- “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
- “She would be different you will see”.
- “Others they don’t see what I see”.
- any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
- ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
- Pssst you said that to the last one
- also you can’t love different people the same way, because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
- ” They have changed from when we first met.”
- Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
- The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
- But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
- one your Home but your different.
- your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
- If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
- Then there is the Demons in your head
- the Ghost of friends still on patrol
No more, no more
No more, no more
Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage
Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill
No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975
HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.
Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…
Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light. I finally reached out for help with my ptsd . I’m getting a councilor. The voices kept got louder, the Yelling “DO it, end it, Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.
There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain. I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….
What if I was nothing,
what if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl,
nothing without you
So what if I was angry,
what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you ……..
- “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains
HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.
What if you could go back in time. Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.
YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back. And you could fix the love that was there. You could have what you lost.
Now you Look at her Facebook. See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband. The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness. Fate gave them a second chance at love.
Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .
As the Disturbed’s version of “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.
You want to know what unconditional love is. . . . Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.
Because true love is not about your wants, its about theirs. The us is only a part of it. When you’re truly in love with some one. Your life means little their life is what matters. Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.
I love some one that way. Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.
She is not here. one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face. I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.
So no I don’t go back and fix it. See you can love more than one persons unconditionally. This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents. You can only love one of them really. Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet. People are morons. They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals. That will make fun of others. Hurt even. Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.
So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine. Its not for me to share, that’s called love. Not the groveling of “oh take me back.” Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle that love that went cold. You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.
A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal. All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.
So no I don’t go back to fix what happened. because I love her. She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.
This is healing. This is understanding. This is moving on.
There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:
From a tv show but on this day it fits
Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.