Gothic Vampire / my Ice Queen

Raina 4

I may have an IQ of 180 ( tested by the state Of Mass). I can figure out TV shows and movies 1/3 of the way through them.  If I was really smart I would have set down with my former girlfriend on 4 separate occasions.  I would have talked to her about an issue that was bugging me.  When she was drowning in work and I was feeling forgotten I should have bought a rose and talked to her.  When my depression was bad and I was needing help I should have shown her long before what she needed to do to help me recover.  I miss the smile she use to give me. I miss the sparkle in her eyes when I called her ”   My Ice Queen”.  Her touch sent shivers down my arm still does.  I gave my self to her LATE but she has my soul ( little damaged and abused ) and she will protect my heart.  If Goddess Diana, Goddess Selena or Thor the God of thunder finds it in their grace to give me a 2nd opportunity I would be in their debt. With pride I would show the world that my Ice Queen has decided to grace my life with her grace once again. I will always strive to be worthy of that honor as for now… .. .. I will find a new path and hope the God’s / Goddess’s find it to there liking and will grace my life once more with the smile of my Gothic Vampire Raina aka Rebecca my Ice Queen

I’m a former Marine

marine_corps

I’m a former Marine, Not an EX Marine, the term once a marine always a Marine holds true.  The main job of a Marine is to fight for those that can’t fight for them selves.  I have done this on 3x after my time was done.  I’m  2/ 0 / 1. Two saved, none lost and one fought to a tie.  When do I fight for my self. there I’m 0 for 50.  2 people are always picking me up. I never say thank you, this is wrong of me. It’s who I am I will work on that.  My best friend changed places in my life going from girlfriend to best friend, most can’t deal with this. Most are not Marines!  As I sat on the couch a voice in my head whispers you will be ok.  Was is one of my God/Goddess telling me its time to live again. Me finally hearing the 2 most important people in my life. What ever it is I heard, from above or from this realm its time to check my sea bag grab my weapons and get ready for the next war the next person that needs me to help them.  I’m a Marine, I’m a Dragon and I’m going to be ok. Will my best friend retake the spot of the being my Girlfriend Fuck if I know I can hope but for now I await my packet and the next duty station.

WHY AM I SO STUPID

WHY

WHY AM I SO STUPID.  I hurt so I attack I say things to make people hurt because they hurt me.  My best friend was at one time my girlfriend.  Now she seems to be the person I hurt the most I blow up for no reason and we fight because well we argue.  NO ITS NOT COOL. Yes I do hate my self.  so please no indigent comments below I will just delete them. I know I’m an ass. I know I hurt, I know I’m alone, I know it took two to get here. Something makes me attack.  Today was the dumbest of all.  I said something that as I did the replay in my head I was wrong.  Now the words are out there. The toothpaste never to go back into the tube.  So I start again and try to honor this woman who has a strong heart and soul.  One day I hope and strive to be the Dragon she once loved and protected. Now I’m the Dragon that haunts nightmares and lives in shadows.  I long to be in the sunlight of that smile. So tomorrow is a new day and maybe a new start.  One day there wont be a new day a new start.  IF I still am this way I will always feel the pain of what could have been I have one real regret in my life, every day now I seem to prove to the world why she was smart to get rid of me what will it take for me to understand, when I stop hurting people around me. I will start to heal my self and stop hurting……

I have Depression

sad

I have Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Survivors Guilt.  Yes I would send any Psychologist into a giddy dance of joy.  I may forget to show you how much I love you.  I may forget to touch you in that special way.  We may not have play time for weeks.  We may fight for no reason. I’m the one that will try a couple of times but if you don’t try also I will stop because the pain gets worse.  I need you to know what I have. I need you to remember us, I sometimes can’t.  I need you to remember when I say I’m lonely, for this is my only cry for help.  When I finally let you in it’s because you have earned it.  You have shown that you can deal with it.  The issues come when you decided you don’t want to and its to hard and it is a daily fight.   I don’t like being alone but its my lot in life,  I want to be with some one that loves me.  If you can’t be that person why did you say you could be…..

The only thing I know is this:

About says it all

“The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.”
― Nikos Kazantzakis

I sometimes think I’m standing…… I have to check from time to time.  I have been hurt and cut so many time that its hard to say any more what the worst one was.   Here are some of the greatest hits:  I treat you bad because I know you will keep coming back.  You’re a complete and total disappointment to me….  I wont ever leave you behind. . .  I can’t love you any more I love some one else it just happened I’m sorry I did not mean to hurt you.  There are many, many more these are the one’s that have left marks and I’m still friends with all three of the people who have said theses  things.  Blues Oyster Cult has a great song

Blue Oyster Cult – Veteran Of The Psychic Wars

You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
I’ve been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I’m young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I’m not sure if there’s anything left of me

I get asked if I will find a new girl friend and I have to think for about 3 seconds my answer is always the same….. NO……   I will find my companionship by the hour.   I’m tired of the putting my self out there to be forgotten or looked over or dismissed because they accidently fell in love with someone else.  I know people will say well You ( being me ) did not do your part that’s why. . .  Ok maybe yes maybe no all I know is why do I have to be the one to step up or step aside when it looks like its going ok. .  When you do ask ” What’s eating at you???? ”  you get its nothing or don’t worry about it.  I know I can be tuff to live with but there are two in a relationship the issue is when one forgets that…..

Where life had no value

The Ice Queen and the Dragon

 

Where life had no value, death, sometimes, had its price……..”

for a few dollars more (movie)

Why do I start a blog with the view of death?  Because I do not care to live or die. Its not the heartache of losing the love of his life. Its the heartache that I played a part in its death.  I still have the love of my life as a friend.  This week was a hard week, for the Specter of Illness was in the air.  I have told her of my wishes for when the scares of my past take my mind.   She will take care of my needs when I no longer know what day it is.  This is a woman’s love for someone that does not deserve it.  I’m rude harsh and broke her heart.  She did the same but I never was 100% hers.  I let sins of my past cloud my heart.   So where life had no value, death, sometimes, had its price. The death of our relationship cost me my heart that I gladly give to a woman that will keep it safe, clean and protected.  Will I ever ask for it back? No. Will we ever use it together, I know not.  What I know – in the morning I will read good morning from her. Once in a wile I will see her in-world or on cam.  I go into life at age 48, sad, broken, and hurting.  I have no use for my heart when I was a fool with one before. So I ask my Ice Queen to watch it protect it and one day smile that I had nothing to give her but this heart with all the scars and the sins of my past.  I have little honor left for the things I have said and have done.  Maybe just maybe some of it will be returned if I live as she asked me to.  As a strong man that will try and maybe fail but always fight and never again become complacent again.

I can be a complete and total

I can be a complete and total bastard; its my birth right. And how I treat people, well some. I asked a friend if I was that bad; she said ” No… You’re a Dragon. You roar, break, hurt and then your OK. You also are kind and caring.” My former girlfriend and I had a chat today… I told her I’m leaving the same way I came, with nothing… Which is a lie… I have a best friend. She is selfish, childish, and self-centered.  She is also one of the warmest sexiest kindest loving and one of the strongest woman I know. So really what I leave with is a best friend, great memories, a chance to get better and who knows maybe just maybe……..

The more you tighten your grip

GOODBYE-LOVE-LETTER

“The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.”Princess Leia

We never know we are holding on to tight till we lose feeling.  We grip the past with a death grip and mold it in to memories that may or may not be 100% the same as what happened.  We feel we are losing someone we hold on tighter and they slip away.   Then some times we let go and did not even know it and when we grab back on only thing left is the whispers of time long past.  My former girlfriend and I are there now.  We are very close but not together why?????  We both let go and tried to grab again and there was As the song goes

Speak of the devil
Look who just walked into the room
The guilted and faded
Notion of someone I once knew
All the perfect moments are wrong
All the precious pieces are gone
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of usDid you hide yourself away?
I can’t see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the color of your soulDid you hide yourself away?
Are you living through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

So many silent sorrows
You never hear from again
And now that you’ve lost tomorrow
Is yesterday still a friend?

All the bridges we built were burned
Not a single lesson was learned
Everything that mattered is just
A city of dust
Covering both of us

Did you hide yourself away?
I can’t see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the color of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you living through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you like I do

Like I still do

Did you hide yourself away?
I can’t see you anymore
Did you eclipse another day?
I used to wake up to the color of your soul

Did you hide yourself away?
Are you living through the ghost?
Did you finally find a place
Above the shadows so the world will never know?
The world will never know you..

shinedown – through the ghost

The world does not have to know. I know I cant stay and I lost.  check please.

Akiro: Why do you cry?

Valkyrie

Akiro: Why do you cry?

       Subotai: He is Conan, Cimmerian. He will not cry, so I cry for him.

I for years could not cry.  I was a man, a former USMC, football player, and wrestler; you do not cry. You eat it you make it part of you it becomes part of your wall, your armor.  Many tried to bring down my wall.  Took me losing my mind for the wall to come down and in to this world came Raymond (from Rain Man). I have a friend she is wise and speaks little. when she does you need to listen for she seldom repeats her self.  I asked why do you put up with me she said “I don’t, I pick you up dust you off and make you breath. you do every thing else”.  My ex is strong beyond words.  She is in a world few would dare try to even attempt.  With the grace of a queen the power of a Valkyrie she stands with out waver.  She wades hip deep in to a cesspool of hate, loathing and anger.  Her armor shines brighter with every hit she takes from the poison this Dragon can spit at her.  But this time she also carries hope for a Dragon that refuses to do it for himself.  That’s a Queen; no that’s a woman’s love.   I’m Dragon, I fight for the those who cannot. My Ice Queen fights for a Dragon that have given up hope….

When the Last Hope Dies – repost

When the Last Hope Dies

You try to be strong
But the pain holds on
Deep within you know
You can’t resist it,the pain has to show
When the last hope dies
I’ll hold onto the memories
Through all the hardship and lies
Through trusted friends and enemies
Your destination unknown
Can’t help but walk the streets alone
Calamity strikes the inner soul
You’re trying to become one
But you were never a whole
If I had a wish
That can be granted tonight
Will be to end your cries
Before the last hope dies..