A new wind is blowing

A silent scream

“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever seen a person do a silent scream.   Its gut twisting, scary, sad, and hopeless all rolled in to one neat little silence.  I scream ever day a silent scream because no one is here. Today it slipped out. I screamed as my friend watched helpless.  I screamed I wanted to go home to be someplace I could not go.  Funny thing I have 3 homes and NONE of them I can go to.  So my silent scream was heard. I have seen a silent scream.  How can you see a silent scream?.  Some one I was very close with has a stroke and could no longer cry.  But left was the actions not the sound the stroke had taken that…  I fear very little Death is not a fear its a want of mine but that is for a different story.  My fear is to be trapped in my mind unable to speak or write, to communicate.  That is my true fear. to be the living dead to be seen and pitied.   I lost a love that was so deep so pure that it was magical.  I pushed her away because of self hate.  I wanted her to go and save her self from what I was becoming.  She did.  The day it ended I was numb.  As time has passed I see what it was and have promised her to lock it a way, the pain.  Stop looking for the man on the grassy knoll.  Stop looking for reasons to hurt myself and is some cases her.   This is my release of the bad mojo, this last bit of poison that has tainted my heart.  I’m giving up the last 10%.  I not longer fight with guns, swords, knives.  For I have learned that words cut so much cleaner and deeper and leave wounds that fester worse than any poison.   They also can heal and mend.  this is my new path to heal and to mend..  I have one wish to die in the arms of my best friend. So when I close my eyes here I will have that vision to carry me home.  To rolling hills of wheat, apple trees and grapes.   I had silent scream and some one was here to hear it.  So to the universe I write these words out.  I will no longer look to use the past for pain.  I will enjoy the silly things we did.  The concerts. The Fairs. The  fun that was and look forward.  To what futures may come.  20 years from now I will not be sad for what I did not do.  Because I now can and want to.

The Dance in the moon light

Many times and she is Stunning

Many times and she is Stunning

Her name Is…… Well she knows who she is.  Fair of skin, kind of heart, breathtakingly beautiful.  She is the Moon the dark the sexy and evil that is the night.  A Vampire if you will but oh so much more.   You may have some one that you see the way no one else see them.  For me she is that one.  “what’s in a name would a rose not smell as sweet with any other name?”  We all are the sum of our parts.  We all have many names that we wear every day. Names like Mom, Dad, Sister Brother, Boss, Coworker and the name your parents gave you.  Some we don’t even know we are called.  We do a dance every day with some sort of devil.  Addiction, someone we miss but can’t talk to, the reasons are to many to name. So we do this dance I have a few dance partners.  I have chronic pain, ptsd, breaking up with a lover.   We do a sad dance for if the dance stops some part of our dies.  This can be good or bad.  I use to always keep 10% of my anger hidden away so I go armor up at any point. a defense against what I would see as wrong or a slite. I finally gave this up.  so one less dance partner.  I now do a new dance this is with a devil that can also be my Valkyrie.  It’s a slow waltz, she has never danced and I am very scared to dance this dance.

All I’m saying is sometimes the dance in the moonlight is not a dance with a Devil its a dance of life and love.  All truth is relative pick one that works.