WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..

All we should

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….

Im not the Hero

Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one day

You see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same

 Shinedown- Special

When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold.  When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives.  You start to see targets not people.  You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them).  You start longing for the grave.  The silence, the end of the pain.  The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch.  Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts.  All are damaged to a point.  They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad.  The horrors of the underside of life.  It changes all of them.  Some never show it.  But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted.   The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t.  Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area.  If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short.  You die a little inside.  You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago.  Eating chow with them.  Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time.  Them missing moms biscuits.   You remember their dreams for post combat.  How they have plan and dreams and families.  After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families.  And that YOU took them from their families.  You played god you ended their time here.  You had them throw off there mortal coils.  You now have that albatross around your neck.  You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one.  If they can take the nights you cant sleep.  The nights you ghost the house.  The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming.  All this goes through your head.   You worry that if you love them can they love you.  With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times.  So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away.  You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged.   I’m there now.  Do I let people in or keep them out.  I know the truth I should just let them decide.  Ya that is one thing I need to learn.  A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied.  See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit.  I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine.  I’m learning  that.

Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it.  Sometimes it just is what it is.  In poker your always told to trust your gut.  Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong.  To be able to let someone in to your life.  You  need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you.  No one can make someone else happy.  You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy.  Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.

Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

get-backup

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.
As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.
      • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……

so_long_fish

I need a new part with new lines
Anything if it’s good for your head
You can donate your heart to science
But it won’t bring you back from the dead
I got a feeling that I can’t let go
………
Can’t Let Go – by – Caught A Ghost
Why is Good Bye so hard to say. Most people say it every day. Some of us see it as a permanent end to something. Its said at graves. Its said at hospital beds. It’s even said sometimes when you know its a one way trip in a helo.
BRUTUS
to return to Rome in chains. My mind is too great for that. But today, the work that March 15th began must end, and I don’t know if we’ll meet again. Therefore, accept my everlasting farewell. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we meet again, then we’ll smile. If not, then this parting was well done.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we meet again, then we’ll smile indeed. If not, it’s true, this parting was well done.
BRUTUS
Well, lead on. Oh, I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!
that’s the modern version But it means the same. Good Bye, we will not cross again. BUT even if they did they would not be the same. See some times when you say Good Bye, it’s some times to a time period in your life.
I called my former girlfriend and said goodbye. We talked for a few minutes. we said we loved each other and yes it was time for goodbye. She once made me a vow she kept. It hurt her and in truth was hurting me but she kept it. She promised even though we where not dating she would not leave me we could talk. She kept that vow even to both of our detriments. She said you (I) would have to be the one to leave. So I said Good Bye. You can’t live in the now tied to the past. Demons find a way to use this against you.
Will we talk again who knows. IF we do it will not be as former lovers it will be as friends so in a way this Good Bye was to a time in my life. She is a great person. We are meant for different lives. It was never going to be for a long time but it was a good time. As the fog of anger lifts and the winds of time blow off the clouds of hate. It shows the day we changed clothes in a parking lot after getting soaked. Her putting her foot in fresh paint. The day we got our fur baby. All the concerts. How I would dedicate Blink-182 rock show to her to see that irritated smile. Those are good memories I had forgotten until I said Good Bye. The day will end and then the end be known. So now we start to heal and to move forward. It’s ok to look back but you can never GO back.
She is happy and I now have the same chance. As I got off of a Dental table after a 2 hour session. After all my teeth had been drilled, with the infections and rot removed. I felt like it was the first day in this body. because in a way it was. I was new I was whole I did not have this poison in and around me anymore. I see life differently I see as Louis Armstrong say a wonderful world. Even on a rainy day like today. Rain washes its cleans and cleanses. So , lead on. …., I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

What you take with you…..

mark-twain- 20 years
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.
The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.
You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.
So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.
You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……
People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.
Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”
King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.
Conan, Movie
That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.

Dear John……..

Death smiles

In the time of the inter web you can reach out and touch someone at any time.  This is good and bad.  When me and my former ended she did it face to face, in a car a foot away from me.  I was in the corp in the 80’s.  The time of phones and letters.  If they left you it would take time to get the letter.  Now its a text on the phone, or email or skype as your on the other side of the world.  I’m glad I was in then and not now.  It takes a strong person to deal with that life.  Both at home and in country.
If your lucky to make it home after your tour or TOURS.  You have many things to deal with.
  • one your Home but your different.
  • your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
  • If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
  • Then there is the Demons in your head
  • the Ghost of friends still on patrol
The list is endless.  I could not live with having access to family and then put them out of my head to go get shot at.  It was easier in a letter because you would not know till later.
It takes courage to break up with someone face to face.  Some have it.  To look into the eyes of a former love and say ” I love someone else ” or ” I cant live like this “.  The words are always different but the out come is the same. “Good Bye”.  I have a hard time saying those 2 words.  Because its the end.  If I say ” good bye ”  its at a funeral or we wont meet again because I’m done have a good life.  This is 90% of the time it sometimes slips out.  Could be subconscious because I should walk away.  That is for a different blog.
On Facebook I see pictures of peoples friends that could not deal with the memories and the Demons in their head  won.  Those Demons had me and they almost won a week ago.  I did not care if I woke up and if you read my blog you know the story.  What scared me was not being scared.  22 a day we lose to the Demons that cant be seen.  They touch your heart, your sole, your whole life.
What we forget when we get out is the one basic concept that kept us alive in country.  You depend on your team, your unit.  But for some strange reason when we get out we forget that one simple standard.  You may not like the guy next to you but that’s not part of the job.  The job is you fill their body bags not you own.  We get home and the team mentality is gone.  Issue is you need it more now than ever.   You can’t fight the Demons alone.  Because you can never win a fight with your self.
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
Movie Uncommon valor
You need to own that your not the same person that left for Boot.  Your not the same after any incursion you lose a little more to the Demons till you have become something different.  The old you is gone and as the song says Yesterdays gone.
For years I have taken pain meds for Migraines.  As I get older my body is breaking down faster.  Joint pain, sciatica, Migraines, and the “HURT” that comes with the Demons.
Johnson: Red wine and uppers… that’s why we call him Sailor. He used to take a lot of red wine and uppers, and just sail away.
Charts: How come he wears that goddamned grenade around his neck?
Blaster: Sailor always said, that if life got too shitty, he’d just pull the pin and see what’s next.
Uncommon Valor
I started counseling.  A former Marine reminded me you fight with a team not alone.  So here we are in a fight with an enemy I can not see.  But touches every part of my life.  I lost 3 relationships because I tried to fight alone.  One left me for a cousin.  The 2nd asked for a divorce.  The 3rd well that’s where this started.  I still have my Demons.  I’m fighting but not alone.  The former still rips my ass when i’m stupid.  My brother shows me a different way.  Every morning I get a hello sweetie, from some-one who trust me.  With as broken as I am she still trust me to watch her treasure.  Her son.
The Demons wont take me.  I’m saying when.  I kept asking my self what will it take. what will it take for me to understand that I have the right to be happy.  a message from my brother “… your a good friend/brother/person. You doin your best with what you have…”.
I’m so deep in the cave of Demons its not funny.  Now I have a map.  I can finally hear people calling.  I’m not going lose this one.  I have a bracelet I want to win.

Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?
I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

The monster’s of the past…

 

Screenshot_20180317-200208.jpg

You’re that guy huh… you’re a hardcore lover and friend. You would go to the ends of the earth for someone if it meant showing them how much you care. But are you really? I mean you say it but do you show it? You aren’t the type to spend your entire life showing others just how much you care about them. Because your broken!!!! You’re use to getting dropped off to other people like trash at the dump. Then when they would come see you like your a display at a zoo. Then on sundays they leave. If your my mom you waits till i’m busy, then sneaks away so she wont have to deal with the emotions.

You’ll fight tooth and nail for every relationship you have. In hopes that it will replace the feeling you had when you where 6 years old as your mom drives away with out a word. Now if you have to compromise you are just can’t do it. You want others to know that you would die for a friend but you won’t live for them (metaphorically).

YOU know that friendships and relationships take effort, but if all you’re living for is thier validation and love. Then it isn’t worth it? Many people mistake your devotion to infatuation or obsession, but all you want just once is to know that you do, in fact, believe it or not have limits to your love.