The monster’s of the past…

 

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You’re that guy huh… you’re a hardcore lover and friend. You would go to the ends of the earth for someone if it meant showing them how much you care. But are you really? I mean you say it but do you show it? You aren’t the type to spend your entire life showing others just how much you care about them. Because your broken!!!! You’re use to getting dropped off to other people like trash at the dump. Then when they would come see you like your a display at a zoo. Then on sundays they leave. If your my mom you waits till i’m busy, then sneaks away so she wont have to deal with the emotions.

You’ll fight tooth and nail for every relationship you have. In hopes that it will replace the feeling you had when you where 6 years old as your mom drives away with out a word. Now if you have to compromise you are just can’t do it. You want others to know that you would die for a friend but you won’t live for them (metaphorically).

YOU know that friendships and relationships take effort, but if all you’re living for is thier validation and love. Then it isn’t worth it? Many people mistake your devotion to infatuation or obsession, but all you want just once is to know that you do, in fact, believe it or not have limits to your love.

Fair is a place they judge farm Animals………no place else is fair

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I have my medical pot license. I buy the candies they last longer. I sometimes pet my dog who is under a year old. I cry because its one of the last times I will pet her till the last time. that’s one thing PTSD and Depression take away. It takes the good days. It takes the fun ugly days. Like changing clothes in the parking lot of Hershey park. No you see the Sad the end the this is one of the last times. On Dr Who they had this saying Every Christmas is last Christmas. Ptsd and depression take the happy and now away.
Sativa is said to make people giggle and feel euphoric. I will feel numb and even cry. So I lost the joy, the Giggle, the stupid funny. So the past 2 day I have lived on Sativa candy and Energy Drinks. Yes normal for a 50 your old man. So today I upped the dose of Sativa. What did I find. I found the edge. That place where the talk is not where is the funions to “dude what’s it all mean any way”. This was not my intent but some of the worlds best discovery’s came from, ” Oh ya, Here hold this…”. Thus we have what we have so ya its all hitting me now and ya. So we now know where the deep end of the pool is. Its not fair I have depression the ptsd that was a side effect. But here we are stoned like a biblical whore. Still feeling sad and numb. Its a victory now I have numb not pain. See a step up and all I had to do was hit the candy. The whispers are a sleep, the demons are away. There is only numb. I had to thing slam me in the chest this week. I woman I use to say mean things to and treated poorly said I was a good man just broken. My Brother saying he is proud of me for fighting my Depression. Both I hear other say, but I don’t see it. I see the sad the this is one less time I will do this… Yes its life and no one gets out a live. There is not one Hurst with a luggage rack. So its not Fair. But at least one thing that we cling to…HOPE…..

The Letter

the Letter
When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.
The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.
I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.
We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.
I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.

So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.

HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.

I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.
If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……

It hurts today

Hurt

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…

HG WELLS the time Machine 

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

  • What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

    • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.

TIME DOES NOT HEAL

There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:

From a tv show but on this day it fits

Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.

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Lets make it Buddy check any day

Buddy check

October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.

What is Home where is home

Dad took a Nap

There’s an old saying at least once a year we should go someplace we have never been I did that this year and I found that sometimes home Is not always about a house not always a building it’s not always a tent or Van. sometimes home Just having something that you’re missing. That certain thing for me it’s my dog. I may never find my home no but I found what makes me feel at home and her name is Heidi.

The first 50 years

Im not the Hero

Its funny I have lived 25 years longer than I thought I would. I’m a Teen of the 80’s to much coke, pot and Gallons of alcohol. I have driven when I was far to drunk to drive. Played football with the worst hangover ever. In the core I did things that have left many marks. As the first 50 years draws to a close I see the mistakes I have made. The list is long and very

and prestigious.

July 1st I move in to an apartment that is mine. I set back and for the first time I have stopped and looked around and this is what I have seen.
In August a young lady I call sugar britches is getting married. She has had a faults start before but this time its real. Its strong. I hope to get the time off to see the wedding. Her mother is very proud of her and happy.
I have a son. He has 2 great kids and has taken the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is married with 2 kids and has his sick mother living with him. With style and grace he walks 2 miles to and from work. He makes me proud.
In October I’m going to West Virginia to hang out with Sammy, so His mom and dad can get time away. I swore I would never go. “Never say never again.” sounds like a James Bond title. But I have the time off request in and we will see how it goes.
I sit with my brother around the grill eating, drinking and smoking cigars. For the first time in many years his eyes are not haunted there is an ease to his gate and a real laugh escapes every now and then. I just hope one day I can help him as much as he has helped me.
Do I have regrets yes. BUT. Some times in life the saddest truth is that the people we love we cant be with because its not good for us. We will call her she knows who she is. I saved her from a bad relationship, helped her get a new job and helped to start getting her house fixed up. I miss her every day but she is my 2nd drug of choice. My love for Opium is stronger. She even said it on more than one occasion , ” you think more of your damn Meds than you do me.” I freed her so she can now be with a man that loves her and she loves him so I did good.
I know I have helped people. Some times to the detriment of my self. As for the woman i love ” I was not the hero you wanted I was the Dragon you needed.” So I set back and see all the lives I have touched for good and ill. I hope that I have a balanced sheet if not then I will try to make amends. I’m not in a rush to go home any more I’m learning that sometimes, most times, ok all the time it comes when it is to come not a moment before.
Karma will pay some people back for things they have done. I think I have settled up with Mistress Karma. Others, …. well the bill always comes due. I know I will be there when it does to give a hand up. Just this time the words, “I told you so.” wont be on my lips or in my heart..

Because That’s who I am

lost in this moment

My Brother and most of my friends are trying to get me to live in the moment.  I have never been able to do this.  Its great for the people that can, I envy them.  But I will always long for death.  To go home, I’m ok with that.  The world is not, but I’m not living for the world I’m being ME.  My heart belongs to one person.  A FRIEND is holding it in a box on a shelf for safe keeping.  I told her I wont want it back.  She said its here for when you do.  I love some one I wont see here.  I’m to blind with memories from her there.   So I will long to go home and see her there.  Now I will have many say that’s the wrong way to live.  WHO’S life is it.  I can’t live the way you do for one simple reason. I’M NOT YOU.  So yes I wear a hand grenade around my neck to pull the pin and see what’s next.  But does not mean I have to pull the pin. It means I have that option and that’s what life is about right options.  If you get board you find a new partner.  If you hate your job some one pushes you to get a new one.  So yes I want to die on a field of my choosing.  But one day death will give me a ride home. Then I will be over my wonder lust for home.  I write these for me and if you like them YeY.  IF you don’t or I have Offended you or insulted you.  That’s on you and what you did, not I.  So Gray, Red, Freya, Patti, Rebecca and Emma I thank you for getting me to this point and I will stumble a few times.  And you all will wonder what the fuck am I doing and sometimes I will wonder that my self.  But I will never get lost in this moment, oh but how I wish I could.  Its just not me.  I’m alive at the poker table, not sipping wine watching the world go pass.  I’m not a programmer, I’m a poker degenerate.  so as I look down the barrel of 50 years old half a century in this Mortal coil.  I’m starting to lose memories of why I hurt.  which is a good thing.  I know the damage I did. I know the damage they did. Neither can I fix.  Knowledge comes at a cost.  The scars you wear are the payment for what you learn.  and I have some great scars……