Ashes to Ashes. Dust to dust.

Single one
Ashes to Ashes.
Dust to dust.
I want to die. why in a rush?
A woman is why.
It is what it is.
Not my time but I wish it was.
6 years ago As I have stated before I met a woman that would change my world.  She did.  She blew up her world to make me part of it.  Lack of conversations killed it.  With a little miss trust because we never talked about issues.  She wanted some one to make her his world.  I did not.  But in 13 hours and 15 mins. she will be some one else’s wife.  I beat my self for being stupid.  It was not all my fault. It was not all her fault.  If we would have talked.  It should be me marrying her.  But I did not do the work to get my divorce, fix my student loans, fix my tax issues,  got my license.  So here we are.  I’m proud I got her away from the abuser she was with.   I’m glad she is happy.  I’m glad she is still my friend.  I’m crushed and in my cave as time ticks by like water torture, one drip / one tick.  I slowly go insane as I miss my friend.  The way she felt as I hugged her.  The touch of her hand as I was sad or in pain. I miss her voice as the flash backs started.  I miss it so much then why did I not kiss her in the morning for a year.  or hug her?  Grab her butt.  Make her feel as sexy as she is. So here we are 13 hours a way.  With a sad wave the Dragon watches the vampire morphs into an angel. I freed her from the troll she was with.  God/dess watch over you.  I will always be here as your friend.  What life has in store for me. No idea.  For her again no idea.  Will are paths cross again with both of us free.   3rd times a charm I have no idea.  I will be here in what ever form she needs from me.

If one might know….

BRUTUS
…..And whether we shall meet again I know not.
Therefore our everlasting farewell take.
Forever and forever farewell, Cassius.
If we do meet again, why, we shall smile.
If not, why then this parting was well made.
CASSIUS
Forever and forever farewell, Brutus.
If we do meet again, we’ll smile indeed.
If not, ’tis true this parting was well made.
BRUTUS
Why then, lead on. Oh, that a man might know
The end of this day’s business ere it come!
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known
  Julius Caesar – Act 5, Scene 1, Page 6
Why that quote.  Out of thousands of great lines did I pick that one.  In some ways the end of this year is near. The end to a lot of things is near.  My best friend is getting married and I had a part in that.  In some ways I’m proud in others it rips my heart out.  More proud than hurt.  I don’t have a lot of friends 4 I would say are close friends.  I have gone in to a fight with all of them so are friendship is not based on a sports team, a flag, a country.  No it goes deeper than that.  Robert: I may talk to very rarely but If I text he will always answer he is never to busy he is always there.  Emma: A woman that some will never see how truly strong she is hell she can make a Dragon kneel.  James: He says little but knows a lot, never forces his views just lets you see your own way.  And Lastly Raina: She come across as cold and distant but is the most beautiful person I have ever had in my life.  She has my heart and will for a very long time.  No we don’t date any more.  A man finds one woman in his life that he may not finish his life with but she will always hold his hart for him.  She is the one getting married.
People ask is your way working?  Mine does and that is great.  Again I’m not you.  I like some people in my life. Does it hurt? HELL YES.  Sometimes it should because pain means something is wrong.  Yes something went wrong and they’re not there at this point in your life.  Pain is a reminder.  I can’t do things other peoples way.  I’m not wired like that.  What I need to find is a way that works for me.  I’m me.  Wow let that sink in a little. I’M ME..  well who are you?  Hell if I know. I was Nancy’s son. I was so many things and yes I was Raina’s boyfriend.  What am I now. I guess I’m me. 48 years to get to me.  Riana said one day that I gave her back her life, And its time she did the same.  I guess she was right.  I need to find me.  Not by doing what works for Robert, James, Emma or even Raina’s but mine.  I will fall and want to stay down they wont let that happen.
The end of this day’s business ere it come!
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
And then the end is known
Its fitting that as the daylight gets longer and the night gets shorter I have come out of my cave to find… To find what? Girl friend? Job? Life? I will settle for me now and we will see what happens in 2016.  People make mistakes.  Marry the wrong person, it was not wrong when they got married. People take the wrong job, It was not wrong when they took it.  We make wrong choices all the time. There not wrong when we make them.  There wrong when the full picture is reveled.  I will wish Raina a happy life.  I will always be here as your friend.  Robert, Emma, James the same goes for you.  I looking back, now some of the choices I made where wrong.  One that was never Wrong meeting my best friend at Macy’s.  Fair winds, Semper Fi.  As I push off in to uncharted waters and the shore vanishes into the line on the horizon what lay ahead.  I think its called life. . .

Happy Yule I guess. .

the hurting
It’s the Winter solstice and its the shortest day in the northern hemisphere.  Its a special day for pagans.  Yes, yes I’m pagan.  last year me and my former girl friend where in a relationship.  the Lover part ended in April.  When we broke up.  The friend ship part started soon after that.
People say I should not take blame for it ending.  Yes your right she did it all its all on her.  Really, just really…  It takes two.  Weather its a slow dance. A kiss in the rain.  A hug.  A conversation.  Yes  even a fight.  We where in love, deeply in love.  In some ways we still do.  We saved each other form a very dark existence.  Both in life draining relationships.  We held each others hand and made it out the other side.  There where issues, her letting her phone die and vanishing for a night.  Me breaking her heart 3 times. I did not admit when I messed up.  I called her stupid and she would forget I was alive at times of the year.  I have depression and PTSD and she would not come near me, she wanted me to come to her.  Its all about perspective.  In her mind I would come to her when I wanted help she thought.
The truth is if we did not break up when we did we would hate each other.  That I could not live with nor could she.  We are friends now and that’s the rolls we will hold in each others lives.  So as the song says.  ” there ain’t no good guy,.. there ain’t no bad guy,.. there’s just you and me and we just disagree…”
So on this winter solstice I only wish her happiness.  We will put things in a metal box and place it on the shelf and both protect it.  Its not her job or mine to keep it safe its both of ours.  The good times we can smile about.  The bad we will try to keep at bay and not feed them.    So a year ago we where in North Carolina for Christmas.  I wish I could send my mind to myself in 2010.  I would then know where I messed up.  Maybe just maybe it would be different.  HG Wells never left plans for the machine.   So yes this is Christmas and another year over.  a new one yet to come.  I hope it’s a good one for us both.

WORTHY

thors hammer
wor·thy
ˈwərT͟Hē/
adjective
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
I have heard this many time over the past few months.  You need to feel worthy…  They need to be worthy for a 2nd chance…  You need to know you’re worthy.   The definition of the word is above.  As many know my former is now a friends  and there are many adjustments that need to happen.  I hate change, shocking I know.  It is what it is.  We are special to each other we saved each other.  Then we hurt each other.  We forgot each other.  The word complacent could be used.  From both sides the lines have been drawn but except for her and I no one will ever truly understand what happened.  I love her she loves me.  That love has changed and evolved into something new and over time it will again.  It’s  how it works.  She is getting marred part of me is happy that I saved her so she can find happiness.  There is a part of me that says it should be me.  There is also a part of me that says it was not the right time.  As I sit here at type this out I know I will never fully figure out at which point it went from the love of the ages to you get the dogs.  I want my clothes,  we can talk once a month.  She was worthy of my love and understand.  I was worthy of heart.  Worthy and love both evolve and sometimes they fade and vanish altogether.  I’m no longer worthy of her heart.  She says she trust me with her life just not her heart.  She is worthy of being happy and having a place in my heart.  I will never feel worthy in my eyes, that is for others to deem unto me.  Not something I can grant my self.  I may think I’m worthy of a job but its the person that will hire me to think it not me.  Its my former to say if I’m worthy of a 2nd chance.  Yes, yes I know and on the flip side I have to deem she is also worthy.  That’s kinda my point its not something you can feel its something someone feels about you.  At the end of the day you can feel worthy of anything, the issues is are you in their eyes.  What does it take to be worthy to them?  Is it a car, a new job, or is it a different disposition.  We worked hard to air out the issues and in the end I think it helped.  Ok it helped me.  As for her I think it did,  she has a different view of a few things.  She felt I was worthy to save her.  And I was.  She was worthy to save me in my eyes.  Does not mean I feel worthy.

Alone in the Dark

image

It’s Sunday and I sit watching tv.  I’m alone and my ptsd and depression gets bad over the weekend and at night.  I find my self screaming  “I’m sorry ” “I want to go home” ” I miss my _____. ” When you push people away they sometimes go. They love you but they need to be good to themselves.  They deserve to be loved and wanted not hurt and walk on eggshells. So they sit happy and loved.  You sit alone and cursing the dark.  Remember yes you hurt and you’re trying to find answers to questions you can’t put into words.  Your not the only one suffering from ptsd your family does also.  In good days hug them more.  Remind them their important wanted and loved.  For when your at your worst you need them the most.