” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

WHY

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

  • Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

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It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

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I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

A sad truth…

Use to have a friend come and visit me.  She would get there and I would be over joyed. After a while I would look at a clock and calculate how long till she would leave. And become sad.  She asked one time ” why are you sad that I’m here?” I replys ” I’m not I’m sad you will leave in 38 hours.”

The sun also shines…..

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A funny thing happened to day.  I woke up.  The sun was shining, there was no clouds, it was like this out side also.  I could walk.  I had a friend that would look over my shoulder to make sure I was not getting complacent. A friend that never misses a good morning no matter what country she is in.  A friend that may help me with some work. and a Friend that even after a ruff few years says morning.

Its a hard thing waking up from a nightmare. I have lost a lot along the way.  But what I have gained will never be replaced.  I lost a girlfriend But re-found one of my best friends.   She in turn re-found someone and is happy as she could be.  I helped that happen.  I saved her from a horrid life.  I also broke her heart and opened the door for some one else.  But she is happy because I helped make it happen.
For years I was sad and in mourning for friends that are no longer around and wonder why them and not me.  the answer is clear I was not done.  I’m here for a different reason.
I’m good at cards.  I’m going to make it.  I will fall and cut my self up. But ” Chick’s dig scars.” I’m learning to lose with grace, honor, and dignity.  I’m doing this with every hand, every rejection letter.  You need to lose 1000’s times to be ready to win.
  • Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “non-productive.” As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”
I have helped many people along the way.  This has taught me many great things.  It’s now time for me. I understand I’m going home.  I want to make my waiting a good time.  I send out my applications. I watch my poker to see the trends. I do my clinical from my poker coach.  I play almost every day.  I’m glad she is happy as she can be.  I’m glad I can help my British Mum when I can.  My Brother I can never repay, although I’m sure he will come up with a number. And as for my friend that may help me with work.  Well she held my hand for a year.  Its time for me to repay that debt.  Some one once said no debts amongst friends.  this is not always the case.  An emotional debt needs to be repaid.  I hope she can send me some work.
I also have friends that read tarot cards for me.  A friend in South Carolina that is always there just to talk. these people I will never forget either.  so thank you.
But the sun is shining and I can walk.  Its a good day

Its not a World Shattering post. . it is what it is….

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Ashes to ashes, endings are a Must.
If it has a beginning, than an ending is  just.
Nothing is forever, so to end it’s a must.
It maybe be sad but that’s not a must.
You see we can choose how we see it, that’s all up to us..
you can be sad if you must.
but you can be glad you had them also this to is just.
So be happy that they stayed for a while, the time with them was not a bust.
You loved them with lust.
You held them close and smiled so happy you could bust.
But now the love and smiles are gone, so is the Lust.
But smile because an new beginning starts with an ending this is a must.