First try at Fiction writing how did i do

A silent scream

And from the dark he rises

The Room is dark, The smell of wheat, stale alcohol vomit fill the room.  A knock at the door…” think he is alive” A unseen voice says a female answers ” the bar girl says he was when he paid her” ” knock again…….
the knock is repeated a mug is thrown at the door and shatters. “yep he’s alive”.  Mumbles and more crashing bottles fall and swearing can be heard. The female asks ” should we go in?”  the male voice replies ” ya its almost sunup we should be off.  The Female replies ” like he will be able to ride in this condition”. The male answers “He lives he can ride”
Hearing the knock at the door and the Words he grabs a mug and throws it. The smash ringing in his head He thinks
 Not a great idea. . . another night of nightmares and black sleep of the dead. . did I pay her last night. .  did I pay my mead bill. . . how the hell did I end up in a bed. .  this day will suck. . .
The door opens the Light washes over him. SHUT THE DAMN DOOR he grows  as the two enter the room. . .
The door closes the male speaks ” we ride in a short order, throw up and be done with it or drink more your choice”. The female replies” More drink he drank enough to kill 12 men and you want him to drink more?”
I raise up “I did not drink enough to kill 12 men for I’m still alive. . . why I have no idea”  Issues is he knows why he is alive. . . I look over and to the night table and grab a bottle of tablets.  Pours out a few and toss them in my mouth and swallows them down with stale mead. The male voice answers yes that’s the answer more pills that will do it.  Look Ranger you and the Elf know this is me and you still ride with me…  The Ranger about as tall as a strong horse and keen of eye, beard and speaks little  a light chain shirt and a thin jerkin coves him all in a forest brown.  She is of Elvin decent skilled in many thing prayers, daggers and the bow. A fine chain shines a fine bow and short swords hang at her hip. .
The Ranger draws the drapes.  I role over to avoid the light. The Ranger speaks still amazes me how you vanish is shadows. . . Its a gift Gray can I ask WHY the hell we are riding at this hour. . . The Gray replays well your little brawl last night will not go over to well and we have a job. .  “Joy” I reply “what is it this time” I mumble.    Will talk on the way.  “Fine go get the food and I will armor up”. .  The two leave the room. . . From my saddle bag I pull out an Image stone and set it upon the table.  The stone comes to life and there is a tall woman Long dark hair pale skin and fangs can be seen.  The curves of a stunning woman can be observed.  It speaks ” I love you ” is all it says.
I rise from the bed bones crack and snap in to place. .  scares from many battles can be seen.  The scars in my  mind are worse. .  The woman Vampire really my.. It does not matter . . . In the silver glass I see a heave man of many seasons long flowing hair.  Closing the shades  it becomes clear why I disappear in the shadows.   I grab my  Armor leather chain and leather pants riding boots I sling my twin short swords over my shoulder.  my Ear ring where the hell is it . .  tossing the table to the side there it is and adds it back to my ear. I have few items left. My armor, my two mystical swords, a ring of protection the ear ring and a chains of charms around my neck.  That’s all I have left after the . . . Again it does not matter…  Placing the Image stone back in the saddle bag along with the tablets, pouch of gold.  Tossing 3 gold coins on the table  “I pity the chamber wench that has to clean this place”.
Enter the main room of the tavern blood can be seen on the floor.  Leers form the staff and owner as I descend the stairs. The Ranger speaks “and you say I have a bad way with taverns”. I reply “do you ever not have to point out the obvious”. Its “My gift” is his retort. The owner rambles over. . “you your a menace, beating them half to death and all the mead the broken chairs and tables….”.  Oh do shut up Rastan just give me the damn bill and shut your hole… Is my only reply.”   Rastan looks me over and says “50 gold” “Rastan I could as easily kill you as pay”.  Yes Airister but when you and the riders need a place to stay where would you stay then?”.  “He has a point” Pipes in the Ranger… “He is always good for a bed and a Pint”.  “Who’s side are you On Ranger mine or Rastan’s ?” ” Well that’s Obvious his now pay the man and lets be off”…”Fine Ranger.”  “Airister You know You caused the fight now pay up and shut up..  I toss Rastan the 50 gold “that is also to cover when the constable come asking questions” “Fine, fine. Airister I would have taken 30 for it all but 50 works”. . . I mumble “I would have paid 100 and wonder off…”
The light hurts my eyes. 4 mounted riders await.  A Paladin in bright shining armor, a thief in stolen garb,  the Elf and The Gray Ranger. . . with distain the Paladin looks over.  I see it was another drunk’n night for you.  “Look metal man not all of us live by a honor code” is my only reply.  the Thief laughs and the elf shakes her head and the Ranger just tosses his head to my horse.  My horse a mount as black as night eyes coal and ill tempered much like its rider…..   As they ride out of town. A woman looks out the tavern doors a large gem in her hand a queens ransom in value.  Her pay for one night with Airister. She wont speak of the words he screams in the night the changes he goes through in the dark or of the verbal abuse she takes from him.  No she is well paid and knows he will return and it will all happen again….

And from the Darkest places Kindness is found

Raina 4A DARK NIGHT MARESept1,2014 till Nov 3rd 2015

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Opening to the Radio show “the shadow”

I hate people not a person but people.  What is the different you ask.  Well people are heard animals, reactionary, with a mob mentality, a group think if you will.  A person has independent thought, Ideals, can feel and even has compassion.   The pictures above are of two woman I know. there is one is of me.  The women are all dark, gothic and breathtakingly beautiful.  Each have shown me kindness one I will never meet in person ( well one says never say never) one I dated.  They all have smiled at a stranger and lifted his hopes.  One was gliding down an escalator at Macy’s when My heart stopped.  As stated many time I’m a large ball of arrogant, harsh asshole, with a thin candy coating of charming. The last picture is of me from Sept. 1st 2014 till now Nov. 3rd 2015   I have lost 18 inches and 78 pounds. .   I would grow it all back if I could go back in time for 24 hours and tell MYSELF what the future holds for him.  That would be me being kind to my self.  I still call my self a Fat man,  I tell my self I’m stupid for what I have done. I’m a loser for losing Raina the best thing I ever had.  Hell I could bring my self up on charges for slander. If I was Married to my self I could get a divorce for verbal abuse.  The woman in the pictures have shown more kindness than I have shown my self. For full disclosure one will from time to time say ” that’s great But you still…. ” it’s a left-handed compliment that she is working on stopping.   Kali Noir Diamond a gothic model that have every right to just say “thank you” and never give it a second thought.  What she did, chatted, smiled and gave a kind word to a strange. The Beautiful woman at Macy’s did not have to have lunch with me but she did.  She did not have to invite me to make a life with her but she did.  All acts of kindness to a person that self-abuse.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Dragon knows!”,

I’m trying hard to stop but I fail. .  a lot . .  I keep trying. . I have started telling friends to stop with the negative help also. .  when I want to think about what if I had done this different….. LET ME for a  min it lessens the pain.. Don’t keep hammering home will did you ever think your meant to be here now so you can grow. .  Yes I think of that often.  So from the Darkest places of the Goth world Three Gothic woman bent over to make an wounded Dragon smile and stand back up.

Will we be Ok….

Raina 4insanity Maitress in the shadow

In my head there is Dragon and Raymond. I guess it’s the ID and the EGO if you will. I went insane at some point in my life hard to say just when.  Now before you call Bellview phyc word.  Read the center picture

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein

I started doing this at some point in my life and it works for a while but in the end it turns every thing in to a layer of dust, consisting of shattered dreams, futures never reached and promises never kept.  I’m broken, hurting, a recovering fat man, a raging ass with a thin candy coating of charming. ( I’m very self-aware )  The ladies in the pictures book ending the words are people I know in my life.  One is a former Girl Friend and one is a gothic modal, author,  and Police woman.  That I chat with.  These women are strong and are deep.  For some reason they like me.  My former girlfriend and I still chat we have furry children together we just grew apart. OK. Here is the rub.  We did not grow. We got complacent and forgot about the other on may occasions. We hurt and healed but never fixed.  She was to this point the best thing in my life.  TO THIS POINT…. ok till Jan 2015.  when the cracks could no longer be ignored.  The cuts to deep and the complacency was choking the life from us both.  I look back on pictures and like any thing in the throes of death the sparkle left her eyes and in mine I’m guessing also…  People tell you many things and as time goes on if you have mental illness you hear only the bad and that sticks not the good

Kali: …just because your chubby…… That doesn’t make you ugly.

I have heard that 1000 times before from dear friends even my former Girlfriend when dating and after.  Will I be ok? Yes IF and I do mean IF I heal my insanity.  STOP doing the same things stop faceless beings that are all the same.  There 4 lessons I for got ..

  1. The only place that is fair is a place that they judge live stock. .  no other place or situation is fair
  2. Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder no place else.
  3. Beauty takes many forms and can never have a blanket definition.
  4. Seasons changes people change feelings change views change people must also change the “hurry up living or hurry up dying you can’t do both”

So a full moon hours away and Halloween / Day of the dead coming fast.  I have changed many see it, some will not acknowledge it. They will only see what you were and that you will always appear to be this way.   I have my resume done classes almost done.  A life ahead of me.  F.E.A.R 2 meanings. Face everything and run or face everything and RISE there are you 2 options.  I will choose Rise.  For my friends but also mostly for me……

You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion

rise_of_the_shadow_dragon female-vampire-art-vampire-hunter

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote

There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire.  My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em.  I hear things like..

” You need to just walk away..”  You need to cut all ties”  “You are  just slowing your progress…”  “you’re only hurting your self”

Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement.  I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen.  Bad marriages, The Corp.  I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares,  I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).

….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message.  I could have a life.  I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD.  Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal.  Funny thing we became friends.  What do you know.  As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves.  It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought.  I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do.  I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between.  See they make up my window unto my world.  I thank them, but they’re not me.  I will listen and see their side, their point of view.  I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine.  My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want.  With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss.  Is that so wrong?  I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help.  So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.

The Cure

The cure

I miss my friend.  Four small words. what do they  mean? What pain does it hide? How deep are the scars?  Why are they gone?  All really good question.  At the end of the day they all matter very little.  You miss them.  over done next.  STOP  just stop.  Don’t gloss over it.  It will fester and grow.  One day you will sit alone and scream I MISS TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How would I know?  I just did it, I just screamed I want to call her, text her.   I told her I can’t talk to her for a while..  So its my cure I guess. The cure is worse than the disease.  When did wanting someone in your life a disease.  Well any one? any one at all?

….. When the sound of their voice makes you angry.  When you ask and they give their word and they “forget”.  When you forget there is a world around you.  Bruce Lee  quote

“Its like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

That is what I was doing. Pavlov’s Dog.  A beep, ding or “rock show” goes off you have to stop what you’re doing and read.   I would stop eating, studying, or wake up at 3am to look and see what I missed.   So now its Monday 2 days from when I said  could not talk to her.  I have learned a few things.  One I like her in my life.  I like talking to her.  I like the way her voice can calm me when I’m ready to hurt things my self my growth.  I like the child like view she has of the world the wonder in her eyes.  That’s why I was with her.  She was my world and I forgot that.  There is a poker saying “Stupidity is Expensive”. Cost me my world the love of a great woman my home and my dogs.  Second poker saying “Learn form some one else mistakes it will save your bank roll”.  They can be looked at the same way but they should not.  both are learning.  One is watching one is doing.  My brother form a distant mother learned from my mistakes  he is further along mending fences than I am.  Good for him Mother will be proud of him. As for my self.  Oct  29th I will send an email early in the Week and ask for a chat at lunch.  Its one of our Holy times of year.  In some ways it’s the end of one year with the day of the dead to follow.  So it will be a good start.  We will see how it goes.  All forms of a cure for a disease.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

The devil you know

This is what we all must face.  Devil, Demon, Angel, Dragon, or Vampire.  The say the Devil was cast out from Heaven.   OK.  Now its funny a Pagan that prays to 3 ( 2 Goddess and a God) would start this with a thought like this.  I know what and who I am.  I’m a mental shop of horrors, I have many issues.  “;” this is my touch stone if you have no idea what it is Google the Semicolon movement.  I am a raging asshole of sarcasm, and snide comments.   Few I will give a kind word to, fewer yet will I allow to get close.  The ones that do all become Devils in their own way.  All are well-meaning, all with good intentions.  The path to hell is paved with good intentions.  I wait for “Morning _______”  from two people one I send a message of “Alive” to and one I chat with.  Which one means more?  AH there is the rub they are different people who hold different sway in my life.  The one the gets the chat is special in a different way than the one that gets the “alive” message.  I know skeletons in a lot of closets.  I know of secrets that can never be shared.   So the Devils I know for now I will keep.  They will change forms, sometimes will wear halos over a Vampire form.  All the while I have started bricking my self back into my cave not because I’m depressed but to heal.  To stop the cycle of pain that the good intentions bring.  Sadly I with draw from the world and close this side of my cave.  I will delve deeper in to my darkness and look for an endurance to the sky I will fly again in and feel the sun on my skin and do a Dragon dance on a distant hill where only I will be.  Knowing that this dance has been seen by only 2 others.  I miss people I pushed away.  I long for years gone by.  I will always miss “her”  it is what it is.  IF you’re truly my friend you will under stand if you’re not….. Sorry for your luck I will be who I am not to please you, but to be me.   long ago I let the world tell me who I was.  A jock and could never show I was smart.  Yesterday a person who is a beautiful model who’s pictures are loved my thousands asked me if when I get her Print if I would send her a picture of me holding the Print…… I asked why Your beautiful and I’m Chubby.  She said You may be chubby but that does not make you Ugly.   Life has changed for me,  as I sit here its all a layer of dust over a burnt wasteland.  Perspective what is there is a clean slate that the winds of change will blow away the dust leaving open ground and places to plant and to let things grow.  I will plant a Grove of roses and trees in memories of people in the past like a park to visit and remember.  As for now there is a slight breeze that is starting to move the dust.  I need to let it. I need to move and not block the wind…… We are all born as many men and we die as a single one……

OK

Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

two roads meet…….. and i….

2 roads

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away.  Standing at the intersection of life with two options.  Yes, yes I know he had 4 miss the point much its a medifor please keep up.   I know I’m (inhales deep) cold, distant, angry, mean, harsh, self-absorbed and not easy to get to know.  Few I have let in and some I let in to push away and to cast out because I love them.  I have one friend who packs a lunch and bivouacs down with me.  He wont leave till I can be self sufficient.  It’s not always easy for him but he is there.  I’m alone and the voices are strong, of self-doubt, self loathing self hate.  Hey look I told you I’m self-absorbed.  I had true love and pushed it away.  So I start again and again and yes yet again.  Friends pick me up dust me off and send me out.  He looks down says ok get up.  I set up small goals.  I get out of bed to see if 2 people have sent a good morning.  Now I’m up can’t go back to bed.  Then its caffeine.  Ok mind is working.  Food most mornings.  Then 20 mins. of sun and a pipe,  mediation music plays to calm the mind.  Ok its noon day is fully underway.  time for study and weight training.  Then shower shave maybe dye my beard.   3 pm time to prep dinner.  6pm eat and then reflection.  All along messages from people to see how I’m.  Yes in some cases to see if I’m alive.  My day.   Weekends I’m alone every one has a date but me alone in the dark.  Cue the voices and the cave looms.  Some people here like my writing they say I have a talent.  I guess I do.  I always hated writing in school but here I am quill to paper, ok type to lap top.  I have stories I want to get out I have ideas that need to see the light of day.    eloquentparadise and kandicelisa like my work and kandicelisa has said she would help with ideas.   I guess I do have a talent I need direction.  I’m happy that my best friend is safe with her new love, away from the encroaching darkness I need to defeat if I’m to be me.  So here we are why did I pen this.  This piece of thoughts and medifors.  Because that’s why.  For now that is my answer in time I will see why this needed to come out for now.  It will set along with 55 other pieces of writing for you to read and leave comments.  I lost 75 lbs the love of my life all in a year.  She said it was time to set me free after I set her free from a hell.  I’m proud I could do that.  I thank her for making me SEE what I had become and what I need to do to heal.  There it is 500+ words of fragmented thoughts.  But they needed to be let out like a Pandora’s box.  All the evil is out but sitting with me is hope.  hope a small word but huge potential………. 

A new wind is blowing

A silent scream

“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever seen a person do a silent scream.   Its gut twisting, scary, sad, and hopeless all rolled in to one neat little silence.  I scream ever day a silent scream because no one is here. Today it slipped out. I screamed as my friend watched helpless.  I screamed I wanted to go home to be someplace I could not go.  Funny thing I have 3 homes and NONE of them I can go to.  So my silent scream was heard. I have seen a silent scream.  How can you see a silent scream?.  Some one I was very close with has a stroke and could no longer cry.  But left was the actions not the sound the stroke had taken that…  I fear very little Death is not a fear its a want of mine but that is for a different story.  My fear is to be trapped in my mind unable to speak or write, to communicate.  That is my true fear. to be the living dead to be seen and pitied.   I lost a love that was so deep so pure that it was magical.  I pushed her away because of self hate.  I wanted her to go and save her self from what I was becoming.  She did.  The day it ended I was numb.  As time has passed I see what it was and have promised her to lock it a way, the pain.  Stop looking for the man on the grassy knoll.  Stop looking for reasons to hurt myself and is some cases her.   This is my release of the bad mojo, this last bit of poison that has tainted my heart.  I’m giving up the last 10%.  I not longer fight with guns, swords, knives.  For I have learned that words cut so much cleaner and deeper and leave wounds that fester worse than any poison.   They also can heal and mend.  this is my new path to heal and to mend..  I have one wish to die in the arms of my best friend. So when I close my eyes here I will have that vision to carry me home.  To rolling hills of wheat, apple trees and grapes.   I had silent scream and some one was here to hear it.  So to the universe I write these words out.  I will no longer look to use the past for pain.  I will enjoy the silly things we did.  The concerts. The Fairs. The  fun that was and look forward.  To what futures may come.  20 years from now I will not be sad for what I did not do.  Because I now can and want to.