Dear John……..

Death smiles

In the time of the inter web you can reach out and touch someone at any time.  This is good and bad.  When me and my former ended she did it face to face, in a car a foot away from me.  I was in the corp in the 80’s.  The time of phones and letters.  If they left you it would take time to get the letter.  Now its a text on the phone, or email or skype as your on the other side of the world.  I’m glad I was in then and not now.  It takes a strong person to deal with that life.  Both at home and in country.
If your lucky to make it home after your tour or TOURS.  You have many things to deal with.
  • one your Home but your different.
  • your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
  • If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
  • Then there is the Demons in your head
  • the Ghost of friends still on patrol
The list is endless.  I could not live with having access to family and then put them out of my head to go get shot at.  It was easier in a letter because you would not know till later.
It takes courage to break up with someone face to face.  Some have it.  To look into the eyes of a former love and say ” I love someone else ” or ” I cant live like this “.  The words are always different but the out come is the same. “Good Bye”.  I have a hard time saying those 2 words.  Because its the end.  If I say ” good bye ”  its at a funeral or we wont meet again because I’m done have a good life.  This is 90% of the time it sometimes slips out.  Could be subconscious because I should walk away.  That is for a different blog.
On Facebook I see pictures of peoples friends that could not deal with the memories and the Demons in their head  won.  Those Demons had me and they almost won a week ago.  I did not care if I woke up and if you read my blog you know the story.  What scared me was not being scared.  22 a day we lose to the Demons that cant be seen.  They touch your heart, your sole, your whole life.
What we forget when we get out is the one basic concept that kept us alive in country.  You depend on your team, your unit.  But for some strange reason when we get out we forget that one simple standard.  You may not like the guy next to you but that’s not part of the job.  The job is you fill their body bags not you own.  We get home and the team mentality is gone.  Issue is you need it more now than ever.   You can’t fight the Demons alone.  Because you can never win a fight with your self.
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
Movie Uncommon valor
You need to own that your not the same person that left for Boot.  Your not the same after any incursion you lose a little more to the Demons till you have become something different.  The old you is gone and as the song says Yesterdays gone.
For years I have taken pain meds for Migraines.  As I get older my body is breaking down faster.  Joint pain, sciatica, Migraines, and the “HURT” that comes with the Demons.
Johnson: Red wine and uppers… that’s why we call him Sailor. He used to take a lot of red wine and uppers, and just sail away.
Charts: How come he wears that goddamned grenade around his neck?
Blaster: Sailor always said, that if life got too shitty, he’d just pull the pin and see what’s next.
Uncommon Valor
I started counseling.  A former Marine reminded me you fight with a team not alone.  So here we are in a fight with an enemy I can not see.  But touches every part of my life.  I lost 3 relationships because I tried to fight alone.  One left me for a cousin.  The 2nd asked for a divorce.  The 3rd well that’s where this started.  I still have my Demons.  I’m fighting but not alone.  The former still rips my ass when i’m stupid.  My brother shows me a different way.  Every morning I get a hello sweetie, from some-one who trust me.  With as broken as I am she still trust me to watch her treasure.  Her son.
The Demons wont take me.  I’m saying when.  I kept asking my self what will it take. what will it take for me to understand that I have the right to be happy.  a message from my brother “… your a good friend/brother/person. You doin your best with what you have…”.
I’m so deep in the cave of Demons its not funny.  Now I have a map.  I can finally hear people calling.  I’m not going lose this one.  I have a bracelet I want to win.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s