So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.
Lexi Lexi Kali Noir Diamond
Mirror, Mirror, It tells all. What do I mean. it tells you, that you need a shave. It tells you to wash. It tells you that your lying to your self. What do I mean. We look in the mirror every day. As I said shave, brush teeth, wash your face or to have a long talk with your self. Are you who you want to be or who your told to be?
I will give you a minute on that one. ( jeopardy theme). Ok min is over. I have been the good son. After my dad died I helped my mom with bills. Helped many people with their lives. Have a son that gave me 2 grand kids.
Issue is all that is not me. I lost my self for so long in making sure people got to school. Found their feet. Find new jobs. Leave bad relationships. I’m 49 and I never helped me find me. I blew up a marriage, a 5 year relationship. Because I was not me. Yes I play cards and I may get a tattoo saying ” I’m a Poker Degenerate”. Fuck it if the world is going to label me screw it. Wear it like a Hawthorn novel. If you miss the reference google it.
I know I can play cards. I’m good. I’m an old man in a young mans game. Will I make millions, I don’t need to. I need to make enough to be happy. What is happy. For some its a new husband, that a friend helped free you for. Its a house in a new state where life is slower. For some its a 2 room apt. that’s all His.
We all need to find it. I touched it, Oct 1st 2016. I have touched it before a birthday in 2010. A beautiful girl on my lap, with a smile and a silly hat. The day my son graduated from high school. ( him giving the finger to the administration not a bell ringer but hey his day) I touched it again that day in October.
A Facebook model Lexi J Hamann ( look her up ). Had to post a disclaimer because some ass had to rain on her day. LOOK its your life no one can live it for you. Your are not getting extra time because you stayed with the crazy bytch or the self-righteous asshole. Death does not say “oh well your time is up but here a coupon for 5 years and a free happy meal.”
People its time to find you and yes the Hottie that is on this blog is Facebook model Lexi J Hamann. She is a great person. I have a few female models I call friends. Some are well known, Gothic model Kali Noir Diamond. Some are Facebook. Some are just starting out. You know what they all had in common? They said Screw it I want to be happy.
There comes a time you need to run away from home. Nothing grows in the comfort zone. That’s a lie, there is something. its called regret and you wont get a Do over.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Author some say Mark Twain. some say no…
Ok so yesterday was not a great day. Had doubts about my poker game. Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom. My brother ( roommate ) said well then do it. Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..” style. Then we start the real conversation. He asks What 2+2=? and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out. After noticing the stare of ” are you done”. I stopped and said Ok what am I missing. The whole question he said. At this point I’m lost. He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.
Your issues are mainly 2 things:
1: you hate to lose. You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it. In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT. Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on. I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.
2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation. You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.
The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more. There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer. This is wrong. As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.
I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain. Would you rather be loved or wanted? I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.
Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me. Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that. Most said wanted. yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.
I woke early to get some sun on my face. The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in. the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back. I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.
Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.
Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.
We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.
- Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.
So how does this work with my 2 issues. It in a way answers both. I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough. NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ). So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer. Time after time after time. You get the point. So here we are. Life is right out there inches away. The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life. So at this point I have really only 2 choices
1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”
2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation. Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.
This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live. We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see. In my head I have to think yes. For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right. Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy. I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s. Always lost. Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers. After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic. One day I just said ya your right. “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.
What did I learn. Live in an equation. It have variables, and factors. Inserting an answer does not work. Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available. Do the work don’t insert answer.
- Shock And Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
- Testing and Reconstruction
What is time. Its a unit of measurement that humans made up so that every thing did / does not all happen at one moment. Meaning there would be no war of 1812 because there would be no Years, Months, Weeks, Day, hours or even seconds. There would just be the “now” and every thing happens “now”, when is now? It cant be then. Because now is now well now and then would never be. The poem Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the mystery. Today is the present that is why its a gift. April is a month that I will dread for there are fixed moments in time. April 17th the day when people stated there want to be with each other even if one was already with some one. April 19th and the windows where open. Last but not least April 22. Because forever and always never to be left behind magically changed to I can’t because I don’t love you any more. Truth be told I did not love me any more either. So here we are she happy and full of love and joy. I’m bitter alone healing and finding my way in the world. I’m cold and alone she says she could be alone but has not for a very long time. I start a poker career Saturday. Win or lose once more in to the breach I dive. Live with very little net. She is find a warm hug, a glass of wine and wet doggie kisses. I will find loneliness, fear and uncertainty. Once is an accident. When it happens twice its a pattern. My Vampire her Dragon. One knows not what happens at this weeks end it suffices that the week will end and the end be known. LY My Vampire.