LIFE TO BE CONTINUED
“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”
Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…
Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light. I finally reached out for help with my ptsd . I’m getting a councilor. The voices kept got louder, the Yelling “DO it, end it, Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.
There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain. I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….
What if I was nothing,
what if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl,
nothing without you
So what if I was angry,
what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you ……..
- “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains
HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.
What if you could go back in time. Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.
YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back. And you could fix the love that was there. You could have what you lost.
Now you Look at her Facebook. See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband. The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness. Fate gave them a second chance at love.
Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .
As the Disturbed’s version of “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.
You want to know what unconditional love is. . . . Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.
Because true love is not about your wants, its about theirs. The us is only a part of it. When you’re truly in love with some one. Your life means little their life is what matters. Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.
I love some one that way. Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.
She is not here. one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face. I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.
So no I don’t go back and fix it. See you can love more than one persons unconditionally. This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents. You can only love one of them really. Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet. People are morons. They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals. That will make fun of others. Hurt even. Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.
So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine. Its not for me to share, that’s called love. Not the groveling of “oh take me back.” Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle that love that went cold. You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.
A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal. All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.
So no I don’t go back to fix what happened. because I love her. She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.
This is healing. This is understanding. This is moving on.
October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.
Breaking even the Scripts
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no
So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….
Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.