Sometimes the pain gets to a point that you really don’t care who will be hurt or up set. Then the why did they not say anything. They tried but you where busy. They want to but they had to run.
They tell you when they text a lot or leave voice mail.
See they are reaching out because they texted or left a voice mail or text their using your love for them to get them through one more hour. They want to talk at you to prove the voices wrong.
So when you see a lot of text or voicemail their fighting the voices and it’s a bloody fight. You hear on the voice mail hey hope your having a great evening means I’m under attack. If they say they love you 37x’s the fight is getting worse…… IF this happens and its not your psychotic ex.
The first question should be “are you ok” not “what the fuck!”
Death
WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????
Finger prints we leave
“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”
What you take with you…..
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.
The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.
You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.
So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.
You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……
People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.
Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”
King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.
Conan, Movie
That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.
Dear John……..
In the time of the inter web you can reach out and touch someone at any time. This is good and bad. When me and my former ended she did it face to face, in a car a foot away from me. I was in the corp in the 80’s. The time of phones and letters. If they left you it would take time to get the letter. Now its a text on the phone, or email or skype as your on the other side of the world. I’m glad I was in then and not now. It takes a strong person to deal with that life. Both at home and in country.
If your lucky to make it home after your tour or TOURS. You have many things to deal with.
- one your Home but your different.
- your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
- If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
- Then there is the Demons in your head
- the Ghost of friends still on patrol
The list is endless. I could not live with having access to family and then put them out of my head to go get shot at. It was easier in a letter because you would not know till later.
It takes courage to break up with someone face to face. Some have it. To look into the eyes of a former love and say ” I love someone else ” or ” I cant live like this “. The words are always different but the out come is the same. “Good Bye”. I have a hard time saying those 2 words. Because its the end. If I say ” good bye ” its at a funeral or we wont meet again because I’m done have a good life. This is 90% of the time it sometimes slips out. Could be subconscious because I should walk away. That is for a different blog.
On Facebook I see pictures of peoples friends that could not deal with the memories and the Demons in their head won. Those Demons had me and they almost won a week ago. I did not care if I woke up and if you read my blog you know the story. What scared me was not being scared. 22 a day we lose to the Demons that cant be seen. They touch your heart, your sole, your whole life.
What we forget when we get out is the one basic concept that kept us alive in country. You depend on your team, your unit. But for some strange reason when we get out we forget that one simple standard. You may not like the guy next to you but that’s not part of the job. The job is you fill their body bags not you own. We get home and the team mentality is gone. Issue is you need it more now than ever. You can’t fight the Demons alone. Because you can never win a fight with your self.
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
Movie Uncommon valor
You need to own that your not the same person that left for Boot. Your not the same after any incursion you lose a little more to the Demons till you have become something different. The old you is gone and as the song says Yesterdays gone.
For years I have taken pain meds for Migraines. As I get older my body is breaking down faster. Joint pain, sciatica, Migraines, and the “HURT” that comes with the Demons.
Johnson: Red wine and uppers… that’s why we call him Sailor. He used to take a lot of red wine and uppers, and just sail away.
Charts: How come he wears that goddamned grenade around his neck?
Blaster: Sailor always said, that if life got too shitty, he’d just pull the pin and see what’s next.
Uncommon Valor
I started counseling. A former Marine reminded me you fight with a team not alone. So here we are in a fight with an enemy I can not see. But touches every part of my life. I lost 3 relationships because I tried to fight alone. One left me for a cousin. The 2nd asked for a divorce. The 3rd well that’s where this started. I still have my Demons. I’m fighting but not alone. The former still rips my ass when i’m stupid. My brother shows me a different way. Every morning I get a hello sweetie, from some-one who trust me. With as broken as I am she still trust me to watch her treasure. Her son.
The Demons wont take me. I’m saying when. I kept asking my self what will it take. what will it take for me to understand that I have the right to be happy. a message from my brother “… your a good friend/brother/person. You doin your best with what you have…”.
I’m so deep in the cave of Demons its not funny. Now I have a map. I can finally hear people calling. I’m not going lose this one. I have a bracelet I want to win.
The Letter
When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.
The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.
I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.
We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.
I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.
So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.
HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.
I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.
If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……
It hurts today
Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…
TIME DOES NOT HEAL
There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:
From a tv show but on this day it fits
Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.
Because That’s who I am
My Brother and most of my friends are trying to get me to live in the moment. I have never been able to do this. Its great for the people that can, I envy them. But I will always long for death. To go home, I’m ok with that. The world is not, but I’m not living for the world I’m being ME. My heart belongs to one person. A FRIEND is holding it in a box on a shelf for safe keeping. I told her I wont want it back. She said its here for when you do. I love some one I wont see here. I’m to blind with memories from her there. So I will long to go home and see her there. Now I will have many say that’s the wrong way to live. WHO’S life is it. I can’t live the way you do for one simple reason. I’M NOT YOU. So yes I wear a hand grenade around my neck to pull the pin and see what’s next. But does not mean I have to pull the pin. It means I have that option and that’s what life is about right options. If you get board you find a new partner. If you hate your job some one pushes you to get a new one. So yes I want to die on a field of my choosing. But one day death will give me a ride home. Then I will be over my wonder lust for home. I write these for me and if you like them YeY. IF you don’t or I have Offended you or insulted you. That’s on you and what you did, not I. So Gray, Red, Freya, Patti, Rebecca and Emma I thank you for getting me to this point and I will stumble a few times. And you all will wonder what the fuck am I doing and sometimes I will wonder that my self. But I will never get lost in this moment, oh but how I wish I could. Its just not me. I’m alive at the poker table, not sipping wine watching the world go pass. I’m not a programmer, I’m a poker degenerate. so as I look down the barrel of 50 years old half a century in this Mortal coil. I’m starting to lose memories of why I hurt. which is a good thing. I know the damage I did. I know the damage they did. Neither can I fix. Knowledge comes at a cost. The scars you wear are the payment for what you learn. and I have some great scars……
THE DREAM REMAINS THE SAME……
So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.
Many times and she is Stunning
