Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
- Shock And Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
- Testing and Reconstruction
This is where I will lose readers. But this is for me not them so here goes. I’m in love with 2 woman. YES I see the numbers drop as I lead off with this. One woman is some one that I have not seen in more years that one can count out loud. She is pale tall dark hair and has a grace and power not often seen. Her touch is cold. Her gaze is hard and piercing. Her tongue is sharp but has a velvet touch. The kind of woman that can call you rude, fat, obnoxious and you would smile and nod. She can also convey her utter displeasure and you would apologies with no hard feelings.
The other woman. ( the one that use to get all the candy). Has a beauty she does not share easy. I depth she her self has never dared to delve in to its depth. She has a cold aloof demeanor. She weald power sometimes with the understanding of a queen and then that of a petulant 6 year old. Her eyes are haunted by the wrongs done unto her. Her speech is unfiltered 75% of the time. But if you can get past this. There is a love seldom seen. She has built wall around walls and there is a price of admission to get past each wall.
I love both women deeply.
One brings out the best in me and I have won battles that most have sought imposable.
The other brings out the Dark Dragon. I vial creature that does not care what it takes, but will leave scorched earth in its wake to protect her. The issue is that this beast will also turn on her and will return the hurt received 10 fold. Yes even to the woman he is protecting. He will be nasty and hurtful and uncaring. He will not care about her past. He wont let her reminisce of her past happiness.
This 2nd woman would get all the candy, for a time. Then the 2nd woman would mess up and the Dark Dragon would start to turn on her. It would be small slights at first. But over time they would get harsher and crueler. Then the time comes to protect the woman and the beast would be ready to level cities in her defense. The issues is now he is in a Dark blind rage. And would turn on the woman and destroy the love they shared. The 2nd woman’s only defense against this is to release the beast. Drive it off with any means she could. But secretly cry about it. She still loves the Dragon but the beast can no longer be with her. See he is dying, He cant fly the hate and hurt is killing it. So to save the Dragon she has to make it leave to heal.
The First woman has seen this from a distance for a long time and it pains her. Its a ying and yang ideal. Perspective in some cases. All truth is relative pick one that works. Is the underlining sentiment of all of my blogs. The truth is Both woman are part of the Dragon’s life. The love is deep and strong with both and no matter who or what tells the Dragon that the 2nd woman is not good for him. He knows the truth. They both bring out the best in him just one is the Dark best and the other is the Light best.
That is the true nature of a Dragon of Shadows he has no true nature. He is chaos, he is the light in the bitch black, Or the Dark spot in a bright day.
My best friend one of my brothers. Some people see him as in essence A blue Dragon. I call him Gray. For he is my moral compass. From where I stand he is neutral. A Gray Dragon on a gray Mountain over looking a gray sea with a gray sky reaching the sea below. Perspective. We all have it and that’s why mine is mine yours is yours.
I will return to the first Woman. If I was Sherlock Homes she would be The Woman. But the 2nd woman I will always love. Will always rescue if she needs it and will stay for a time, but will leave when things are calm. They both Bring out the best. But perspective says its the worst. History is written by the winners. In the end most of us are all Good and Bad at the same time. Example. You give a homeless man 10 bucks That’s good of you some will say. Some will say its bad you have just paid for his vice ( drug of choice ) Whos right. Both and neither.
My friends will read this and I hope get a better understanding OF ME the Dragon of Shadows.
I can be the nastiest creature on the face of the earth using any weapon at hand to win.
I can be the one making coffee, sneaking you wine after work on a bad day. The one giving treats to kids when they where told no candy.
- I was in the USMC and I remember what my Drill would pound into us. ” your first last and always job is to go home” and he meant alive.
This is everyone’s goal to make it home after work, a trip, going to the store. we all want to go home.
The two woman in my life both are needed for they both are my Light and Dark. My Valkyrie, and My Vampire. One I will always return home to and one I will visit when she need me.
I have mental illness. I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt. Its a strain on all my relationships. Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand. You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds. You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone. I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game. One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game. Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness. I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet. I call it I cave up like Dragons do. I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament. That with time and study and coaching I have improved. Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why. Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home. But this time is different I see the tendencies. I see the pattern. I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in. I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.
What is time. Its a unit of measurement that humans made up so that every thing did / does not all happen at one moment. Meaning there would be no war of 1812 because there would be no Years, Months, Weeks, Day, hours or even seconds. There would just be the “now” and every thing happens “now”, when is now? It cant be then. Because now is now well now and then would never be. The poem Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the mystery. Today is the present that is why its a gift. April is a month that I will dread for there are fixed moments in time. April 17th the day when people stated there want to be with each other even if one was already with some one. April 19th and the windows where open. Last but not least April 22. Because forever and always never to be left behind magically changed to I can’t because I don’t love you any more. Truth be told I did not love me any more either. So here we are she happy and full of love and joy. I’m bitter alone healing and finding my way in the world. I’m cold and alone she says she could be alone but has not for a very long time. I start a poker career Saturday. Win or lose once more in to the breach I dive. Live with very little net. She is find a warm hug, a glass of wine and wet doggie kisses. I will find loneliness, fear and uncertainty. Once is an accident. When it happens twice its a pattern. My Vampire her Dragon. One knows not what happens at this weeks end it suffices that the week will end and the end be known. LY My Vampire.