noticed the other one when they where sending up flairs and S.O.S.  I will miss the morning hugs I cant say the Morning kisses because well I did not kiss her good morning in 2 years.  I’m a heel, a rogue, a cad, no  I’m Dragon and I forgot that the most prized treasure needs to be admired and polished and show to the world. My hoard is lessened and made my shelf empty so when the world comes to the cave there is a empty spot where My treasure once was. Its life and no one gets out a live, When I go home I will see her face as I open my Eyes the sad part is on August 30th I will not.

LIER

Dragon and Raina

I CALL BULLSHIT: This is what happens when you try to make a very thin excuse when you know you are doing something that annoys people.  Look own it.  You did it, very few things are apples to apples. and even fewer are a=b=c. So if you do something don’t say well I did not want to disturb you.  You did the same..  well I thought..

We all have issues the thing is if you have them fix them, we all need to work at becoming better people. No one is perfect… Perfection is only in one place, in the eyes of the beholder. In many ways the love of your life is perfect, this does not mean that they don’t have there own issues this means there issues are much smaller than the perfection you see.  When things change is when the issues become as big as the perfection you see. “There comes a time, ….., when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison,……” ( movie Conan) Own your issues ” sorry ” does very little the 17th time is used being selfish is unattractive and when you close your self off from others you die a little. At the end of all this you have a body count of bad relationships, ex’s that number more than one hand and the feeling that you will always be alone. . .  Your right, you will be because you may have thought differently but your action say things much differently.
I am a rude, sarcastic, harsh, and in many ways unpleasant person. I own it and when I see it I try to change it. The 6 inches in front of your face its called life it’s what is important not the gifts a kiss in the morning a god your beautiful/handsome will go further than the new gift.