Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?
I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

The monster’s of the past…

 

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You’re that guy huh… you’re a hardcore lover and friend. You would go to the ends of the earth for someone if it meant showing them how much you care. But are you really? I mean you say it but do you show it? You aren’t the type to spend your entire life showing others just how much you care about them. Because your broken!!!! You’re use to getting dropped off to other people like trash at the dump. Then when they would come see you like your a display at a zoo. Then on sundays they leave. If your my mom you waits till i’m busy, then sneaks away so she wont have to deal with the emotions.

You’ll fight tooth and nail for every relationship you have. In hopes that it will replace the feeling you had when you where 6 years old as your mom drives away with out a word. Now if you have to compromise you are just can’t do it. You want others to know that you would die for a friend but you won’t live for them (metaphorically).

YOU know that friendships and relationships take effort, but if all you’re living for is thier validation and love. Then it isn’t worth it? Many people mistake your devotion to infatuation or obsession, but all you want just once is to know that you do, in fact, believe it or not have limits to your love.

Fair is a place they judge farm Animals………no place else is fair

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I have my medical pot license. I buy the candies they last longer. I sometimes pet my dog who is under a year old. I cry because its one of the last times I will pet her till the last time. that’s one thing PTSD and Depression take away. It takes the good days. It takes the fun ugly days. Like changing clothes in the parking lot of Hershey park. No you see the Sad the end the this is one of the last times. On Dr Who they had this saying Every Christmas is last Christmas. Ptsd and depression take the happy and now away.
Sativa is said to make people giggle and feel euphoric. I will feel numb and even cry. So I lost the joy, the Giggle, the stupid funny. So the past 2 day I have lived on Sativa candy and Energy Drinks. Yes normal for a 50 your old man. So today I upped the dose of Sativa. What did I find. I found the edge. That place where the talk is not where is the funions to “dude what’s it all mean any way”. This was not my intent but some of the worlds best discovery’s came from, ” Oh ya, Here hold this…”. Thus we have what we have so ya its all hitting me now and ya. So we now know where the deep end of the pool is. Its not fair I have depression the ptsd that was a side effect. But here we are stoned like a biblical whore. Still feeling sad and numb. Its a victory now I have numb not pain. See a step up and all I had to do was hit the candy. The whispers are a sleep, the demons are away. There is only numb. I had to thing slam me in the chest this week. I woman I use to say mean things to and treated poorly said I was a good man just broken. My Brother saying he is proud of me for fighting my Depression. Both I hear other say, but I don’t see it. I see the sad the this is one less time I will do this… Yes its life and no one gets out a live. There is not one Hurst with a luggage rack. So its not Fair. But at least one thing that we cling to…HOPE…..

The Letter

the Letter
When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.
The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.
I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.
We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.
I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.

So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.

HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.

I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.
If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……

The  zen moment in the halls of Xanado

Ok where to star 5:29 am and im having one of those what 

if moment’s.  Conversations with Stan Lee, Neil Degrossy, and Sammy Hagar talking reality hopping. 

Then it’s water jets just moving over my body.  The body has this vibration.  Very Fringe tv show vibrations.  And the next thing is you have reality hopping.   Yes I will get comments.  It’s my blog  deal or don’t. Step up or step aside I don’t hurt so… 

It hurts today

Hurt

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…

HG WELLS the time Machine 

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

  • What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

    • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.