The path to hell is paved……..

  • Good charactor
  • Its funny why when someone breaks a promise, the first thing they say when you ask them for something is I promise.  I have people around me that I love but I often feel they  just do not read.  Ok they read but they miss the point of the blog.    I read my blog the fat kid to some one…. they half heard what I said. Their reply was sorry but never said any thing about the blog.   I have a friend ask how they can make me more at ease with somethings. They say they under stand and will, then promptly say why they did not do it, or they find reasons why they could not get it done or just forget one hour after they say they will.  They try to make it up after they are reminded about their promise.  They make some last-ditch effort.  You know they forgot and you feel like you mean very little to them.  They say I had a lot on my mind, I just forgot, it was a busy day.  I have a list that I have had used on me.  How do you believe someone when they have a track record of this.  Does the statement I promise  mean so little.  I have promised to try to learn to fly.  To change my ways with hygiene, and life habits.  I hear how proud they are, but where is their side of the bargain.  As I write this I fear that I will lose someone very dear to me.  They keep hurting me.  They say they love me.  If you love me why do you hurt me.  It may seem small to you.  It may seem stupid to you.  To someone with mental issues. PTSD, Depression, they look forward to that time, that chat, that picture.  The sad part is when they don’t fill their side of a promise you wonder if you die would they care, would you be missed?  If you stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing would they miss you?? In my heart I hope they would call but I don’t know and that is what is so sad.

I’m the fat kid

this side

I’m the fat kid. You know that fat kid in school.  You know the one he tries to make friends but he’s the fat kid.  He does not ask any one out because well  he’s the fat kid..  I use to tip the scales at 340 lbs. I now weigh 273 pounds so I’m still kinda the fat kid.  The fat kid is lonely.  Because he’s the fat kid.  He does ok in school but that’s because no one calls him to go out.  The fat kid gets forgotten.  There are always legitimate reasons that the favor is never returned.  Most of the time is “Oh I forgot”” I got busy, but next time I will remember”.  You smile and say its ok.  You say its ok because you’re the fat kid.  You get use to people forgetting you or treating you badly.  You will let it go because….. Yes you’re the fat kid.. You hear things like ” I treat you badly because you will always come back” Some times you get “It wont happen again”.  You some times get so good at knowing what will happen, you say before they even say any thing ” I know you’re sorry.”  it sucks being the fat kid. .

You wont ask any one out.  In your head they will leave because you’re the fat kid.  You push them away because you don’t want them to get made fun of for knowing the fat kid.  You smile even when you’re crushed.  It’s ok you will get over it.  You have years of practice getting over it.  It’s something small to them but to you it’s the world.  But they will never under stand their not the fat kid…….