The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi
It’s time to find my armor again.  I lost my old armor.  It no longer fit.  It was full of holes, tattered, and mismatched.  I was coming out of a unhealthy marriage of 17 years.  I was running with a bad crowd and living on pain meds.  I had to make a choice to take a chance and live or stay and see how dark it would get.
A friend found me and had me live in their attic.  I found someone and fell in love and moved in.  The cost was my armor.  The armor covers open wounds.  Cuts that would not heal, that oozed icker that had a truly foul smell.  Scars and marks from where I had out grown the armor.
It’s now time to find my new armor.  To enter the war that is life you need an armor.  Some can get through it with a jerkin and a light vest.  Some need gothic plate armor that is more a show of opulence and protection.  Protects them from life.  So these people feel nothing and say it’s a deities will, or fate.
Karma is a fickle Mistress she does not forgive or forget.  I have paid for my crimes against Her.  Others are having her move in and settle down for a while.
None of this is for me to bare and or take upon my self.  I need some type of armor.  My choice of armor is leather and chain.  This is lightweight but still offers protection.  We all need protection from the acid, slings, arrows and blows that life will deliver.
A fool thinks they need no armor.  We all need some type of protection.  There is one that will forever be able to fine the weak spots in the armor.  I know theirs.  I can not be slowed by the passing glances that life throws my way.  The forget to reply.  The missed phone calls.  Life is not for the weak and no one gets out alive.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  It all boils down to the same thing.  To live is to fight.  To fight does not always mean to hit someone.  It means get up in the morning 15 minutes early if you have to, To finish up making lunch.  To finish that load of dishes.  When you cant fight, your armor will protect you for the time you need.
Life is a contact sport.  I tried to hide in a hole.  It still found me.  If you decide not to partake, you still are. You just let it making the choices not you.  So yes it’s time for me to once more go into the breach.  Yes life will kill me it does it to every one but its better to go down swinging than to die scared under the bed.
The road we walk has Demon’s under them. Mine have waited along time for me to come out and walk the road.  Who am I to deny them. Or myself of the fight.  So yes its time for me to find new armor.  Not to live on Caffeine, Animosity, and Anger. But to use what I have learned and start again.  Its not the destination its the journey.  The sights along the way. This is what you regale your friends with at home or the bar.  Life is meant to be experienced not hidden from. 

TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

LIFE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE….

no-one-gets-out

You can have the sound of a thousand voices calling your name.  You can have the light of the world blind you, bathe you in grace.  But I don’t see so easily what you hold in your hands.  Cause castles crumble, kingdoms fall and turn into sand.
You can be an angel of mercy or give into hate.  You can try to buy it just like it every other careless mistake.  How do you justify I’m mystified by the ways of your heart.  With a million lies the truth will rise to tear you apart.
No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.  The one thing you leave behind.  Is how did you love, how did you love?  It’s not what you believe; those prayers will make you bleed.  But while you’re on your knees.  How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?
Shinedown ” How do you love”
Life is not for the weak. No one gets out alive.  Very morbid and dark views.  As a friend tells me every day some truths are universal.  People do things with out thinking.  They do things that to them seams smart and a good choice.  If they step back and look at it from both sides its really kinda shitty.   Winter is setting in and I watch as some of my facebook friends lives are changing.  Some are getting a new home after working 20 hours a day.  The Pictures of Lexi on the top are of her changing her look because fuck it why not.
  • Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
Something happened to me earlier this week no I wont go into it but it was like really.  I have mental issues and something will cause my alter ego come out.  Its drastic changes and surprises.  Well a friend tossed a hand grenade at me I nicely sent it back.  Is what it is their life is going side ways.
So I spent a few days looking at it and what I cam up with is this.  People will act or react with out thinking.  we all do it.  I will make you pay for a long time for a non thinking comment.  A pound of flesh is it right? No. But ya I do it.  Broad brush  statement in 3. 2. 1.  Some women will say nothing is wrong for weeks till you drag it out of them.  Sorry I played that gave for 25 years with 2 different people, not doing it any more.  Tell me or let it go, you holding on to it and it festering only makes it worse.
Hurt feelings are an infection that will poison things.  Friendships, Lover, work, even family.   Talk about it or let it go.   DONT CALL AND SAY “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” If you think you see an anomaly.  ASK.  If your feelings are hurt say something.
Look people again, NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE.  Some think you get reincarnated. Some know they have lived other lives.  Science says that the universe expands and contracts and you do this over and over.
Life is lets say 80 years.  The first 40 we try so hard to get ahead.  Then the last 40 we have regrets of I should have.
I met some one coming off the escalators at Macy’s.  She changed my life for bad and for GOOD.  But I had to take the chance to meet her.  To take a ride to PA to meet dear friends.   Do I have regrets? HELL YES.  I lost 20 years in a bad marriage.  We both were not good for each other.  thank who ever are son was not fucked up for life.  Here is the rub.
IF you did not make the choices you made, you would not be here today with that special some one.   let that sink in.  All the fights, bad dates.  The shit jobs, bad days and yes wrong choices have lead you to this place.
The skein of your life may have been woven along time ago.  but the choices you make are all part of that tapestry.
The reds from the blood spilled.  The deep blues the sad times.  The greens from all your envious actions.  The black all your anger.  But the absences of color is black. All the colors make white.  So you need all the colors in your tapestry.  Die with few regrets.  you will have some.  The person you should have asked out.  The job you should have taken.  The right turn when you went left.
No one gets out alive.  So make your life.  I’m playing poker and I’m good at it.  Lexi is starting to model.  Others as I said have worked 20 hours to make a life for her kids.  Every day is do or die.  Even a day spent healing is a victory.
So what are you going to do.  Vikings want to die in battle.  Some want to die in their sleep.  Some want to live so safe that nothing happens.  Riddle me this and riddle me that…..  Is a life UN-lived a life well lived or missed?

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

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It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

She use to get all the candy…

This is where I will lose readers.  But this is for me not them so here goes.   I’m in love with 2 woman.  YES I see the numbers drop as I lead off with this.   One woman is some one that I have not seen in more years that one can count out loud.  She is pale tall dark hair and has a grace and power not often seen.  Her touch is cold.  Her gaze is hard and piercing.  Her tongue is sharp but has a velvet touch.  The kind of woman that can call you rude, fat, obnoxious and you would smile and nod.  She can also convey her utter displeasure and you would apologies with no hard feelings.

The other woman. ( the one that use to get all the candy).  Has a beauty she does not share easy.  I depth she her self has never dared to delve in to its depth.  She has a cold aloof demeanor.  She weald power sometimes with the understanding of a queen and then that of a petulant 6 year old.  Her eyes are haunted by the wrongs done unto her.  Her speech is unfiltered 75% of the time.  But if you can get past this.  There is a love seldom seen. She has built wall  around walls and there is a price of admission to get past each wall.

I love both women deeply.

One brings out the best in me and I have won battles that most have sought imposable.

The other brings out the Dark Dragon.  I vial creature that does not care what it takes, but will leave scorched earth in its wake to protect her.   The issue is that this beast will also turn on her and will return the hurt received 10 fold.  Yes even to the woman he is protecting.  He will be nasty and hurtful and uncaring.   He will not care about her past.  He wont let her reminisce of her past happiness.

This 2nd woman would get all the candy, for a time.  Then the 2nd woman would mess up and the Dark Dragon would start to turn on her.  It would be small slights at first.  But over time they would get harsher and crueler.  Then the time comes to protect the woman and the beast would be ready to level cities in her defense.   The issues is now he is in a Dark blind rage.  And would turn on the woman and destroy the love they shared.  The 2nd woman’s only defense against this is to release the beast.  Drive it off with any means she could.  But secretly cry about it.  She still loves the Dragon but the beast can no longer be with her.  See he is dying, He cant fly the hate and hurt is killing it.  So to save the Dragon she has to make it leave to heal.

The First woman has seen this from a distance for a long time and it pains her.  Its a ying and yang ideal.  Perspective in some cases.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  Is the underlining sentiment of all of my blogs.   The truth is Both woman are part of the Dragon’s life.  The love is deep and strong with both and no matter who or what tells the Dragon that the 2nd woman is not good for him.  He knows the truth.  They both bring out the best in him just one is the Dark best and the other is the Light best.

That is the true nature of a Dragon of Shadows he has no true nature.  He is chaos, he is the light in the bitch black, Or the Dark spot in a bright day.

My best friend one of my brothers. Some people see him as in essence A blue Dragon.  I call him Gray.  For he is my moral compass.  From where I stand he is neutral. A Gray Dragon on a gray Mountain over looking a gray sea with a gray sky reaching the sea below.  Perspective.  We all have it and that’s why mine is mine yours is yours.

I will return to the first Woman.  If I was Sherlock Homes she would be The Woman.  But the 2nd woman I will always love.  Will always rescue if she needs it and will stay for a time, but will leave when things are calm.  They both Bring out the best.  But perspective says its the worst.  History is written by the winners.  In the end most of us are all Good and Bad at the same time.  Example.  You give a homeless man 10 bucks That’s  good of you some will say.  Some will say its bad you have just paid for his vice ( drug of choice )  Whos right.  Both and neither.

My friends will read this and I hope get a better understanding OF ME the Dragon of Shadows.

I can be the nastiest creature on the face of the earth using any weapon at hand to win.

I can be the one making coffee, sneaking you wine after work on a bad day.  The one giving treats to kids when they where told no candy.

  • I was in the USMC and I remember what my Drill would pound into us. ” your first last and always job is to go home”  and he meant alive. 

This is everyone’s goal to make it home after work, a trip, going to the store.  we all want to go home.

The two woman in my life both are needed for they both are my Light and Dark.  My Valkyrie, and My Vampire.  One I will always return home to and one I will visit when she need me.

To push or to stand pat

mental

I have mental illness.  I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt.  Its a strain on all my relationships.  Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand.   You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds.  You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone.  I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game.   One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game.  Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness.  I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet.  I call it I cave up like Dragons do.  I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament.  That with time and study and coaching I have improved.  Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why.  Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home.  But this time is different I see the tendencies.  I see the pattern.  I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but  the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in.  I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.

The April showers

yesterday_is_history-35189

What is time.  Its a unit of measurement that humans made up so that every thing did / does not all happen at one moment.  Meaning there would be no war of 1812 because there would be no Years, Months, Weeks, Day, hours or even seconds.  There would just be the “now” and every thing happens “now”, when is now? It cant be then.  Because now is now well now and then would never be.  The poem Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the mystery. Today is the present that is why its a gift.  April is a month that I will dread for there are fixed moments in time.  April 17th the day when people stated there want to be with each other even if one was already with some one. April 19th and the windows where open. Last but not least April 22.  Because forever and always never to be left behind magically changed to I can’t because I don’t love you any more.  Truth be told I did not love me any more either. So here we are she happy and full of love and joy.  I’m bitter alone healing and finding my way in the world.  I’m cold and alone she says she could be alone but has not for a very long time.  I start a poker career Saturday. Win or lose once more in to the breach I dive.  Live with very little net.  She is find a warm hug, a glass of wine and wet doggie kisses.  I will find loneliness, fear and uncertainty.  Once is an accident. When it happens twice its a pattern.  My Vampire her Dragon.  One knows not what happens at this weeks end  it suffices that the week will end and the end be known.  LY My Vampire.

A LONG RIDE

Past
It was a warm Saturday. Sun was shining I made coffee looked around grabbed my backpack and we headed for the car. Hugged the kids. walked to the car I was going to dive for the first part. I opened the car door and I looked up at two sad puppy faces I would not see again. closed the door and started the drive from New Jersey to an Armory in Mass. Was not shipping out per say, was a hand off of sorts. It was THAT day the day on the calendar one picked by me 5 months to get ready but you never are. We drove in silence for most of the ride not because of hatred but because of pain. It was the last ride. The death of lovers ride. The ride you think never happens but it does. We switch 2 hours in to the ride. I pound a Nos she gets a coke. ” need any thing else?” “nope I’m good not really hungry…” back in the car. Salience. slight chit chat promises of I will check up on you tell him I will email. I smile say I will but it wont happen. People get busy life happens the sands of time flow and trails get lost. I start a fight over some useless over talked menusha that was beaten to death. ” NOW, NOW you start really fuck are you doing…” Ya what was I doing a scared animal in a cage going to be left off not knowing what was going to happen. back to silence a tear here and there 5 year and a hand full of months the last 5 an exercise in pain and healing regret and remorse. Seeing all the wrong turns all the misses I love you, Missed thankyou’s . At a red light I look over she looks ahead eyes red. She is in love with someone else the Message pops up on the calendar love of my life shows up in 2 days. silence again. We turn in to the Amory. There with a smile I know I have see through out time with a look in his eyes that says again we ride. the car is unpacked and placed in a Jeep. Trunk closed, jeep closed. “you two need a Min” yes 6 years to be summed up in a short walk. Under a tree on a beautiful Saturday after noon. A good bye 5 months in the making. Walk to the car. A hug, a closed door, window open A kiss on the palm a good bye. A pull out and she starts to drive a way as she turns the corner, she stops. No she has not changed her mind it was a Slowdown a stop to show she hurt like I did and was sad also. Jeeps doors close.
A long road ahead.

The Little things…….

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When you break up with someone most times its large events or the lost of intimacy,  Trust or even friend ship.  Most times what causes this is the little things the missed morning kisses hugs.  The not wanting to here about their day.  Not wanting to here about their past.  so what you lose is not just the past and the present.  the worst is when you lose all the future the wonder in their eyes when they see things they enjoy.  Like architecture and photography.  You miss the wonder in their eyes as they see things.  So when someone says don’t sweat the little things Fuck them Sweat the little things the holding of hands the morning Kisses hugs the moment on how was your day and every now and then look at them and their eyes and marvel at the dance they do the sparkle they have and always  Look for the joy in their eyes when they see you.  I forgot to do this I did every thing wrong on my side I did not listen help encourage give morning hugs or kisses.  I did not ask about their day.  Now I’m starting a carrier on playing cards and reading people I’m pretty good at it.  If I’m so fucking good at it how did I not read her.  because we all get complacent and for get the important things in our lives.  Its like when someone dies we all have regrets.  That regret is we never take time to show them we love them.  We enjoy them.  We like having them around in assents we love them.  I have made peace with what I have done that does not mean I have forgotten what I have done.  Again when someone says don’t sweat the small stuff . FUCK THEM sweat the small stuff don’t miss a morning hug or a Kiss.   Its really hard I write this because she reads this and may follow what I’m saying.  I wish her happiness even at the cost of mine…