yes… But

Yes-but

I have PTSD, Depression, and survivors guilt.. So yes I’m a mental horror show that few have ever dared to view up-close and personal.  It’s not that I want to relive the past I just can’t stop reliving the past.  If you have these issues you understand. If you don’t it sound oh so stupid.  I get it, I really do.  I tend to be harsh and unyielding.  I sometimes try to build some people up most times its works. Sometimes you run head long in to someone you love but they’re the ” yes . . . But….” person.   I have known many over my life, some see it after awhile some don’t.  They say the greatest most uplifting things then add that extra little bit to kick you back down.  Do they mean to.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be a charter trait, It is sometimes a learned response do to life and people.  Here is the rub at what point does your love for the person and the need not to get punched back down become unbalanced.  Just typing that sounds so wrong.  It’s like a Christopher Titus line. “hey can you call my phone so I can record it and play it back to show you how stupid you sound…”.    We love who we love, J.Geils Says it best ” you love her she loves some one else…”.  There are many things that I could but here for examples. that’s not fair of me.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  I say that a lot.  It fits this.  Their truth is that they don’t think its wrong to do it. Your truth is that its hurts.  If I love you, I love you. If I don’t, I don’t. If I hate you I wont piss on you if you’re on fire.  I still take calls from people who have tossed me from their life and now after a stroke they don’t remember all.  I wont talk to an Aunt because I have no use for her.  I’m Pagan and I have a love for some that will never change.  There are two out there that know this in spades.  I guess I write this so that maybe just maybe the universe will hear this.  Maybe just maybe it will in some way sway the cycle.  The vail it thin in the fall.  We see and feel things we don’t at any other time of the year. The dead can speak to us if you listen.  They leave notes and reminders. They can help the most at this time of year.  My best friend and I need to stop the knife dance.  The palming a blade as we hug each other.  We need to lift the other up with the love that is still there its has changed yes.  She will always be the love of my life. Will always hold my heart save in the chest that is of our memories. The saying its better to Love and lost then never to have loved at all.  Its crap. In many ways. In one way. I’m a much better person for loving her and touching true love than I could ever be with out that.  My Vampire Queen of the Ice castle,  the year and a day lasted 6 years 5 more than any one could hope. So I say thank you.   This is not the time for a Thank you. But…..

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