You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

Its not a World Shattering post. . it is what it is….

yesterday_is_history-35189
Ashes to ashes, endings are a Must.
If it has a beginning, than an ending is  just.
Nothing is forever, so to end it’s a must.
It maybe be sad but that’s not a must.
You see we can choose how we see it, that’s all up to us..
you can be sad if you must.
but you can be glad you had them also this to is just.
So be happy that they stayed for a while, the time with them was not a bust.
You loved them with lust.
You held them close and smiled so happy you could bust.
But now the love and smiles are gone, so is the Lust.
But smile because an new beginning starts with an ending this is a must.

Kicking and Screaming

Past
I have PTSD  not a shocker there and I awhile ago Me and my Best friend broke up from dating.  She got married I’m still single. NO that’s not what this is about.  It’s about holding onto “Things”.  I’m talking about cloths, and stupid things that in the long run really are of little value.   Example I lived with friends of mine for a time and one of my friends spent 3 hours sawing a pair of pants back together because I could not let them go.  yes I said that a pair of pants.  I’m not talking about pictures or rings or jewelry.  Clothes, belts, shoes, lighters (non metal ones).  So some force is making me leave that crap behind last night my lighter broke My former bought me.  Today my belt broke.  Ok I lost 75 pounds sooooo  I needed to replace it any ways.  Her and I chat, we are not bitter we do not fight Any more and a hole lot less.  She is married I’m happy that I helped her find happiness.  I have posted how I have helped 6 people grow and have a new start on life.  As I said some never help one and a priest would say if they can save one soul their life’s work would be complete. I have 6.  I guess if I was a fighter pilot I would be an Ace plus 1.  So some power that I can not see is forcing me to leave the old behind.  Its a good thing I know.  Never said it was not just saying it hurts.  My arms still hurt.  I’m still cold.  I still hurt.  I can not carry that which is not mine.  I can only carry what is mine.  I will always lover her.   We stayed friends.  It could have been much worse.  So I go kicking and screaming into the future.  But I’m Going.

SILENCE

GOODBYE-LOVE-LETTER
What at first makes things better. Then makes things uncomfortable. Then kills things like relationships?
Give up.
SILENCE.
how you ask well lets walk through it.
stage 1
You meet some one you like and things they do may make you itch but nothing to get excited about.  Being late. Not telling you when plans change.   Forgetting things.  No big deal.
stage 2
They make decisions and don’t tell you till its the day of even.  They do things and don’t see if you are bothered by it.
stage 3
You forget how to talk to each other you become complacent and now everything eats at you.  And you look back at stage one and say I should not have stayed Silent….

If one might know….

BRUTUS
…..And whether we shall meet again I know not.
Therefore our everlasting farewell take.
Forever and forever farewell, Cassius.
If we do meet again, why, we shall smile.
If not, why then this parting was well made.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever farewell, Brutus.
If we do meet again, we’ll smile indeed.
If not, ’tis true this parting was well made.
BRUTUS
Why then, lead on. Oh, that a man might know
The end of this day’s business ere it come!
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known
  Julius Caesar – Act 5, Scene 1, Page 6
Why that quote.  Out of thousands of great lines did I pick that one.  In some ways the end of this year is near. The end to a lot of things is near.  My best friend is getting married and I had a part in that.  In some ways I’m proud in others it rips my heart out.  More proud than hurt.  I don’t have a lot of friends 4 I would say are close friends.  I have gone in to a fight with all of them so are friendship is not based on a sports team, a flag, a country.  No it goes deeper than that.  Robert: I may talk to very rarely but If I text he will always answer he is never to busy he is always there.  Emma: A woman that some will never see how truly strong she is hell she can make a Dragon kneel.  James: He says little but knows a lot, never forces his views just lets you see your own way.  And Lastly Raina: She come across as cold and distant but is the most beautiful person I have ever had in my life.  She has my heart and will for a very long time.  No we don’t date any more.  A man finds one woman in his life that he may not finish his life with but she will always hold his hart for him.  She is the one getting married.
People ask is your way working?  Mine does and that is great.  Again I’m not you.  I like some people in my life. Does it hurt? HELL YES.  Sometimes it should because pain means something is wrong.  Yes something went wrong and they’re not there at this point in your life.  Pain is a reminder.  I can’t do things other peoples way.  I’m not wired like that.  What I need to find is a way that works for me.  I’m me.  Wow let that sink in a little. I’M ME..  well who are you?  Hell if I know. I was Nancy’s son. I was so many things and yes I was Raina’s boyfriend.  What am I now. I guess I’m me. 48 years to get to me.  Riana said one day that I gave her back her life, And its time she did the same.  I guess she was right.  I need to find me.  Not by doing what works for Robert, James, Emma or even Raina’s but mine.  I will fall and want to stay down they wont let that happen.
The end of this day’s business ere it come!
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known
Its fitting that as the daylight gets longer and the night gets shorter I have come out of my cave to find… To find what? Girl friend? Job? Life? I will settle for me now and we will see what happens in 2016.  People make mistakes.  Marry the wrong person, it was not wrong when they got married. People take the wrong job, It was not wrong when they took it.  We make wrong choices all the time. There not wrong when we make them.  There wrong when the full picture is reveled.  I will wish Raina a happy life.  I will always be here as your friend.  Robert, Emma, James the same goes for you.  I looking back, now some of the choices I made where wrong.  One that was never Wrong meeting my best friend at Macy’s.  Fair winds, Semper Fi.  As I push off in to uncharted waters and the shore vanishes into the line on the horizon what lay ahead.  I think its called life. . .

WORTHY

thors hammer
wor·thy
ˈwərT͟Hē/
adjective
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
I have heard this many time over the past few months.  You need to feel worthy…  They need to be worthy for a 2nd chance…  You need to know you’re worthy.   The definition of the word is above.  As many know my former is now a friends  and there are many adjustments that need to happen.  I hate change, shocking I know.  It is what it is.  We are special to each other we saved each other.  Then we hurt each other.  We forgot each other.  The word complacent could be used.  From both sides the lines have been drawn but except for her and I no one will ever truly understand what happened.  I love her she loves me.  That love has changed and evolved into something new and over time it will again.  It’s  how it works.  She is getting marred part of me is happy that I saved her so she can find happiness.  There is a part of me that says it should be me.  There is also a part of me that says it was not the right time.  As I sit here at type this out I know I will never fully figure out at which point it went from the love of the ages to you get the dogs.  I want my clothes,  we can talk once a month.  She was worthy of my love and understand.  I was worthy of heart.  Worthy and love both evolve and sometimes they fade and vanish altogether.  I’m no longer worthy of her heart.  She says she trust me with her life just not her heart.  She is worthy of being happy and having a place in my heart.  I will never feel worthy in my eyes, that is for others to deem unto me.  Not something I can grant my self.  I may think I’m worthy of a job but its the person that will hire me to think it not me.  Its my former to say if I’m worthy of a 2nd chance.  Yes, yes I know and on the flip side I have to deem she is also worthy.  That’s kinda my point its not something you can feel its something someone feels about you.  At the end of the day you can feel worthy of anything, the issues is are you in their eyes.  What does it take to be worthy to them?  Is it a car, a new job, or is it a different disposition.  We worked hard to air out the issues and in the end I think it helped.  Ok it helped me.  As for her I think it did,  she has a different view of a few things.  She felt I was worthy to save her.  And I was.  She was worthy to save me in my eyes.  Does not mean I feel worthy.