- Shock And Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
- Testing and Reconstruction
A funny thing happened to day. I woke up. The sun was shining, there was no clouds, it was like this out side also. I could walk. I had a friend that would look over my shoulder to make sure I was not getting complacent. A friend that never misses a good morning no matter what country she is in. A friend that may help me with some work. and a Friend that even after a ruff few years says morning.
This is where I will lose readers. But this is for me not them so here goes. I’m in love with 2 woman. YES I see the numbers drop as I lead off with this. One woman is some one that I have not seen in more years that one can count out loud. She is pale tall dark hair and has a grace and power not often seen. Her touch is cold. Her gaze is hard and piercing. Her tongue is sharp but has a velvet touch. The kind of woman that can call you rude, fat, obnoxious and you would smile and nod. She can also convey her utter displeasure and you would apologies with no hard feelings.
The other woman. ( the one that use to get all the candy). Has a beauty she does not share easy. I depth she her self has never dared to delve in to its depth. She has a cold aloof demeanor. She weald power sometimes with the understanding of a queen and then that of a petulant 6 year old. Her eyes are haunted by the wrongs done unto her. Her speech is unfiltered 75% of the time. But if you can get past this. There is a love seldom seen. She has built wall around walls and there is a price of admission to get past each wall.
I love both women deeply.
One brings out the best in me and I have won battles that most have sought imposable.
The other brings out the Dark Dragon. I vial creature that does not care what it takes, but will leave scorched earth in its wake to protect her. The issue is that this beast will also turn on her and will return the hurt received 10 fold. Yes even to the woman he is protecting. He will be nasty and hurtful and uncaring. He will not care about her past. He wont let her reminisce of her past happiness.
This 2nd woman would get all the candy, for a time. Then the 2nd woman would mess up and the Dark Dragon would start to turn on her. It would be small slights at first. But over time they would get harsher and crueler. Then the time comes to protect the woman and the beast would be ready to level cities in her defense. The issues is now he is in a Dark blind rage. And would turn on the woman and destroy the love they shared. The 2nd woman’s only defense against this is to release the beast. Drive it off with any means she could. But secretly cry about it. She still loves the Dragon but the beast can no longer be with her. See he is dying, He cant fly the hate and hurt is killing it. So to save the Dragon she has to make it leave to heal.
The First woman has seen this from a distance for a long time and it pains her. Its a ying and yang ideal. Perspective in some cases. All truth is relative pick one that works. Is the underlining sentiment of all of my blogs. The truth is Both woman are part of the Dragon’s life. The love is deep and strong with both and no matter who or what tells the Dragon that the 2nd woman is not good for him. He knows the truth. They both bring out the best in him just one is the Dark best and the other is the Light best.
That is the true nature of a Dragon of Shadows he has no true nature. He is chaos, he is the light in the bitch black, Or the Dark spot in a bright day.
My best friend one of my brothers. Some people see him as in essence A blue Dragon. I call him Gray. For he is my moral compass. From where I stand he is neutral. A Gray Dragon on a gray Mountain over looking a gray sea with a gray sky reaching the sea below. Perspective. We all have it and that’s why mine is mine yours is yours.
I will return to the first Woman. If I was Sherlock Homes she would be The Woman. But the 2nd woman I will always love. Will always rescue if she needs it and will stay for a time, but will leave when things are calm. They both Bring out the best. But perspective says its the worst. History is written by the winners. In the end most of us are all Good and Bad at the same time. Example. You give a homeless man 10 bucks That’s good of you some will say. Some will say its bad you have just paid for his vice ( drug of choice ) Whos right. Both and neither.
My friends will read this and I hope get a better understanding OF ME the Dragon of Shadows.
I can be the nastiest creature on the face of the earth using any weapon at hand to win.
I can be the one making coffee, sneaking you wine after work on a bad day. The one giving treats to kids when they where told no candy.
This is everyone’s goal to make it home after work, a trip, going to the store. we all want to go home.
The two woman in my life both are needed for they both are my Light and Dark. My Valkyrie, and My Vampire. One I will always return home to and one I will visit when she need me.
You can go 6 days and have good days you can have a call that goes really well. You can change bad habits and have gains in poker. You can be in different pants like from a size 50 to a size 38. But when the night rolls in the room gets cool. It’s at that point it all circles the drain and you find your self on the floor wanting to go…………
For too long now, there were secrets in my mind
For too long now, there were things I should have said
In the darkness…I was stumbling for the door
To find a reason – to find the time, the place, the hour
Waiting for the winter sun, and the cold light of day
The Tears of the Dragon – Bruce Dickinson
Dragons tears. . . burn like acid why you will ask… There is a myth that all dragons breathe fire this is not true. Are breath does burn but not all is fire. Great reds bellow fourth fire. Black dragons and Shadow dragons exhale poison that burns the eyes skin and lungs. Blue and Mountain dragons discharge great bolts of lightning that burn also. and the Icy and White dragons breath a blast of cold that will burn with a bitter cold to name a few…..
The tears of a dragon are always an acid that is the poison we revive on a daily hourly minutely bases. Creatures look at us and marvel at the size the power the strength. The words and weapons used against us do little to the ancient ones scar the old and will cut and harm the young and adolescent. To become ancient you have taking all the slings and arrows and absorbed them and melted theme down and the words you here becomes the catalyst to make the acid for the tear. We hear all the words, we remember all the hate, the anger against us. The hurt and hate that we cause echoing in our hearts minds and ears. and it becomes an acid the can not be counter acted it is worse than any acid man can conceive. Druids rage against us, Elves tread gently near us humans fear us and vampires mistrust us (some love us)((some both at the same time)). So when the tears of a dragon fall do your best to stay clear. For the acid is so strong its been known to dissolve the strong bonds of all Love and Friendship. In very small amounts
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
It’s Sunday and I sit watching tv. I’m alone and my ptsd and depression gets bad over the weekend and at night. I find my self screaming “I’m sorry ” “I want to go home” ” I miss my _____. ” When you push people away they sometimes go. They love you but they need to be good to themselves. They deserve to be loved and wanted not hurt and walk on eggshells. So they sit happy and loved. You sit alone and cursing the dark. Remember yes you hurt and you’re trying to find answers to questions you can’t put into words. Your not the only one suffering from ptsd your family does also. In good days hug them more. Remind them their important wanted and loved. For when your at your worst you need them the most.