A year and a Day

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In a year your life can be blow up rebuild and crushed again. People will say yes when they have given up. People won’t tell you there ill’s because they don’t want to add to your issues and some will welling mean Still forget you and not help when what you really need is there help. In getting over issues. It’s gray raining and my migraine is a 12. I’m pining for  the past. I have a budding poker carrier knocking at my door and I won’t answer the door. Sometimes you hope for that friend help but they will just stand and watch. Learning to fly with a broken wing and the fear I should be careful of what I wish for I just may get it….

Fiction Chapter 2: The evil that’s within

To Valhala

Chapter 2 The evil that’s within

Kasiday made her way back to the room. She is stopped with a start,  Jamend steps from the shadows.  Evening  Kasiday he says, with no inflection or feeling. Evening Lord Jemend, the hour is late, I did not expect you to be a wake.  I don’t sleep much when Airister sleeps in places like this, he says with a sigh.  Kasiday nods understanding his reservations.  You know what your going to face tonight Kasiday? You know the verbal abuse? The physical harm that could come to you? She nods with resignation.  Why then? you have a warm safe bed not more that a short walk from here.  I will pay for a carriage for you if you like. Jamend says with a tone of sadness.  Thank you M ‘lord but being the daughter of the master at arms, does have some perks. I do thank you though.  I will spend the night with him and keep his secrets, its the least I can do.  With a raised eyebrow Jamend is confused.  Kasiday, why do you watch over him? Kasiday replies that’s a question I’m being asked a lot to night.  Airister did not soil my name the night we first met, in a manor he kept it. She regales the gray with the tail of that night 6 winters ago.  How her escort was jumped. The attackers tried to take advantage of her.  How Airister mistaking her for some one else, in a drunken and drug induced haze.  The money he gave me was for my silence over what I saw later that nigh. also for  the families of my escort.  Jemend smiled at yet again more tails of Airister’s utter lack of control with the dispersion of  his gold. A fact that most would say was a fallacy.  Jamend what is he haunted by? what are the dreams? His screams. what caused all of that.  Jamend looked out over the great room, as if looking back through the  vail of many winters. He thinks to him self, if she only knew how old they really where. Would she still ask these questions. My brother is haunted by many battles. Of many needless deaths and of the Woman. Is all he would say. Kasiday nodded and took her leave. Jamend watched her walk away.  He sighs.  He knows the screams will soon come, The sounds of breaking furniture. The sounds of verbal abuse would soon start. Wondering how much the cost would be in the morning. His thoughts are broken by A cross voice from his room. Are you coming to bed and at least trying to sleep, the female voice asked. Yes, Yes I’m coming.
As Kasiday reached the room, the paladin was out side of the room. He is mumbling words.  His hands are a glow as he touched the door.  What are you doing Kasiday asked, wonderment in her eyes.  Beg pardon M ‘lady Saberman, I had thought you had went to your room for the evening.  Well I want to. As soon as you move away from the door, Man of God. Kasiday said with an indignant tone.  But, but, but, M ‘lady you are not a Tavern girl or a girl of entertainment, why will you take his  bed?… After being asked this same question for the 3rd time this night. Her retort was cutting and meant to sting.  He is a great lover, I like it ruff, now step aside man of God.  An, Paladin what was the prayer you where doing at this door.  A simple locking ward. I have learned to lock him in and the world out. I do it every night.  Kasiday lightly touches the Paladins cheek.  Why does a Man of God do such a thing for a man the world thinks you cant stand.  With a looks as if she has slapped him, he looks up and says. M ‘lady he has saved me many times in the past and I’m sure will again in the future. He is not evil like most think, nor is he good. He is what he is.  I will help him in any way I can.  With a smile she nods and asks How do I enter the room now that you have locked it? The Paladin points to the door being a jar. It will take hold when the door is shut for the last time.  Good rest man of God. I will take tonight’s watch for every one… With a nod the Paladin turns and heads to his room.  As he walks by a curtain he stops looks down and there are the boots he knows all to well.  Draius its time to be asleep. You have stolen enough for one day.  With a wiry smile Draius looks up at the paladin. Why father, you care,  that’s so nice.. As the words left his mouth he dives for the floor… floating in mid-air he wonders what has happened.  Rodman had the thief by the cloth shirt and was now dragging him back to his room. A wave, night pretty lady was all Draius could muster as he was thrown in to his room and the door locked.
Entering the room the only light is the Image stone. There, a female vampire form floats above it. It repeats over and over again “I love you.”  Kasiday glides across the room.  Standing in the middle of the room. She drops her robe. Raising her hand, starts to chant as the wind picks up.  Her hands start to glow. With a clap of her hands, all noise stops. nothing from the out side world can be heard. No carriages, no yelling drunks.  It’s as silent as a tomb.  From out of the darkness, a blow from an unseen hand catches her across the face.  It has started. Airister is a sleep, but he is haunted, he’s looking for a fight. Kasiday looks around for any sign of movement, but there is none. A second blow, she gets hit again.  Thinking fast she mumbles a new chant, a flash goes off.  She rolls out of the way, as a chair crashes down where she once laid.  Blood dripping from her nose and cut under her eye. As the flash fades away, Airister vanishes once again into the shadows.  Thinking quickly she pleads for help from the attackers.  “Won’t some one help me”.  A calm comes to the room, the sounds of two swords are drawn. They flare, as the swords come to life. There glow reveals a figure. It’s not human.  It standing as tall as a draft horse. With silver-gray skin, scales can be made out. She crawls over to the creature, hugs it’s leg.   In a gravel voice, woman, where are these attackers??
Kasiday seams to slide between the beast’s arms, touches his face.  Airister, you need to wake. She whispers in his ear. The beast seams to sway and shake his head.  You are having night visions again, its ok.
Airister, shakes the sleep away, looks about the room. A smashed table, broken bottles and a chair in many pieces.  Then he looks at Kasiday. There he sees a bruise, the blood dripping from her face.  He hangs his head. The demons had taken his mind again. Again he was raging.  Again he had lashed out. Once again caused pain to someone only trying to help.  Walking over to his saddle bag, he pulls a bottle from it.  Hands it to Kasiday, he cant look at the woman’s face. He cant bare to see the marks left there by his hand.  She looks at the bottle, then at Airister with a confused look….
Its not poison witch… just drink it…  He heads back to his saddle bag, and pulls out a sack of coins.. as she drinks from the bottle and feels a warm glow. She feels her face tingle, the damage seems to fade. She seams to feel younger  as if a year or so has been removed.  Turning back around Airister notices the bottle he gave her. Shaking his head, he mumbles “I need to read not just grab.”  Looking again in his saddle bag.  The saddle bags, seams to know no depth. He find a second bottle with a differ writing on it. He hangs his head.  Well my dear it seams I have given you the wrong bottle, but here take this one also.  Handing her a pouch along with the other bottle, he says I will call you a carriage to take you home.
The woman stands, a gust of wind blows the curtains to reveals a curvy and buxom young woman.  Airister, where I choose to sleep is my own concern. I’m tired of MEN telling me where I can sleep. NOW, you will wash your self, then meet me in bed.  Now move.  He mumbles, a yes Ma’am. The creature glides to the water closet, washes.
Kasiday, mumbling more words. The table and chair are fixed, the bottles are swept up.  The rooms seams to have suffered no damage.  Confused Airister looks at this woman in utterly amazement.  Kasiday kissing his lips, it’s magic my shadowy scaled lover.  Now to bed and soon to sleep.  Airister was confused, then  he realized he was just told it was time to apologize,  he was just told how it would be done……
Airister walks to the window as a form known all to well hides in the curtains. Grabs Draius by the neck. Now you can go to bed in your own room and stay there, or I can chain you up, and hang you from this window. Its your choice.  Before Draius could answer. Airister, looking down at the street. Sees a full figured lady of nightly entertainment walking by. She is dejected for not finding a mate for the night.
With a shrill whistle, louder than he meant to. He trys to get the woman’s attention.  It went  unheard, she walks on.
Confused he sticks his head out the window, holding Draius by the shirt out over the street whistled again.
This time she stops and looks up. Wench do you have a place to sleep tonight? Saddly she shakes her head no.  Ask the man at the door to step out here for a moment. The thick woman returns in a moment with the front door guard.  Airister tosses down 4 coins. He says, have the lovely lady go to, {shaking Draius like a rag doll} to his room. You will post a guard. See to it that no one leaves the room.  3 coins for you and one for the guard at the door of ( again shaking Draius) his room.
The woman looking confused, looks up. You will get your 3 coins in the morning. RIGHT THIEF?  But Airister  3 coins you did not even negotiate.  Pulling the thief close, I could drop you. Better yet told her 10. Now back to your room thief.  For Goddess sake Draius, steal her nicer clothes for morning meal.  Airister drops Draius on the railing. The thief finds his way back to his room.
As Airister turns feeling the gaze of an angry woman. He turns to see a freshly powdered woman with painted lips and dark eyes.  Well is all she said and tosses her head at the bed.  Airister starts to wonder who’s the hunter and who’s the hunted….. Looking over to Kasiday. why can I not hear the street? even with the windows open? She smiles, Its a simple spell we can’t hear the outside, the outside can’t hear us.  She blows the oil lamp out.  Looks at Airister then the Image stone then at Airister. Reaching over to the image stone, its placed back in the saddle bag and the room is once again dark.
Kasiday laying close, the  feeling of scales against her skin. Airister? yes Kasiday.  Airister what are you, I mean what is it you change into. In the light you look human. In the dark or shadow you vanish.  Airister slides from the bed. Not all that open about regaling people with is heritage. The woman once again chanting a spell, Her eyes glowing this time, they seam to stop and the room goes dark. Airister sits in darkness Seeing with the clarity of day light.  Not the inferred that the Drow and other creatures of the under world used.  No his eyes where not like others. He thinks, Ok so do we tell her the whole story or just parts of it, Do I enjoy her enough to trust her or just…., She speaks again. I can see you sitting there in the dark.  Confused no one sees Him in the dark how is she.  Thinking back he remembers her glowing eyes, more magic.  I’m going to have to watch you aren’t I? He states more to him self than to her.
Airister, I asked a question. I see your not giving up, are you? Kasiday laying on her side, exposed to Goddess and all to see her shape.  My dear, your body will not make me talk more. So you can cover up. Why does it bug you.  Seeing me with out cloths covering me, I care not. He sighs and sees yet again an argument he wont win, one of the many reason he pays for his nightly companionship.  A small flame appears and the air is filled with a soft smoke.  Looking over Kasiday has a short, rolled, leaf between her fingers.   Does your Father know you indulge in Dwarven ways.
Does the world know you are a Creature not a Man in the shadows and at night? Ok Point well taken.
I’m A Dragon, Kas. It was out in the open for one more to know his secret.  Now would he later have to kill her to keep this secret or would she keep it.  Kasiday stands, Dragon look at me what do you see?  A beautiful Lass of 21 winter, I mean 23 winters. Why do you ask Kas.
She stands. Starts to shimmer, as a streak can be seen in her hair. Her skin turns black as wings  form,  fangs appear.
Airister has seen a form like this before.  Not a normal sight in the land of men, But often seen in the lower plains.  Your a Demon, he says with little tone or fear.  This does not bother you?  he laughs.  My dear. I married a Vampire. I my self a Dragon, so you being a demon. ya, not a deal breaker.  She exhales, See we all have secrets.  If you only knew Kas, if you only knew.
Do the others know about your condition.  Really, Kas, just really.  My condition,  what its a cold? A case of leprosy? Are the others special? Kas, just stop digging.    You sound silly.  The others will talk when they are ready.
In truth yes they were all special. Each in there own way.  They had human forms so they could live with humans and not draw attention to them selves.
I heard tell Of Drows Now living in the light.  They follow a kinder Goddess. The realm has changed over many thousands of winters.  Some good, some bad, but hey.
Gems, Gold, silver, copper, and platinum are still used.  Magic is still all around, it has changed but still here.  No longer can you just learn it you need to be born from it.  Or have it in your bloodline.
Airister sniffs the air. A wet dog smell is faint but grows.   With a short Snap Airister tell Kas to change back and tosses a blanket over her.
Airister is standing at the window.   Draius hides to the left of it thinking he is unnoticed.  What do you want thief You should be with your friend for the night.  Well Dragon, a look crosses Airisters face.  Draius continues. Its long into the night no one can hear.  I’m sure your bed mate knows the truth by now.
I will throw you over the edge if you do not come to a point soon.  I need to do some Info gathering.
Draius you could not find intelligence in a library.  What are you getting at.  I think we are on a fools errand, he states.
In truth If there was one thing Draius could do, was find out every ones little secrets.
Dragon, how do you know where I am all the time? You smell like a wet dog, Draius.  Humans have not the nose we do.  Oh and tell your demon lady friend her secret is safe with me. Airister sighs.  Draius  shut up and go learn things. Back by early meal.  Make sure your friend is SLEEPING, we don’t need another dead body in your room.
Stepping back in to the room, Airister looks at a very unhappy Kas.  How long was he out there for? asking in a foul tone.  Well with the wind at this time of year.  I would say about 1/4 of a candle give or take.
Look Kas, If there is one thing the Dog can do is keep secrets.  Yes he babbles, but not about this. She draws again On the weed roll and exhales. You better be right.  A fire Rages in the Dragons eyes.  Kas, I like you. I will kill, you as easy as I breathe if you question any one of my friends again, understand?  With a nod she agrees.
She has seen first hand the rage he is capable of.  Few will rip a mans chest cavity open, looking for a ring that was swallowed. She shivers. Never out side of the lower realms has she seen this rage.
Kas. yes Dragon.  You don’t have to stay in your human form at night with me.  Just keep your wings closed, ok?
She smiles and nods. He makes his way back to the bed. Sounds can be heard coming from the out side world.  Kas,.. your spell is ending, how often can you cast it.  A fanged smile appears.  As often as I like Dragon. why do you ask?
Well I want to sleep. An you can get loud, we don’t need to wake guest four rooms down, do we? No Dragon is all she says.
Drawing again on her flaming weed.  Dragon? yes Kas.  The Paladin what will he say?  Little if any thing. Why do you ask.  Well the whole Paladin/Demon thing.  OH that issue.
The Paladin has his own issues. It will be of little matter to him.
In truth it was an issue, but many winters ago.  The paladin and the hunter had a discussion about Airister’s dating habits.
An uneasy truce was reached.  Well in truth a verbal lashing from Jamend,  Really ended the issue.
The ringing of steel had disturbed the gray.  This was not done.  So he had ended their chat with a rather large electrical storm.  A man in metal armor and a man holding twin swords will listen as lightning is flashing around.

VENTING

I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives .  But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups.  So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. .  It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. .  your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine.  Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide  from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.

Will We be ok??????

Rainas DragonThere is a little girl and she has her Dragon.  The Dragon is feared by many, is unlikeable and has many scares.  The Dragon found the little girl is a place that had many wonderful things to see.  Also many nasty and horrible places also.  The little girl lived in a home that she was unloved and treated badly.  She was a slave and could see no way to be free.  The Dragon came to give the little girl strength and love.  The little girl found the courage to stand up to the troll and force him out.  As time went by the little girl grew up.  It was time for the Dragon to fly once again. So the little girl sent the Dragon away to find happiness.  The Dragon was sad  but moreover he was proud of the fact he has saved the little girl.  To give some one a chance to be free and to love is the greatest thing a Dragon could do.  The little girl still talks to the Dragon.  Still calls to him, still love the Dragon.  In time may call the Dragon home.  Till then she know she has a Dragon.

There is a Little boy scared lonely.  He finds a Vampire cold and aloof, hiding in a dark castle.  The little boy knocks and knocks till the Vampire come out to send him a way.  The little boy scared and lonely would not leave. The Vampire grows to love the little boy and has him move in.  Over time the little boy becomes bratty.  The Vampire becomes busy.  They each try to get the others attention but they each fail.  Till one day the little boy being a brat opens a window.  Sun light shines on the heart that was theirs.  The sun shatters the heart and the Vampire send the boy away.  The Boy sit out side the castle wanting to go back in.  There is another in the castle with the Vampire now.  The Vampire loves the little boy. Talks to the little boy.  But loves another boy.  So someday the little boy may go back in the castle only time will tell.  The Vampire says ” I will always love you, Little one.”  The little boy put on a brave front but once again.  He is cold and lonely and misses the days of Wine and roses. The Vampire will always be there for the little boy. But the little boy will no longer be able to hold her hand or touch her.

This is the two sides to the same story.  We all have different personas.  The Bratty boy is also the Dragon.  The Vampire is the Little Girl.  The view is different but still the same outcome.  Kiss good morning, Hug often. Talk.  A sad little boy/girl misses their Vampire/Dragon.

And from the Darkest places Kindness is found

Raina 4A DARK NIGHT MARESept1,2014 till Nov 3rd 2015

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Opening to the Radio show “the shadow”

I hate people not a person but people.  What is the different you ask.  Well people are heard animals, reactionary, with a mob mentality, a group think if you will.  A person has independent thought, Ideals, can feel and even has compassion.   The pictures above are of two woman I know. there is one is of me.  The women are all dark, gothic and breathtakingly beautiful.  Each have shown me kindness one I will never meet in person ( well one says never say never) one I dated.  They all have smiled at a stranger and lifted his hopes.  One was gliding down an escalator at Macy’s when My heart stopped.  As stated many time I’m a large ball of arrogant, harsh asshole, with a thin candy coating of charming. The last picture is of me from Sept. 1st 2014 till now Nov. 3rd 2015   I have lost 18 inches and 78 pounds. .   I would grow it all back if I could go back in time for 24 hours and tell MYSELF what the future holds for him.  That would be me being kind to my self.  I still call my self a Fat man,  I tell my self I’m stupid for what I have done. I’m a loser for losing Raina the best thing I ever had.  Hell I could bring my self up on charges for slander. If I was Married to my self I could get a divorce for verbal abuse.  The woman in the pictures have shown more kindness than I have shown my self. For full disclosure one will from time to time say ” that’s great But you still…. ” it’s a left-handed compliment that she is working on stopping.   Kali Noir Diamond a gothic model that have every right to just say “thank you” and never give it a second thought.  What she did, chatted, smiled and gave a kind word to a strange. The Beautiful woman at Macy’s did not have to have lunch with me but she did.  She did not have to invite me to make a life with her but she did.  All acts of kindness to a person that self-abuse.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Dragon knows!”,

I’m trying hard to stop but I fail. .  a lot . .  I keep trying. . I have started telling friends to stop with the negative help also. .  when I want to think about what if I had done this different….. LET ME for a  min it lessens the pain.. Don’t keep hammering home will did you ever think your meant to be here now so you can grow. .  Yes I think of that often.  So from the Darkest places of the Goth world Three Gothic woman bent over to make an wounded Dragon smile and stand back up.

In plain site for no one see’s the shadows

Waiting

Dragon where have been all my life?

The Dragon’s reply…In plain site for no one see’s the shadows…..

A Dragon of the shadows sits on a wall staring at the full moon. Mumbles “I wonder if she sees the same moon as I do from her distant land???” He still mourns the death a tiny cry echo’s against the stone of the castle walls.  A scream is heard from time to time.  A petulant rant form a scared little boy.   Raymond screams “The dreams scare me the ghost keep me awake.” Raymond’s rant is never-ending ” The Dragon GOD that thinks of no one but him self…”. The child’s words cut at him cut deeper than any sword ever could.  The touch that would quell the child is no longer here.  As the Dagon is lost with voices and echo’s he does not here the approach of second Dragon A indigo blue mountain dragon.   The mountain Dragon Speaks ” So will this be a long painful morning, you could just kill your self or better yet you could take what you learned and Live. You need to make a choice because you can’t do all three”  and silently wings away.   The Shadow Dragon whispers ” I truly hate you”.  The mountain Dragon circles and roars back ” I know’  that’s why we are always there for each other.   The Shadow Dragon taps a Claw thinking.  Looks at the moon again. A tear rolls down his cheek.  And off in the distance is a dark light messages are dropped and sent back.  maybe its time to see what’s out there.  A Shade of beauty and change.   They say they like the Dragon. Want to message the Dragon and maybe talk to the Dragon. .  and the winters chill seems to break a little.  A slight smile can be seen on the Dragon face.  Till the screams and voices and echo’s return but they seem not as loud………………..

A DARK NIGHT MARE

Why do Dragon’s Tears burn like acid you ask

the hurting

For too long now, there were secrets in my mind
For too long now, there were things I should have said
In the darkness…I was stumbling for the door
To find a reason – to find the time, the place, the hour

Waiting for the winter sun, and the cold light of day

The Tears of the Dragon – Bruce Dickinson

Dragons tears. . . burn like acid why you will ask…  There is a myth that all dragons breathe fire this is not true.  Are breath does burn but not all is fire.  Great reds bellow fourth fire. Black dragons and Shadow dragons exhale poison that burns the eyes skin and lungs.  Blue and Mountain dragons discharge great bolts of lightning that burn also.  and the Icy and White dragons breath a blast of cold that will burn with a bitter cold to name a few…..

The tears of a dragon are always an acid that is the poison we revive on a daily hourly minutely bases.  Creatures look at us and marvel at the size the power the strength.  The words and weapons used against us do little to the ancient ones scar the old and will cut and harm the young and adolescent.  To become ancient you have taking all the slings and arrows and absorbed them and melted theme down and the words you here becomes the catalyst to make the acid for the tear.  We hear all the words, we remember all the hate, the anger against us. The hurt and hate that we cause echoing in our hearts minds and ears.  and it becomes an acid the can not be counter acted it is worse than any acid man can conceive.  Druids rage against us, Elves tread gently near us humans fear us and vampires mistrust us (some love us)((some both at the same time)). So when the tears of a dragon fall do your best to stay clear.  For the acid is so strong its been known to dissolve the strong bonds of all Love and Friendship.  In very small amounts

You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion

rise_of_the_shadow_dragon female-vampire-art-vampire-hunter

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote

There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire.  My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em.  I hear things like..

” You need to just walk away..”  You need to cut all ties”  “You are  just slowing your progress…”  “you’re only hurting your self”

Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement.  I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen.  Bad marriages, The Corp.  I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares,  I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).

….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message.  I could have a life.  I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD.  Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal.  Funny thing we became friends.  What do you know.  As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves.  It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought.  I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do.  I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between.  See they make up my window unto my world.  I thank them, but they’re not me.  I will listen and see their side, their point of view.  I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine.  My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want.  With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss.  Is that so wrong?  I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help.  So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.

The Cure

The cure

I miss my friend.  Four small words. what do they  mean? What pain does it hide? How deep are the scars?  Why are they gone?  All really good question.  At the end of the day they all matter very little.  You miss them.  over done next.  STOP  just stop.  Don’t gloss over it.  It will fester and grow.  One day you will sit alone and scream I MISS TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How would I know?  I just did it, I just screamed I want to call her, text her.   I told her I can’t talk to her for a while..  So its my cure I guess. The cure is worse than the disease.  When did wanting someone in your life a disease.  Well any one? any one at all?

….. When the sound of their voice makes you angry.  When you ask and they give their word and they “forget”.  When you forget there is a world around you.  Bruce Lee  quote

“Its like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

That is what I was doing. Pavlov’s Dog.  A beep, ding or “rock show” goes off you have to stop what you’re doing and read.   I would stop eating, studying, or wake up at 3am to look and see what I missed.   So now its Monday 2 days from when I said  could not talk to her.  I have learned a few things.  One I like her in my life.  I like talking to her.  I like the way her voice can calm me when I’m ready to hurt things my self my growth.  I like the child like view she has of the world the wonder in her eyes.  That’s why I was with her.  She was my world and I forgot that.  There is a poker saying “Stupidity is Expensive”. Cost me my world the love of a great woman my home and my dogs.  Second poker saying “Learn form some one else mistakes it will save your bank roll”.  They can be looked at the same way but they should not.  both are learning.  One is watching one is doing.  My brother form a distant mother learned from my mistakes  he is further along mending fences than I am.  Good for him Mother will be proud of him. As for my self.  Oct  29th I will send an email early in the Week and ask for a chat at lunch.  Its one of our Holy times of year.  In some ways it’s the end of one year with the day of the dead to follow.  So it will be a good start.  We will see how it goes.  All forms of a cure for a disease.