- one your Home but your different.
- your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
- If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
- Then there is the Demons in your head
- the Ghost of friends still on patrol
No more, no more
No more, no more
Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage
Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill
No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975
October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.
Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Author some say Mark Twain. some say no…
Ok so yesterday was not a great day. Had doubts about my poker game. Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom. My brother ( roommate ) said well then do it. Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..” style. Then we start the real conversation. He asks What 2+2=? and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out. After noticing the stare of ” are you done”. I stopped and said Ok what am I missing. The whole question he said. At this point I’m lost. He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.
Your issues are mainly 2 things:
1: you hate to lose. You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it. In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT. Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on. I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.
2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation. You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.
The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more. There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer. This is wrong. As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.
I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain. Would you rather be loved or wanted? I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.
Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me. Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that. Most said wanted. yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.
I woke early to get some sun on my face. The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in. the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back. I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.
Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.
Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.
We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.
- Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.
So how does this work with my 2 issues. It in a way answers both. I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough. NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ). So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer. Time after time after time. You get the point. So here we are. Life is right out there inches away. The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life. So at this point I have really only 2 choices
1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”
2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation. Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.
This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live. We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see. In my head I have to think yes. For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right. Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy. I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s. Always lost. Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers. After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic. One day I just said ya your right. “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.
What did I learn. Live in an equation. It have variables, and factors. Inserting an answer does not work. Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available. Do the work don’t insert answer.