Will we be Ok….

The_dragon_hide

Raina 4insanity Maitress in the shadow

In my head there is Dragon and Raymond. I guess it’s the ID and the EGO if you will. I went insane at some point in my life hard to say just when.  Now before you call Bellview phyc word.  Read the center picture

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein

I started doing this at some point in my life and it works for a while but in the end it turns every thing in to a layer of dust, consisting of shattered dreams, futures never reached and promises never kept.  I’m broken, hurting, a recovering fat man, a raging ass with a thin candy coating of charming. ( I’m very self-aware )  The ladies in the pictures book ending the words are people I know in my life.  One is a former Girl Friend and one…

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In plain site for no one see’s the shadows

Waiting

Dragon where have been all my life?

The Dragon’s reply…In plain site for no one see’s the shadows…..

A Dragon of the shadows sits on a wall staring at the full moon. Mumbles “I wonder if she sees the same moon as I do from her distant land???” He still mourns the death a tiny cry echo’s against the stone of the castle walls.  A scream is heard from time to time.  A petulant rant form a scared little boy.   Raymond screams “The dreams scare me the ghost keep me awake.” Raymond’s rant is never-ending ” The Dragon GOD that thinks of no one but him self…”. The child’s words cut at him cut deeper than any sword ever could.  The touch that would quell the child is no longer here.  As the Dagon is lost with voices and echo’s he does not here the approach of second Dragon A indigo blue mountain dragon.   The mountain Dragon Speaks ” So will this be a long painful morning, you could just kill your self or better yet you could take what you learned and Live. You need to make a choice because you can’t do all three”  and silently wings away.   The Shadow Dragon whispers ” I truly hate you”.  The mountain Dragon circles and roars back ” I know’  that’s why we are always there for each other.   The Shadow Dragon taps a Claw thinking.  Looks at the moon again. A tear rolls down his cheek.  And off in the distance is a dark light messages are dropped and sent back.  maybe its time to see what’s out there.  A Shade of beauty and change.   They say they like the Dragon. Want to message the Dragon and maybe talk to the Dragon. .  and the winters chill seems to break a little.  A slight smile can be seen on the Dragon face.  Till the screams and voices and echo’s return but they seem not as loud………………..

A DARK NIGHT MARE

Will we be Ok….

Raina 4insanity Maitress in the shadow

In my head there is Dragon and Raymond. I guess it’s the ID and the EGO if you will. I went insane at some point in my life hard to say just when.  Now before you call Bellview phyc word.  Read the center picture

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein

I started doing this at some point in my life and it works for a while but in the end it turns every thing in to a layer of dust, consisting of shattered dreams, futures never reached and promises never kept.  I’m broken, hurting, a recovering fat man, a raging ass with a thin candy coating of charming. ( I’m very self-aware )  The ladies in the pictures book ending the words are people I know in my life.  One is a former Girl Friend and one is a gothic modal, author,  and Police woman.  That I chat with.  These women are strong and are deep.  For some reason they like me.  My former girlfriend and I still chat we have furry children together we just grew apart. OK. Here is the rub.  We did not grow. We got complacent and forgot about the other on may occasions. We hurt and healed but never fixed.  She was to this point the best thing in my life.  TO THIS POINT…. ok till Jan 2015.  when the cracks could no longer be ignored.  The cuts to deep and the complacency was choking the life from us both.  I look back on pictures and like any thing in the throes of death the sparkle left her eyes and in mine I’m guessing also…  People tell you many things and as time goes on if you have mental illness you hear only the bad and that sticks not the good

Kali: …just because your chubby…… That doesn’t make you ugly.

I have heard that 1000 times before from dear friends even my former Girlfriend when dating and after.  Will I be ok? Yes IF and I do mean IF I heal my insanity.  STOP doing the same things stop faceless beings that are all the same.  There 4 lessons I for got ..

  1. The only place that is fair is a place that they judge live stock. .  no other place or situation is fair
  2. Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder no place else.
  3. Beauty takes many forms and can never have a blanket definition.
  4. Seasons changes people change feelings change views change people must also change the “hurry up living or hurry up dying you can’t do both”

So a full moon hours away and Halloween / Day of the dead coming fast.  I have changed many see it, some will not acknowledge it. They will only see what you were and that you will always appear to be this way.   I have my resume done classes almost done.  A life ahead of me.  F.E.A.R 2 meanings. Face everything and run or face everything and RISE there are you 2 options.  I will choose Rise.  For my friends but also mostly for me……

Why do Dragon’s Tears burn like acid you ask

the hurting

For too long now, there were secrets in my mind
For too long now, there were things I should have said
In the darkness…I was stumbling for the door
To find a reason – to find the time, the place, the hour

Waiting for the winter sun, and the cold light of day

The Tears of the Dragon – Bruce Dickinson

Dragons tears. . . burn like acid why you will ask…  There is a myth that all dragons breathe fire this is not true.  Are breath does burn but not all is fire.  Great reds bellow fourth fire. Black dragons and Shadow dragons exhale poison that burns the eyes skin and lungs.  Blue and Mountain dragons discharge great bolts of lightning that burn also.  and the Icy and White dragons breath a blast of cold that will burn with a bitter cold to name a few…..

The tears of a dragon are always an acid that is the poison we revive on a daily hourly minutely bases.  Creatures look at us and marvel at the size the power the strength.  The words and weapons used against us do little to the ancient ones scar the old and will cut and harm the young and adolescent.  To become ancient you have taking all the slings and arrows and absorbed them and melted theme down and the words you here becomes the catalyst to make the acid for the tear.  We hear all the words, we remember all the hate, the anger against us. The hurt and hate that we cause echoing in our hearts minds and ears.  and it becomes an acid the can not be counter acted it is worse than any acid man can conceive.  Druids rage against us, Elves tread gently near us humans fear us and vampires mistrust us (some love us)((some both at the same time)). So when the tears of a dragon fall do your best to stay clear.  For the acid is so strong its been known to dissolve the strong bonds of all Love and Friendship.  In very small amounts

You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion

rise_of_the_shadow_dragon female-vampire-art-vampire-hunter

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote

There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire.  My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em.  I hear things like..

” You need to just walk away..”  You need to cut all ties”  “You are  just slowing your progress…”  “you’re only hurting your self”

Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement.  I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen.  Bad marriages, The Corp.  I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares,  I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).

….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message.  I could have a life.  I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD.  Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal.  Funny thing we became friends.  What do you know.  As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves.  It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought.  I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do.  I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between.  See they make up my window unto my world.  I thank them, but they’re not me.  I will listen and see their side, their point of view.  I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine.  My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want.  With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss.  Is that so wrong?  I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help.  So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.

The Cure

The cure

I miss my friend.  Four small words. what do they  mean? What pain does it hide? How deep are the scars?  Why are they gone?  All really good question.  At the end of the day they all matter very little.  You miss them.  over done next.  STOP  just stop.  Don’t gloss over it.  It will fester and grow.  One day you will sit alone and scream I MISS TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How would I know?  I just did it, I just screamed I want to call her, text her.   I told her I can’t talk to her for a while..  So its my cure I guess. The cure is worse than the disease.  When did wanting someone in your life a disease.  Well any one? any one at all?

….. When the sound of their voice makes you angry.  When you ask and they give their word and they “forget”.  When you forget there is a world around you.  Bruce Lee  quote

“Its like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory.”

That is what I was doing. Pavlov’s Dog.  A beep, ding or “rock show” goes off you have to stop what you’re doing and read.   I would stop eating, studying, or wake up at 3am to look and see what I missed.   So now its Monday 2 days from when I said  could not talk to her.  I have learned a few things.  One I like her in my life.  I like talking to her.  I like the way her voice can calm me when I’m ready to hurt things my self my growth.  I like the child like view she has of the world the wonder in her eyes.  That’s why I was with her.  She was my world and I forgot that.  There is a poker saying “Stupidity is Expensive”. Cost me my world the love of a great woman my home and my dogs.  Second poker saying “Learn form some one else mistakes it will save your bank roll”.  They can be looked at the same way but they should not.  both are learning.  One is watching one is doing.  My brother form a distant mother learned from my mistakes  he is further along mending fences than I am.  Good for him Mother will be proud of him. As for my self.  Oct  29th I will send an email early in the Week and ask for a chat at lunch.  Its one of our Holy times of year.  In some ways it’s the end of one year with the day of the dead to follow.  So it will be a good start.  We will see how it goes.  All forms of a cure for a disease.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

The devil you know

This is what we all must face.  Devil, Demon, Angel, Dragon, or Vampire.  The say the Devil was cast out from Heaven.   OK.  Now its funny a Pagan that prays to 3 ( 2 Goddess and a God) would start this with a thought like this.  I know what and who I am.  I’m a mental shop of horrors, I have many issues.  “;” this is my touch stone if you have no idea what it is Google the Semicolon movement.  I am a raging asshole of sarcasm, and snide comments.   Few I will give a kind word to, fewer yet will I allow to get close.  The ones that do all become Devils in their own way.  All are well-meaning, all with good intentions.  The path to hell is paved with good intentions.  I wait for “Morning _______”  from two people one I send a message of “Alive” to and one I chat with.  Which one means more?  AH there is the rub they are different people who hold different sway in my life.  The one the gets the chat is special in a different way than the one that gets the “alive” message.  I know skeletons in a lot of closets.  I know of secrets that can never be shared.   So the Devils I know for now I will keep.  They will change forms, sometimes will wear halos over a Vampire form.  All the while I have started bricking my self back into my cave not because I’m depressed but to heal.  To stop the cycle of pain that the good intentions bring.  Sadly I with draw from the world and close this side of my cave.  I will delve deeper in to my darkness and look for an endurance to the sky I will fly again in and feel the sun on my skin and do a Dragon dance on a distant hill where only I will be.  Knowing that this dance has been seen by only 2 others.  I miss people I pushed away.  I long for years gone by.  I will always miss “her”  it is what it is.  IF you’re truly my friend you will under stand if you’re not….. Sorry for your luck I will be who I am not to please you, but to be me.   long ago I let the world tell me who I was.  A jock and could never show I was smart.  Yesterday a person who is a beautiful model who’s pictures are loved my thousands asked me if when I get her Print if I would send her a picture of me holding the Print…… I asked why Your beautiful and I’m Chubby.  She said You may be chubby but that does not make you Ugly.   Life has changed for me,  as I sit here its all a layer of dust over a burnt wasteland.  Perspective what is there is a clean slate that the winds of change will blow away the dust leaving open ground and places to plant and to let things grow.  I will plant a Grove of roses and trees in memories of people in the past like a park to visit and remember.  As for now there is a slight breeze that is starting to move the dust.  I need to let it. I need to move and not block the wind…… We are all born as many men and we die as a single one……

OK

Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

two roads meet…….. and i….

2 roads

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away.  Standing at the intersection of life with two options.  Yes, yes I know he had 4 miss the point much its a medifor please keep up.   I know I’m (inhales deep) cold, distant, angry, mean, harsh, self-absorbed and not easy to get to know.  Few I have let in and some I let in to push away and to cast out because I love them.  I have one friend who packs a lunch and bivouacs down with me.  He wont leave till I can be self sufficient.  It’s not always easy for him but he is there.  I’m alone and the voices are strong, of self-doubt, self loathing self hate.  Hey look I told you I’m self-absorbed.  I had true love and pushed it away.  So I start again and again and yes yet again.  Friends pick me up dust me off and send me out.  He looks down says ok get up.  I set up small goals.  I get out of bed to see if 2 people have sent a good morning.  Now I’m up can’t go back to bed.  Then its caffeine.  Ok mind is working.  Food most mornings.  Then 20 mins. of sun and a pipe,  mediation music plays to calm the mind.  Ok its noon day is fully underway.  time for study and weight training.  Then shower shave maybe dye my beard.   3 pm time to prep dinner.  6pm eat and then reflection.  All along messages from people to see how I’m.  Yes in some cases to see if I’m alive.  My day.   Weekends I’m alone every one has a date but me alone in the dark.  Cue the voices and the cave looms.  Some people here like my writing they say I have a talent.  I guess I do.  I always hated writing in school but here I am quill to paper, ok type to lap top.  I have stories I want to get out I have ideas that need to see the light of day.    eloquentparadise and kandicelisa like my work and kandicelisa has said she would help with ideas.   I guess I do have a talent I need direction.  I’m happy that my best friend is safe with her new love, away from the encroaching darkness I need to defeat if I’m to be me.  So here we are why did I pen this.  This piece of thoughts and medifors.  Because that’s why.  For now that is my answer in time I will see why this needed to come out for now.  It will set along with 55 other pieces of writing for you to read and leave comments.  I lost 75 lbs the love of my life all in a year.  She said it was time to set me free after I set her free from a hell.  I’m proud I could do that.  I thank her for making me SEE what I had become and what I need to do to heal.  There it is 500+ words of fragmented thoughts.  But they needed to be let out like a Pandora’s box.  All the evil is out but sitting with me is hope.  hope a small word but huge potential……….