Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

get-backup

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.
As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.
      • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……

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I need a new part with new lines
Anything if it’s good for your head
You can donate your heart to science
But it won’t bring you back from the dead
I got a feeling that I can’t let go
………
Can’t Let Go – by – Caught A Ghost
Why is Good Bye so hard to say.  Most people say it every day.  Some of us see it as a permanent end to something.  Its said at graves.  Its said at hospital beds.  It’s even said sometimes when you know its a one way trip in a helo.
BRUTUS
to return to Rome in chains. My mind is too great for that. But today, the work that March 15th began must end, and I don’t know if we’ll meet again. Therefore, accept my everlasting farewell. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we meet again, then we’ll smile. If not, then this parting was well done.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we meet again, then we’ll smile indeed. If not, it’s true, this parting was well done.
BRUTUS
Well, lead on. Oh, I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!
that’s the modern version But it means the same.  Good Bye, we will not cross again.  BUT even if they did they would not be the same.  See some times when you say Good Bye, it’s some times to a time period in your life.
I called my former girlfriend and said goodbye.  We talked for a few minutes.  we said we loved each other and yes it was time for goodbye.  She once made me a vow she kept.  It hurt her and in truth was hurting me but she kept it.  She promised even though we where not dating she would not leave me we could talk.  She kept that vow even to both of our detriments.  She said you (I) would have to be the one to leave.  So I said Good Bye.  You can’t live in the now tied to the past.  Demons find a way to use this against you.
Will we talk again who knows.  IF we do it will not be as former lovers it will be as friends so in a way this Good Bye was to a time in my life.  She is a great person.  We are meant for different lives.  It was never going to be for a long time but it was a good time.  As the fog of anger lifts and the winds of time blow off the clouds of hate.  It shows  the day we changed clothes in a parking lot after getting soaked.  Her putting her foot in fresh paint.  The day we got our fur baby.  All the concerts.  How I would dedicate Blink-182 rock show to her to see that irritated smile.  Those are good memories I had forgotten until I said Good Bye.  The day will end and then the end be known.  So now we start to heal and to move forward.  It’s ok to look back but you can never GO back.
She is happy and I now have the same chance.  As I got off of a Dental table after a 2 hour session.  After all my teeth had been drilled, with the infections and rot  removed.  I felt like it was the first day in this body.  because in a way it was.  I was new I was whole I did not have this poison in and around me anymore.  I see life differently I see as Louis Armstrong  say a wonderful world.  Even on a rainy day like today.  Rain washes its cleans and cleanses.   So , lead on. …., I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

Why we want what we can’t have

what we cant have
We always think that we want the pretty girl, that handsome guy. We want the white picket fence, the house, the 2 to 3 Kids ( In today’s society fur babies are the same as human babies). But all we really want is what’s supposed to go into that house.
All we really want is to be loved. When we don’t find it, we always chase the wrong people. We chase the ones that will always bring us pain. Will always bring us misery, we know it but we just won’t accept it.
  • “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
  • “She would be different you will see”.
  • “Others they don’t see what I see”.
  • any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
This is followed by:
  • ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
  •   Pssst  you said that to the last one
  • also you can’t love different people the same way,  because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
  • ” They have changed from when we first met.”
  •   Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
The problem is that what you see, most times is what you get.  There’s very few people that are different from what they expose to the world. If they are cold, calculating, and sometimes very harsh to deal with. If this also continues after you start to date.  Then surprise, surprise they’re exactly what they appear to be. They’re  cold, calculating, and harsh.
life just has this way of beating the ever living hell out of people. Kindness, well that’s the first thing that’s gone from them. Happiness is next. Finally people become calculating.  Pictures and texts become ammunition.
Because life is unrelenting, it will just keep beating you, and beating you and beating you. It won’t let you up to breath, because it doesn’t have to. Life is harsh, it’s unrelenting. The pressure that life puts on every generation is always the same, it just looks different.
I had the love of 2 women that helped me lower my guard.  I allowed them to come in.  They each cut me deep and made me sorry I let them in.  We in one case talked it over.  With this one we found a spot of bedrock in a swampy area know as life to re-build our friendship on.
  • The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
The other well we just never talked about it.  This became the crack that would spell the eventual end to us as a couple.
  • But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
Her and I have made peace. We have turned the sand to glass and have made a transparent house for our friendship.  We have just learned not to throw stones at each other.  We know each others secrets.  Some should never see the light of day.
Yet People still chase the wrong person, for what ever reason.  Truth be told we want it to fail.  Because we have become so jaded.  We sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  We know if we chase the wrong person there is the  possibility that we will never fully let our guard down.
I’m guilty of this.  So now I just have friends with intimate options.  No dating, to make up lines like “we think a like” no making a dysfunctional relationship look like the greatest love story of all times.
I have been the bad guy so many times.  The guy that makes you look in the mirror and say ” This is your relationship looks pretty Huh?” ” OK is not a standard to live by its a starting point!” ” You wear the praise people heap upon you like a coat, like the red badge of courage.  ‘Oh look she is giving her life to him.  Sticking by him even when he abuse her. It’s the Illness she is an Angel for doing that’.” I have heard friend say, ” I know I will end up alone, with my dogs, a bitter person.”
WOW that’s a life goal to work for.  When you die you don’t get credit for time served.  Just because you hung in there with an asshole that gave you a case of Stockholm Syndrome.  When your time is up its up.  No free Frosty and 6 more months.
I’m done with people that bring nothing to my life.  If you start your travel plans with ” I want ….”  and you have a partner you need to re-look at your self.  If all you can do is take up my time and not help me see the world differently.  If you cant help me with my Poker or my Writing, its been real.  I’m not shallow I’m just 50 years old and tired of people wasting my life.
You control your life, you control how you allow people to interact with you.  You allow or deny people the ability to make you out to be the bad person when your not.  That’s called transference ( Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.) ( Google is your Friend).
I have no time for these people. Ok I’m kinda guilty here.  There is one person that I let stay in my life even when they start their vacation plans with “I Want”.
I want to thank all the women that made me feel like I was an atm ( high school), I was trash to be dropped off (Mother/and 2 others).  That made me feel like I was a replacement part.   Place holder till something better came along.
I gave my self permission to have a life.  I gave my self permission to remove any one from my life that does not add value.  I gave my self permission to be happy.  NO ONE CAN MAKE SOME ONE ELSE HAPPY.  A person has to want to be happy.
There is a Woman in my life that I break my own rules for but that’s the great part of having a code to live buy.  You allow who comes in and who does not.  I will always love her and watch out for her.  We are just meant to live different lives.  But if my phone rings a 3am and she needs and its with in my means she will have it.  The same way If I’m hearing the voices she will put her job on hold and walk me off the ledge .
If it starts it has to end.  Sadness and depression are the same way.  The only difference is sometimes we need to get help letting go of sadness.   Depression also sometimes needs medication.  BUT THERE IS HELP ASK FOR IT.

What you take with you…..

mark-twain- 20 years
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.
The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.
You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.
So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.
You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……
People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.
Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”
King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.
Conan, Movie
That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.

Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?
I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

The monster’s of the past…

 

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You’re that guy huh… you’re a hardcore lover and friend. You would go to the ends of the earth for someone if it meant showing them how much you care. But are you really? I mean you say it but do you show it? You aren’t the type to spend your entire life showing others just how much you care about them. Because your broken!!!! You’re use to getting dropped off to other people like trash at the dump. Then when they would come see you like your a display at a zoo. Then on sundays they leave. If your my mom you waits till i’m busy, then sneaks away so she wont have to deal with the emotions.

You’ll fight tooth and nail for every relationship you have. In hopes that it will replace the feeling you had when you where 6 years old as your mom drives away with out a word. Now if you have to compromise you are just can’t do it. You want others to know that you would die for a friend but you won’t live for them (metaphorically).

YOU know that friendships and relationships take effort, but if all you’re living for is thier validation and love. Then it isn’t worth it? Many people mistake your devotion to infatuation or obsession, but all you want just once is to know that you do, in fact, believe it or not have limits to your love.

Fair is a place they judge farm Animals………no place else is fair

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I have my medical pot license. I buy the candies they last longer. I sometimes pet my dog who is under a year old. I cry because its one of the last times I will pet her till the last time. that’s one thing PTSD and Depression take away. It takes the good days. It takes the fun ugly days. Like changing clothes in the parking lot of Hershey park. No you see the Sad the end the this is one of the last times. On Dr Who they had this saying Every Christmas is last Christmas. Ptsd and depression take the happy and now away.
Sativa is said to make people giggle and feel euphoric. I will feel numb and even cry. So I lost the joy, the Giggle, the stupid funny. So the past 2 day I have lived on Sativa candy and Energy Drinks. Yes normal for a 50 your old man. So today I upped the dose of Sativa. What did I find. I found the edge. That place where the talk is not where is the funions to “dude what’s it all mean any way”. This was not my intent but some of the worlds best discovery’s came from, ” Oh ya, Here hold this…”. Thus we have what we have so ya its all hitting me now and ya. So we now know where the deep end of the pool is. Its not fair I have depression the ptsd that was a side effect. But here we are stoned like a biblical whore. Still feeling sad and numb. Its a victory now I have numb not pain. See a step up and all I had to do was hit the candy. The whispers are a sleep, the demons are away. There is only numb. I had to thing slam me in the chest this week. I woman I use to say mean things to and treated poorly said I was a good man just broken. My Brother saying he is proud of me for fighting my Depression. Both I hear other say, but I don’t see it. I see the sad the this is one less time I will do this… Yes its life and no one gets out a live. There is not one Hurst with a luggage rack. So its not Fair. But at least one thing that we cling to…HOPE…..

The Letter

the Letter
When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.
The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.
I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.
We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.
I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.
So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.

HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.

I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.
If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……

It hurts today

Hurt

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…