GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

sad
It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

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