The Letter

the Letter
When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.
The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.
I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.
We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.
I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.
So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.

HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.

I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.
If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……

The  zen moment in the halls of Xanado

Ok where to star 5:29 am and im having one of those what 

if moment’s.  Conversations with Stan Lee, Neil Degrossy, and Sammy Hagar talking reality hopping. 

Then it’s water jets just moving over my body.  The body has this vibration.  Very Fringe tv show vibrations.  And the next thing is you have reality hopping.   Yes I will get comments.  It’s my blog  deal or don’t. Step up or step aside I don’t hurt so… 

It hurts today

Hurt

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…

HG WELLS the time Machine 

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

  • What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

    • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.

Yes I can be that guy

Let me tell you about an amazing woman.  She has a style and grace all to her self.  He has had a ruff life two men that abused her and she took it.  I won’t writes about sins of others it’s not my place.  I have PTSD and a few other Mental illness that I have stated in past blogs.
I also abused her.  Never wanted to hear about her growing up and then when we would fight I would always teller her Shut the fuck up before the fight gets worse.
And with her style and grace she would inhale nod and turn quiet.  I broke her heart 4 times and on the 4th there was nothing left.  So she fell in love with a man that treated her with Kindness respect and caring I use to.
When we started she got all the Candy as she would call it and as time went on I got worse.  To the point that she would not want to be near me when I was. To be honest, well most of the time she would try and I would wall.
But through all of that She stayed my friend she staid by my side as a friend.  I recently had a ruff patch and she was there on the phone to say kind words and hold my hand.
A woman that had every right to say go fuck your self you bastard. Would take my calls and with the voice will care and love from the past let me talk and let me be with her at least in my mind as I closed my eyes and was back in the garden with  the morning glories and the dogs running free.  She took all my venom and spite but still cut out time for me when I needed her.  
I wish I was smart enough to understand what I had when I was there.  But maybe that was the lesson that I needed.  I saved her once she saves me when ever I call.  Her husband calls her an Angel.  No she is more  oh so much more…….

TIME DOES NOT HEAL

There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:

From a tv show but on this day it fits

Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.

tumblr_ hurt less

Lets make it Buddy check any day

Buddy check

October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.