How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.

A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id

My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.

We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.

I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.

Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.

OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.

it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….

Im not the Hero

Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one day

You see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same

 Shinedown- Special

When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold.  When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives.  You start to see targets not people.  You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them).  You start longing for the grave.  The silence, the end of the pain.  The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch.  Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts.  All are damaged to a point.  They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad.  The horrors of the underside of life.  It changes all of them.  Some never show it.  But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted.   The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t.  Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area.  If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short.  You die a little inside.  You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago.  Eating chow with them.  Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time.  Them missing moms biscuits.   You remember their dreams for post combat.  How they have plan and dreams and families.  After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families.  And that YOU took them from their families.  You played god you ended their time here.  You had them throw off there mortal coils.  You now have that albatross around your neck.  You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one.  If they can take the nights you cant sleep.  The nights you ghost the house.  The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming.  All this goes through your head.   You worry that if you love them can they love you.  With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times.  So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away.  You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged.   I’m there now.  Do I let people in or keep them out.  I know the truth I should just let them decide.  Ya that is one thing I need to learn.  A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied.  See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit.  I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine.  I’m learning  that.

Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it.  Sometimes it just is what it is.  In poker your always told to trust your gut.  Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong.  To be able to let someone in to your life.  You  need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you.  No one can make someone else happy.  You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy.  Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.

Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

get-backup

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.
As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.
      • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……

so_long_fish

I need a new part with new lines
Anything if it’s good for your head
You can donate your heart to science
But it won’t bring you back from the dead
I got a feeling that I can’t let go
………
Can’t Let Go – by – Caught A Ghost
Why is Good Bye so hard to say. Most people say it every day. Some of us see it as a permanent end to something. Its said at graves. Its said at hospital beds. It’s even said sometimes when you know its a one way trip in a helo.
BRUTUS
to return to Rome in chains. My mind is too great for that. But today, the work that March 15th began must end, and I don’t know if we’ll meet again. Therefore, accept my everlasting farewell. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we meet again, then we’ll smile. If not, then this parting was well done.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we meet again, then we’ll smile indeed. If not, it’s true, this parting was well done.
BRUTUS
Well, lead on. Oh, I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!
that’s the modern version But it means the same. Good Bye, we will not cross again. BUT even if they did they would not be the same. See some times when you say Good Bye, it’s some times to a time period in your life.
I called my former girlfriend and said goodbye. We talked for a few minutes. we said we loved each other and yes it was time for goodbye. She once made me a vow she kept. It hurt her and in truth was hurting me but she kept it. She promised even though we where not dating she would not leave me we could talk. She kept that vow even to both of our detriments. She said you (I) would have to be the one to leave. So I said Good Bye. You can’t live in the now tied to the past. Demons find a way to use this against you.
Will we talk again who knows. IF we do it will not be as former lovers it will be as friends so in a way this Good Bye was to a time in my life. She is a great person. We are meant for different lives. It was never going to be for a long time but it was a good time. As the fog of anger lifts and the winds of time blow off the clouds of hate. It shows the day we changed clothes in a parking lot after getting soaked. Her putting her foot in fresh paint. The day we got our fur baby. All the concerts. How I would dedicate Blink-182 rock show to her to see that irritated smile. Those are good memories I had forgotten until I said Good Bye. The day will end and then the end be known. So now we start to heal and to move forward. It’s ok to look back but you can never GO back.
She is happy and I now have the same chance. As I got off of a Dental table after a 2 hour session. After all my teeth had been drilled, with the infections and rot removed. I felt like it was the first day in this body. because in a way it was. I was new I was whole I did not have this poison in and around me anymore. I see life differently I see as Louis Armstrong say a wonderful world. Even on a rainy day like today. Rain washes its cleans and cleanses. So , lead on. …., I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

Why we want what we can’t have

what we cant have
We always think that we want the pretty girl, that handsome guy. We want the white picket fence, the house, the 2 to 3 Kids ( In today’s society fur babies are the same as human babies). But all we really want is what’s supposed to go into that house.
All we really want is to be loved. When we don’t find it, we always chase the wrong people. We chase the ones that will always bring us pain. Will always bring us misery, we know it but we just won’t accept it.
  • “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
  • “She would be different you will see”.
  • “Others they don’t see what I see”.
  • any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
This is followed by:
  • ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
  •   Pssst  you said that to the last one
  • also you can’t love different people the same way,  because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
  • ” They have changed from when we first met.”
  •   Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
The problem is that what you see, most times is what you get.  There’s very few people that are different from what they expose to the world. If they are cold, calculating, and sometimes very harsh to deal with. If this also continues after you start to date.  Then surprise, surprise they’re exactly what they appear to be. They’re  cold, calculating, and harsh.
life just has this way of beating the ever living hell out of people. Kindness, well that’s the first thing that’s gone from them. Happiness is next. Finally people become calculating.  Pictures and texts become ammunition.
Because life is unrelenting, it will just keep beating you, and beating you and beating you. It won’t let you up to breath, because it doesn’t have to. Life is harsh, it’s unrelenting. The pressure that life puts on every generation is always the same, it just looks different.
I had the love of 2 women that helped me lower my guard.  I allowed them to come in.  They each cut me deep and made me sorry I let them in.  We in one case talked it over.  With this one we found a spot of bedrock in a swampy area know as life to re-build our friendship on.
  • The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
The other well we just never talked about it.  This became the crack that would spell the eventual end to us as a couple.
  • But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
Her and I have made peace. We have turned the sand to glass and have made a transparent house for our friendship.  We have just learned not to throw stones at each other.  We know each others secrets.  Some should never see the light of day.
Yet People still chase the wrong person, for what ever reason.  Truth be told we want it to fail.  Because we have become so jaded.  We sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  We know if we chase the wrong person there is the  possibility that we will never fully let our guard down.
I’m guilty of this.  So now I just have friends with intimate options.  No dating, to make up lines like “we think a like” no making a dysfunctional relationship look like the greatest love story of all times.
I have been the bad guy so many times.  The guy that makes you look in the mirror and say ” This is your relationship looks pretty Huh?” ” OK is not a standard to live by its a starting point!” ” You wear the praise people heap upon you like a coat, like the red badge of courage.  ‘Oh look she is giving her life to him.  Sticking by him even when he abuse her. It’s the Illness she is an Angel for doing that’.” I have heard friend say, ” I know I will end up alone, with my dogs, a bitter person.”
WOW that’s a life goal to work for.  When you die you don’t get credit for time served.  Just because you hung in there with an asshole that gave you a case of Stockholm Syndrome.  When your time is up its up.  No free Frosty and 6 more months.
I’m done with people that bring nothing to my life.  If you start your travel plans with ” I want ….”  and you have a partner you need to re-look at your self.  If all you can do is take up my time and not help me see the world differently.  If you cant help me with my Poker or my Writing, its been real.  I’m not shallow I’m just 50 years old and tired of people wasting my life.
You control your life, you control how you allow people to interact with you.  You allow or deny people the ability to make you out to be the bad person when your not.  That’s called transference ( Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.) ( Google is your Friend).
I have no time for these people. Ok I’m kinda guilty here.  There is one person that I let stay in my life even when they start their vacation plans with “I Want”.
I want to thank all the women that made me feel like I was an atm ( high school), I was trash to be dropped off (Mother/and 2 others).  That made me feel like I was a replacement part.   Place holder till something better came along.
I gave my self permission to have a life.  I gave my self permission to remove any one from my life that does not add value.  I gave my self permission to be happy.  NO ONE CAN MAKE SOME ONE ELSE HAPPY.  A person has to want to be happy.
There is a Woman in my life that I break my own rules for but that’s the great part of having a code to live buy.  You allow who comes in and who does not.  I will always love her and watch out for her.  We are just meant to live different lives.  But if my phone rings a 3am and she needs and its with in my means she will have it.  The same way If I’m hearing the voices she will put her job on hold and walk me off the ledge .
If it starts it has to end.  Sadness and depression are the same way.  The only difference is sometimes we need to get help letting go of sadness.   Depression also sometimes needs medication.  BUT THERE IS HELP ASK FOR IT.

Because That’s who I am

lost in this moment

My Brother and most of my friends are trying to get me to live in the moment.  I have never been able to do this.  Its great for the people that can, I envy them.  But I will always long for death.  To go home, I’m ok with that.  The world is not, but I’m not living for the world I’m being ME.  My heart belongs to one person.  A FRIEND is holding it in a box on a shelf for safe keeping.  I told her I wont want it back.  She said its here for when you do.  I love some one I wont see here.  I’m to blind with memories from her there.   So I will long to go home and see her there.  Now I will have many say that’s the wrong way to live.  WHO’S life is it.  I can’t live the way you do for one simple reason. I’M NOT YOU.  So yes I wear a hand grenade around my neck to pull the pin and see what’s next.  But does not mean I have to pull the pin. It means I have that option and that’s what life is about right options.  If you get board you find a new partner.  If you hate your job some one pushes you to get a new one.  So yes I want to die on a field of my choosing.  But one day death will give me a ride home. Then I will be over my wonder lust for home.  I write these for me and if you like them YeY.  IF you don’t or I have Offended you or insulted you.  That’s on you and what you did, not I.  So Gray, Red, Freya, Patti, Rebecca and Emma I thank you for getting me to this point and I will stumble a few times.  And you all will wonder what the fuck am I doing and sometimes I will wonder that my self.  But I will never get lost in this moment, oh but how I wish I could.  Its just not me.  I’m alive at the poker table, not sipping wine watching the world go pass.  I’m not a programmer, I’m a poker degenerate.  so as I look down the barrel of 50 years old half a century in this Mortal coil.  I’m starting to lose memories of why I hurt.  which is a good thing.  I know the damage I did. I know the damage they did. Neither can I fix.  Knowledge comes at a cost.  The scars you wear are the payment for what you learn.  and I have some great scars……

The Roads we travel. . .

the-roads-we-walk

My brother never changes.   His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not.  He does not talk after a death he carries on.  He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly.  After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep.  To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform.  He in a senses is my Mycroft.  The older Brother that has all the answers.  The one that guides.  I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else.  A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone.  It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more.  He is him, I am me.  Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.

Its ok we are different in many ways we are the same in many also.  We are always there when the other needs something.  He hugged me once in this life was the Strange but familiar feeling.  He is one thing to the world another in privet.  But I know that he just wants one thing.  Peace. He fights for peace.  With family and with in himself.  I know only the fight and he tries to temper my rage for even when I fall apart I do it with a violence of pend up emotion.  He just got home and I asked my 2 questions I get before he closes down.  Then its shower and the darkness of sleep.  We all have demons he keeps his beneath him as a learned man will.  I dance with my demons and fight with them.  Love two women.  Both hold my heart. One is the one I want and need, while one is the one I protect and save.  Both love me. One understands.  One never will.  I can’t live my life like my brother does.
I can pick things that work for me but I cant live someone else’s life.  Life is out there. I have hid long enough.  I know that both women love me. They always will one for who I am, one for what I do.  Its taken me life times to understand this and now I’m at peace. I  can go home to the woman I miss greatly.
My brother will be home soon also and he will camp on the front lawn and annoy my Wife.  She knows he is my Brother and like all families there are many colors to it.  from Red to gray/blue to mercury to black even greens.  We all are parts to the whole.  Family is not always who your born or hatched with.  It’s people that will always be there. what is a family? It is not always sharing blood.
Its sometimes. Just being there when there is a need or a call.  No matter how many times you burn down a tavern or forget to pay back the gold.  Use his shield to cook with. Its knowing that the other person will not ignore your call for help even if you don’t know your making the call.

When You Snap……

That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.

Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.

I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.

That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.

I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.

Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined

  • :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
  • :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
  • :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
  • :to practice fraud or trickery
  • :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
  • :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife

Emotional Cheating is Different:

  • What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.

The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.

I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……

The bill came due…

 

the-roads-we-walk

Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776.  Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician.   Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice.  It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up….  Will this push equal rights back words? Yes.  Will Racism rise up? yes…..  The issues is change was needed limping on  the way it was just did not work.   As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears.  The ruling class take notices.  The underclass will not be swept away.  It will not go quietly in to the good night.  Welcome to the brave new world.  A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice.  CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed.  dow futures down 600 points.   And 4 years to see what will happen.  Good night and good luck.  Good night chesty where ever you are….