You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

The sun also shines…..

cropped-waiting.jpg

A funny thing happened to day.  I woke up.  The sun was shining, there was no clouds, it was like this out side also.  I could walk.  I had a friend that would look over my shoulder to make sure I was not getting complacent. A friend that never misses a good morning no matter what country she is in.  A friend that may help me with some work. and a Friend that even after a ruff few years says morning.

Its a hard thing waking up from a nightmare. I have lost a lot along the way.  But what I have gained will never be replaced.  I lost a girlfriend But re-found one of my best friends.   She in turn re-found someone and is happy as she could be.  I helped that happen.  I saved her from a horrid life.  I also broke her heart and opened the door for some one else.  But she is happy because I helped make it happen.
For years I was sad and in mourning for friends that are no longer around and wonder why them and not me.  the answer is clear I was not done.  I’m here for a different reason.
I’m good at cards.  I’m going to make it.  I will fall and cut my self up. But ” Chick’s dig scars.” I’m learning to lose with grace, honor, and dignity.  I’m doing this with every hand, every rejection letter.  You need to lose 1000’s times to be ready to win.
  • Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “non-productive.” As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”
I have helped many people along the way.  This has taught me many great things.  It’s now time for me. I understand I’m going home.  I want to make my waiting a good time.  I send out my applications. I watch my poker to see the trends. I do my clinical from my poker coach.  I play almost every day.  I’m glad she is happy as she can be.  I’m glad I can help my British Mum when I can.  My Brother I can never repay, although I’m sure he will come up with a number. And as for my friend that may help me with work.  Well she held my hand for a year.  Its time for me to repay that debt.  Some one once said no debts amongst friends.  this is not always the case.  An emotional debt needs to be repaid.  I hope she can send me some work.
I also have friends that read tarot cards for me.  A friend in South Carolina that is always there just to talk. these people I will never forget either.  so thank you.
But the sun is shining and I can walk.  Its a good day

She use to get all the candy…

This is where I will lose readers.  But this is for me not them so here goes.   I’m in love with 2 woman.  YES I see the numbers drop as I lead off with this.   One woman is some one that I have not seen in more years that one can count out loud.  She is pale tall dark hair and has a grace and power not often seen.  Her touch is cold.  Her gaze is hard and piercing.  Her tongue is sharp but has a velvet touch.  The kind of woman that can call you rude, fat, obnoxious and you would smile and nod.  She can also convey her utter displeasure and you would apologies with no hard feelings.

The other woman. ( the one that use to get all the candy).  Has a beauty she does not share easy.  I depth she her self has never dared to delve in to its depth.  She has a cold aloof demeanor.  She weald power sometimes with the understanding of a queen and then that of a petulant 6 year old.  Her eyes are haunted by the wrongs done unto her.  Her speech is unfiltered 75% of the time.  But if you can get past this.  There is a love seldom seen. She has built wall  around walls and there is a price of admission to get past each wall.

I love both women deeply.

One brings out the best in me and I have won battles that most have sought imposable.

The other brings out the Dark Dragon.  I vial creature that does not care what it takes, but will leave scorched earth in its wake to protect her.   The issue is that this beast will also turn on her and will return the hurt received 10 fold.  Yes even to the woman he is protecting.  He will be nasty and hurtful and uncaring.   He will not care about her past.  He wont let her reminisce of her past happiness.

This 2nd woman would get all the candy, for a time.  Then the 2nd woman would mess up and the Dark Dragon would start to turn on her.  It would be small slights at first.  But over time they would get harsher and crueler.  Then the time comes to protect the woman and the beast would be ready to level cities in her defense.   The issues is now he is in a Dark blind rage.  And would turn on the woman and destroy the love they shared.  The 2nd woman’s only defense against this is to release the beast.  Drive it off with any means she could.  But secretly cry about it.  She still loves the Dragon but the beast can no longer be with her.  See he is dying, He cant fly the hate and hurt is killing it.  So to save the Dragon she has to make it leave to heal.

The First woman has seen this from a distance for a long time and it pains her.  Its a ying and yang ideal.  Perspective in some cases.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  Is the underlining sentiment of all of my blogs.   The truth is Both woman are part of the Dragon’s life.  The love is deep and strong with both and no matter who or what tells the Dragon that the 2nd woman is not good for him.  He knows the truth.  They both bring out the best in him just one is the Dark best and the other is the Light best.

That is the true nature of a Dragon of Shadows he has no true nature.  He is chaos, he is the light in the bitch black, Or the Dark spot in a bright day.

My best friend one of my brothers. Some people see him as in essence A blue Dragon.  I call him Gray.  For he is my moral compass.  From where I stand he is neutral. A Gray Dragon on a gray Mountain over looking a gray sea with a gray sky reaching the sea below.  Perspective.  We all have it and that’s why mine is mine yours is yours.

I will return to the first Woman.  If I was Sherlock Homes she would be The Woman.  But the 2nd woman I will always love.  Will always rescue if she needs it and will stay for a time, but will leave when things are calm.  They both Bring out the best.  But perspective says its the worst.  History is written by the winners.  In the end most of us are all Good and Bad at the same time.  Example.  You give a homeless man 10 bucks That’s  good of you some will say.  Some will say its bad you have just paid for his vice ( drug of choice )  Whos right.  Both and neither.

My friends will read this and I hope get a better understanding OF ME the Dragon of Shadows.

I can be the nastiest creature on the face of the earth using any weapon at hand to win.

I can be the one making coffee, sneaking you wine after work on a bad day.  The one giving treats to kids when they where told no candy.

  • I was in the USMC and I remember what my Drill would pound into us. ” your first last and always job is to go home”  and he meant alive. 

This is everyone’s goal to make it home after work, a trip, going to the store.  we all want to go home.

The two woman in my life both are needed for they both are my Light and Dark.  My Valkyrie, and My Vampire.  One I will always return home to and one I will visit when she need me.

I’ve run about as far as I care to.

Aereon: In normal times, evil would be fought with good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil. Chronicles of Riddick…
6 years a go that passage came to pass for me in real life I was sent to free someone from a bad situation.  I was the other evil which is fine i know it under stand it and except it.  I’m very self aware.  A troll Had captured a vampire and was not letting her go.   The Dragon Of shadows Saved the Vampire and help send the troll away.  Over time the Vampire changed into an angel.  It was time to move on for a Bit.
Life Some times Hurts it will beat you to your knees and make you wish you where dead. It also makes you stronger.
I’ve run about as far as I care to.
Today was a good day.
A good day.
13th Warrior

WHY DO DRAGON TEARS BURN…

the hurting

For too long now, there were secrets in my mind
For too long now, there were things I should have said
In the darkness…I was stumbling for the door
To find a reason – to find the time, the place, the hour

Waiting for the winter sun, and the cold light of day

The Tears of the Dragon – Bruce Dickinson

Dragons tears. . . burn like acid why you will ask…  There is a myth that all dragons breathe fire this is not true.  Are breath does burn but not all is fire.  Great reds bellow fourth fire. Black dragons and Shadow dragons exhale poison that burns the eyes skin and lungs.  Blue and Mountain dragons discharge great bolts of lightning that burn also.  and the Icy and White dragons breath a blast of cold that will burn with a bitter cold to name a few…..

The tears of a dragon are always an acid that is the poison we revive on a daily hourly minutely bases.  Creatures look at us and marvel at the size the power the strength.  The words and weapons used against us do little to the ancient ones scar the old and will cut and harm the young and adolescent.  To become ancient you have taking all the slings and arrows and absorbed them and melted theme down and the words you here becomes the catalyst to make the acid for the tear.  We hear all the words, we remember all the hate, the anger against us. The hurt and hate that we cause echoing in our hearts minds and ears.  and it becomes an acid the can not be counter acted it is worse than any acid man can conceive.  Druids rage against us, Elves tread gently near us humans fear us and vampires mistrust us (some love us)((some both at the same time)). So when the tears of a dragon fall do your best to stay clear.  For the acid is so strong its been known to dissolve the strong bonds of all Love and Friendship.  In very small amounts

Ashes to Ashes. Dust to dust.

Single one
Ashes to Ashes.
Dust to dust.
I want to die. why in a rush?
A woman is why.
It is what it is.
Not my time but I wish it was.
6 years ago As I have stated before I met a woman that would change my world.  She did.  She blew up her world to make me part of it.  Lack of conversations killed it.  With a little miss trust because we never talked about issues.  She wanted some one to make her his world.  I did not.  But in 13 hours and 15 mins. she will be some one else’s wife.  I beat my self for being stupid.  It was not all my fault. It was not all her fault.  If we would have talked.  It should be me marrying her.  But I did not do the work to get my divorce, fix my student loans, fix my tax issues,  got my license.  So here we are.  I’m proud I got her away from the abuser she was with.   I’m glad she is happy.  I’m glad she is still my friend.  I’m crushed and in my cave as time ticks by like water torture, one drip / one tick.  I slowly go insane as I miss my friend.  The way she felt as I hugged her.  The touch of her hand as I was sad or in pain. I miss her voice as the flash backs started.  I miss it so much then why did I not kiss her in the morning for a year.  or hug her?  Grab her butt.  Make her feel as sexy as she is. So here we are 13 hours a way.  With a sad wave the Dragon watches the vampire morphs into an angel. I freed her from the troll she was with.  God/dess watch over you.  I will always be here as your friend.  What life has in store for me. No idea.  For her again no idea.  Will are paths cross again with both of us free.   3rd times a charm I have no idea.  I will be here in what ever form she needs from me.

WORTHY

thors hammer
wor·thy
ˈwərT͟Hē/
adjective
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
I have heard this many time over the past few months.  You need to feel worthy…  They need to be worthy for a 2nd chance…  You need to know you’re worthy.   The definition of the word is above.  As many know my former is now a friends  and there are many adjustments that need to happen.  I hate change, shocking I know.  It is what it is.  We are special to each other we saved each other.  Then we hurt each other.  We forgot each other.  The word complacent could be used.  From both sides the lines have been drawn but except for her and I no one will ever truly understand what happened.  I love her she loves me.  That love has changed and evolved into something new and over time it will again.  It’s  how it works.  She is getting marred part of me is happy that I saved her so she can find happiness.  There is a part of me that says it should be me.  There is also a part of me that says it was not the right time.  As I sit here at type this out I know I will never fully figure out at which point it went from the love of the ages to you get the dogs.  I want my clothes,  we can talk once a month.  She was worthy of my love and understand.  I was worthy of heart.  Worthy and love both evolve and sometimes they fade and vanish altogether.  I’m no longer worthy of her heart.  She says she trust me with her life just not her heart.  She is worthy of being happy and having a place in my heart.  I will never feel worthy in my eyes, that is for others to deem unto me.  Not something I can grant my self.  I may think I’m worthy of a job but its the person that will hire me to think it not me.  Its my former to say if I’m worthy of a 2nd chance.  Yes, yes I know and on the flip side I have to deem she is also worthy.  That’s kinda my point its not something you can feel its something someone feels about you.  At the end of the day you can feel worthy of anything, the issues is are you in their eyes.  What does it take to be worthy to them?  Is it a car, a new job, or is it a different disposition.  We worked hard to air out the issues and in the end I think it helped.  Ok it helped me.  As for her I think it did,  she has a different view of a few things.  She felt I was worthy to save her.  And I was.  She was worthy to save me in my eyes.  Does not mean I feel worthy.

Alone in the Dark

image

It’s Sunday and I sit watching tv.  I’m alone and my ptsd and depression gets bad over the weekend and at night.  I find my self screaming  “I’m sorry ” “I want to go home” ” I miss my _____. ” When you push people away they sometimes go. They love you but they need to be good to themselves.  They deserve to be loved and wanted not hurt and walk on eggshells. So they sit happy and loved.  You sit alone and cursing the dark.  Remember yes you hurt and you’re trying to find answers to questions you can’t put into words.  Your not the only one suffering from ptsd your family does also.  In good days hug them more.  Remind them their important wanted and loved.  For when your at your worst you need them the most.

So this is Christmas…..

 

sad

SO THIS is Christmas. . and another year over, but we still have fear… I sit alone and I’m trapped in my head. I’m alone because myself and some one never talked. My anger and well my pushing them away as to not get taken by my metal illness. I feel its like a cold and you can spread it, I know its not that way. I’m not typhoid Mary but that’s how it feels. They have that stunning smile and a glow about them, in some ways I’m glad. Other ways I only wish I could see that look one last time over me. So I start to mold new armor from the scraps of old. A new defense if you will. I read a picture post about some one that tried to commit suicide and found he wanted to kill what happen not him self. I understand that. Everyday I want to get a do over but that’s not this life. We don’t always get over things. Not everything happens for a reason to make is stronger. In those cases we have to carry them, not get over them. To the young lady with the dog.  Don’t take it back others have given up on it don’t add to it’s pain she can help you heal. I hurt, I get up I try, I fail but some times I win. We fall down to learn to get back up. Fall 5 times get up 6. Don’t give the illness the satisfaction of winning. I got this. We got this. So yes this is Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, add Yours in here (____). Give your self a gift and for one day let it go. If not a Day then 8 hours, if not then 3 hour, or 1 hour or hell 5 mins. and build from there. You got this.