Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?
I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s