Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……

so_long_fish

I need a new part with new lines
Anything if it’s good for your head
You can donate your heart to science
But it won’t bring you back from the dead
I got a feeling that I can’t let go
………
Can’t Let Go – by – Caught A Ghost
Why is Good Bye so hard to say. Most people say it every day. Some of us see it as a permanent end to something. Its said at graves. Its said at hospital beds. It’s even said sometimes when you know its a one way trip in a helo.
BRUTUS
to return to Rome in chains. My mind is too great for that. But today, the work that March 15th began must end, and I don’t know if we’ll meet again. Therefore, accept my everlasting farewell. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we meet again, then we’ll smile. If not, then this parting was well done.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we meet again, then we’ll smile indeed. If not, it’s true, this parting was well done.
BRUTUS
Well, lead on. Oh, I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!
that’s the modern version But it means the same. Good Bye, we will not cross again. BUT even if they did they would not be the same. See some times when you say Good Bye, it’s some times to a time period in your life.
I called my former girlfriend and said goodbye. We talked for a few minutes. we said we loved each other and yes it was time for goodbye. She once made me a vow she kept. It hurt her and in truth was hurting me but she kept it. She promised even though we where not dating she would not leave me we could talk. She kept that vow even to both of our detriments. She said you (I) would have to be the one to leave. So I said Good Bye. You can’t live in the now tied to the past. Demons find a way to use this against you.
Will we talk again who knows. IF we do it will not be as former lovers it will be as friends so in a way this Good Bye was to a time in my life. She is a great person. We are meant for different lives. It was never going to be for a long time but it was a good time. As the fog of anger lifts and the winds of time blow off the clouds of hate. It shows the day we changed clothes in a parking lot after getting soaked. Her putting her foot in fresh paint. The day we got our fur baby. All the concerts. How I would dedicate Blink-182 rock show to her to see that irritated smile. Those are good memories I had forgotten until I said Good Bye. The day will end and then the end be known. So now we start to heal and to move forward. It’s ok to look back but you can never GO back.
She is happy and I now have the same chance. As I got off of a Dental table after a 2 hour session. After all my teeth had been drilled, with the infections and rot removed. I felt like it was the first day in this body. because in a way it was. I was new I was whole I did not have this poison in and around me anymore. I see life differently I see as Louis Armstrong say a wonderful world. Even on a rainy day like today. Rain washes its cleans and cleanses. So , lead on. …., I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

Why we want what we can’t have

what we cant have
We always think that we want the pretty girl, that handsome guy. We want the white picket fence, the house, the 2 to 3 Kids ( In today’s society fur babies are the same as human babies). But all we really want is what’s supposed to go into that house.
All we really want is to be loved. When we don’t find it, we always chase the wrong people. We chase the ones that will always bring us pain. Will always bring us misery, we know it but we just won’t accept it.
  • “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
  • “She would be different you will see”.
  • “Others they don’t see what I see”.
  • any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
This is followed by:
  • ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
  •   Pssst  you said that to the last one
  • also you can’t love different people the same way,  because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
  • ” They have changed from when we first met.”
  •   Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
The problem is that what you see, most times is what you get.  There’s very few people that are different from what they expose to the world. If they are cold, calculating, and sometimes very harsh to deal with. If this also continues after you start to date.  Then surprise, surprise they’re exactly what they appear to be. They’re  cold, calculating, and harsh.
life just has this way of beating the ever living hell out of people. Kindness, well that’s the first thing that’s gone from them. Happiness is next. Finally people become calculating.  Pictures and texts become ammunition.
Because life is unrelenting, it will just keep beating you, and beating you and beating you. It won’t let you up to breath, because it doesn’t have to. Life is harsh, it’s unrelenting. The pressure that life puts on every generation is always the same, it just looks different.
I had the love of 2 women that helped me lower my guard.  I allowed them to come in.  They each cut me deep and made me sorry I let them in.  We in one case talked it over.  With this one we found a spot of bedrock in a swampy area know as life to re-build our friendship on.
  • The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
The other well we just never talked about it.  This became the crack that would spell the eventual end to us as a couple.
  • But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
Her and I have made peace. We have turned the sand to glass and have made a transparent house for our friendship.  We have just learned not to throw stones at each other.  We know each others secrets.  Some should never see the light of day.
Yet People still chase the wrong person, for what ever reason.  Truth be told we want it to fail.  Because we have become so jaded.  We sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  We know if we chase the wrong person there is the  possibility that we will never fully let our guard down.
I’m guilty of this.  So now I just have friends with intimate options.  No dating, to make up lines like “we think a like” no making a dysfunctional relationship look like the greatest love story of all times.
I have been the bad guy so many times.  The guy that makes you look in the mirror and say ” This is your relationship looks pretty Huh?” ” OK is not a standard to live by its a starting point!” ” You wear the praise people heap upon you like a coat, like the red badge of courage.  ‘Oh look she is giving her life to him.  Sticking by him even when he abuse her. It’s the Illness she is an Angel for doing that’.” I have heard friend say, ” I know I will end up alone, with my dogs, a bitter person.”
WOW that’s a life goal to work for.  When you die you don’t get credit for time served.  Just because you hung in there with an asshole that gave you a case of Stockholm Syndrome.  When your time is up its up.  No free Frosty and 6 more months.
I’m done with people that bring nothing to my life.  If you start your travel plans with ” I want ….”  and you have a partner you need to re-look at your self.  If all you can do is take up my time and not help me see the world differently.  If you cant help me with my Poker or my Writing, its been real.  I’m not shallow I’m just 50 years old and tired of people wasting my life.
You control your life, you control how you allow people to interact with you.  You allow or deny people the ability to make you out to be the bad person when your not.  That’s called transference ( Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.) ( Google is your Friend).
I have no time for these people. Ok I’m kinda guilty here.  There is one person that I let stay in my life even when they start their vacation plans with “I Want”.
I want to thank all the women that made me feel like I was an atm ( high school), I was trash to be dropped off (Mother/and 2 others).  That made me feel like I was a replacement part.   Place holder till something better came along.
I gave my self permission to have a life.  I gave my self permission to remove any one from my life that does not add value.  I gave my self permission to be happy.  NO ONE CAN MAKE SOME ONE ELSE HAPPY.  A person has to want to be happy.
There is a Woman in my life that I break my own rules for but that’s the great part of having a code to live buy.  You allow who comes in and who does not.  I will always love her and watch out for her.  We are just meant to live different lives.  But if my phone rings a 3am and she needs and its with in my means she will have it.  The same way If I’m hearing the voices she will put her job on hold and walk me off the ledge .
If it starts it has to end.  Sadness and depression are the same way.  The only difference is sometimes we need to get help letting go of sadness.   Depression also sometimes needs medication.  BUT THERE IS HELP ASK FOR IT.