THE DREAM REMAINS THE SAME……

So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.

dance-with-the-devil-moon

Many times and she is Stunning

The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi
It’s time to find my armor again.  I lost my old armor.  It no longer fit.  It was full of holes, tattered, and mismatched.  I was coming out of a unhealthy marriage of 17 years.  I was running with a bad crowd and living on pain meds.  I had to make a choice to take a chance and live or stay and see how dark it would get.
A friend found me and had me live in their attic.  I found someone and fell in love and moved in.  The cost was my armor.  The armor covers open wounds.  Cuts that would not heal, that oozed icker that had a truly foul smell.  Scars and marks from where I had out grown the armor.
It’s now time to find my new armor.  To enter the war that is life you need an armor.  Some can get through it with a jerkin and a light vest.  Some need gothic plate armor that is more a show of opulence and protection.  Protects them from life.  So these people feel nothing and say it’s a deities will, or fate.
Karma is a fickle Mistress she does not forgive or forget.  I have paid for my crimes against Her.  Others are having her move in and settle down for a while.
None of this is for me to bare and or take upon my self.  I need some type of armor.  My choice of armor is leather and chain.  This is lightweight but still offers protection.  We all need protection from the acid, slings, arrows and blows that life will deliver.
A fool thinks they need no armor.  We all need some type of protection.  There is one that will forever be able to fine the weak spots in the armor.  I know theirs.  I can not be slowed by the passing glances that life throws my way.  The forget to reply.  The missed phone calls.  Life is not for the weak and no one gets out alive.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  It all boils down to the same thing.  To live is to fight.  To fight does not always mean to hit someone.  It means get up in the morning 15 minutes early if you have to, To finish up making lunch.  To finish that load of dishes.  When you cant fight, your armor will protect you for the time you need.
Life is a contact sport.  I tried to hide in a hole.  It still found me.  If you decide not to partake, you still are. You just let it making the choices not you.  So yes it’s time for me to once more go into the breach.  Yes life will kill me it does it to every one but its better to go down swinging than to die scared under the bed.
The road we walk has Demon’s under them. Mine have waited along time for me to come out and walk the road.  Who am I to deny them. Or myself of the fight.  So yes its time for me to find new armor.  Not to live on Caffeine, Animosity, and Anger. But to use what I have learned and start again.  Its not the destination its the journey.  The sights along the way. This is what you regale your friends with at home or the bar.  Life is meant to be experienced not hidden from. 

THERE IS NO DO OVER…….. WEAR IT LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR.

                         Lexi                                      Lexi                                    Kali Noir Diamond

Mirror, Mirror,  It tells all.  What do I mean.  it tells you, that you need a shave. It tells you to wash. It tells you that your lying to your self.  What do I mean.  We look in the mirror every day.  As I said shave, brush teeth, wash your face or to have a long talk with your self.  Are you who you want to be or who your told to be?

I will give you a minute on that one. ( jeopardy theme).  Ok min is over.  I have been the good son.  After my dad died I helped my mom with bills.  Helped many people with their lives.  Have a son that gave me 2 grand kids.

Issue is all that is not me.  I lost my self for so long in making sure people got to school.  Found their feet.  Find new jobs.  Leave bad relationships.  I’m 49 and I never helped me find me.  I blew up a marriage, a 5 year relationship.  Because I was not me.  Yes I play cards and I may get a tattoo saying ” I’m a Poker Degenerate”.  Fuck it if the world is going to label me screw it.  Wear it like a Hawthorn novel.  If you miss the reference google it.

I know I can play cards.  I’m good.  I’m an old man in a young mans game. Will I make millions, I don’t need to.  I need to make enough to be happy.  What is happy.  For some its a new husband, that a friend helped free you for.  Its a house in a new state where life is slower.  For some its a 2 room apt. that’s all His.

We all need to find it.  I touched it,  Oct 1st 2016.  I have touched it before a birthday in 2010.  A beautiful girl on my lap, with a smile and a silly hat.  The day my son graduated from high school. ( him giving the finger to the administration not a bell ringer but hey his day)  I touched it again that day in October.

A Facebook model Lexi J Hamann ( look her up ).  Had to post a disclaimer because some ass had to rain on her day.  LOOK its your life no one can live it for you.  Your are not getting extra time because you stayed with the crazy bytch or the self-righteous asshole.  Death does not say “oh well your time is up but here a coupon for 5 years and a free happy meal.”

People its time to find you and yes the Hottie that is on this blog is Facebook model Lexi J Hamann.   She is a great person.  I have a few female models I call friends.  Some are well known, Gothic model Kali Noir Diamond.  Some are Facebook. Some are just starting out.  You know what they all had in common?  They said Screw it I want to be happy.

There comes a time you need to run away from home. Nothing grows in the comfort zone.  That’s a lie, there is something.  its called regret and you wont get a Do over.

https://www.facebook.com/lexieJ7 /  https://www.facebook.com/callanoirdiamond

THE WINDOWS TO THE SOUL…

Her eyes are haunted they do not sparkle.  Life has been ruff for her.  she says ” I’m happier than I have ever been.”  The eyes are the windows to the soul.  that’s why poker players wear sunglasses.
Why should I care? Why should I wonder about it? I have seen the eyes sparkle.  Why should it bother me?  I guess you have never given a homeless person a meal.  helped an older person with getting any thing from a high shelf.  helped a child find mom or a policeman.
We are human and we are suppose to look out for each other.  She looks out for me as best she can.  Her heart is with an other.  She tries.  People are people.  IF you loved them and it was real. Then there will always be feelings there. UNLESS the end was horrid and was all your fault, then you wont have those feelings.
Some are in relationships that it is of convenience and little else.   Some are perfect Illusions to point to a pop hit.  Some are so intense they leave scars.  Will I ever find someone?  The world thinks I will.  I’m not looking, I have friends but like the captain of the Dutchman.  Its in a box on a shelf being watched over.  I can have it any time I want it.  I don’t want it at this point in my life.  I want to play poker and see things.
I know the person watching it has forgotten they have it.  Its covered in webs and dust.  Which is fine.  When its discovered years from now.  It will have the scars of a life partly lived.  The note in side will say “the plan did not work. It was flawed but its all we had so we ran with it.”  Some loves last eons.  Some they write stories over, some are horror movies.
When I go home and I awaken an I look around from this dream.  I will see new scars and a face looking back at me.  She will say welcome home.  The heart will start to beat again.  Atrophied muscles starting to work and pump blood again.  She will look at me and place a hand on my chest.  With a sad look she will know it was a bad dream with a love that did not last.  She will kiss my cheek and say there is work to do.  She will smile and say and “I have needs also.”
That awakening is years away.  There are tables to play.  hands to win.  A friend I miss with sad haunted eyes.  they will say I’m wrong and I’m seeing zebras in a horse stable.  But I know her eyes I saw love, hate, and sadness in them all caused by me. I lived in those eyes.  Now I live on a couch and play cards.
As I finish this post up.  a song makes me smile.  On one hand I hear Archer saying “DANGER ZONE. Lana”.  On the other I feel the feeling when I have ace high and I push with two kings showing and win.
Yes all this from seeing a friends sad eyes…

” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.
I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.
 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.
I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.
I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.
Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.
When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.
People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.
I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?
People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,
i cant be me.
I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.
Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.
The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.
I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.
At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.
I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.
I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 
49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

WHY

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

  • Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

sad
It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

Its not a World Shattering post. . it is what it is….

yesterday_is_history-35189
Ashes to ashes, endings are a Must.
If it has a beginning, than an ending is  just.
Nothing is forever, so to end it’s a must.
It maybe be sad but that’s not a must.
You see we can choose how we see it, that’s all up to us..
you can be sad if you must.
but you can be glad you had them also this to is just.
So be happy that they stayed for a while, the time with them was not a bust.
You loved them with lust.
You held them close and smiled so happy you could bust.
But now the love and smiles are gone, so is the Lust.
But smile because an new beginning starts with an ending this is a must.

The April showers

yesterday_is_history-35189

What is time.  Its a unit of measurement that humans made up so that every thing did / does not all happen at one moment.  Meaning there would be no war of 1812 because there would be no Years, Months, Weeks, Day, hours or even seconds.  There would just be the “now” and every thing happens “now”, when is now? It cant be then.  Because now is now well now and then would never be.  The poem Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the mystery. Today is the present that is why its a gift.  April is a month that I will dread for there are fixed moments in time.  April 17th the day when people stated there want to be with each other even if one was already with some one. April 19th and the windows where open. Last but not least April 22.  Because forever and always never to be left behind magically changed to I can’t because I don’t love you any more.  Truth be told I did not love me any more either. So here we are she happy and full of love and joy.  I’m bitter alone healing and finding my way in the world.  I’m cold and alone she says she could be alone but has not for a very long time.  I start a poker career Saturday. Win or lose once more in to the breach I dive.  Live with very little net.  She is find a warm hug, a glass of wine and wet doggie kisses.  I will find loneliness, fear and uncertainty.  Once is an accident. When it happens twice its a pattern.  My Vampire her Dragon.  One knows not what happens at this weeks end  it suffices that the week will end and the end be known.  LY My Vampire.